Meow.
November 23rd, 2001 by Kevin
Someone stop me, because I’m about to commit caticide.I’m partial to cats. I can respect an animal that shows disdain for the human race, walks around like a prissy little diva and sleeps for twenty hours a day. Even though I’m moderately allergic, I’ve almost always had at least one cat lying around. It’s a comfort to live with someone who is lazier and more vain than I am.
However, D.’s cat, henceforth to be known as “Fuckles”(D.’s idea of a nickname, not mine), is a cat of another color. She acts like a annoying yappy dog. From the moment I let her upstairs in the morning, she will not leave me alone. She constantly rubs against my legs(which at this point are probably as hairy as her own - I’ve been a lazy skank this week), yowls incessantly, and sheds all over my clothes. I just fell on my ass, Stooge-style, dropping an entire load of whites into her food and water bowls; because the fat little danderous beast walked right under my foot as I was getting laundry from the basement. Damn cat. She must weigh at least thirty pounds, because I overfeed her in hope that it will keep her content and out of my lap.
The obese beast has claws, too, because D. got her while he was still dating Chubby-Animal-Rights-Greenpeace-Vegetarian-Ho, and she refused to let him get the damn thing declawed. As a result, J. has taken a few choice shots in the face that would have required plastic surgery had they been executed with a little more force or a little better aim. D. doesn’t want to get her declawed now, beause he feels that it’s a traumatic experience for an older cat. Sure - my heart bleeds for the little furball. So I’m thinking of making a vet appointment under the guise of concern for Fuckles’s shots, and then bringing the matter up once we’re in the office, where I know D. won’t fight me. Don’t get me wrong - I believe animals should be treated well and loved and cherished and all of that happy-hippie crap, but I also believe that my son should have the luxury of having two eyes and no disfiguring facial scars.
If anyone has a nice, calm, standoffish, snobby cat(or better yet, one of those ugly Mexican Hairless cats); I’m ready and willing to trade.
My mom came over today. We agreed to make a whole bunch of little foo-foo party favors for her friend’s daughter’s baby shower. So I spent the afternoon tying ribbons and netting around little M&M-filled plastic baby blocks. They’re cute, I guess, but I feel like they’re kind of a waste of money. People just eat the candy and pitch them.
I had at least twenty calls to make for disability today, (because God forbid I don’t get thirty copies of all notes and test results for every doctor visit - that would mean I’m a lazy slob who is sponging off of the system), and nobody was working. The entire Thanksgiving weekend might as well be considered a national holiday, because nobody so much as answers a phone until the following Monday.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I am aging in reverse since I’ve quit smoking. I’m now an acne-ridden teenager. I have never had acne my entire life. My skin, although completely devoid of pigment, has always been my saving grace, and I guess I’ve been a little vain about it. There have been no pimples, no blackheads, no rashes or bumps of any kind, and I’ve breezed past the Oxy and the Clearasil with a sense of smug superiority. Apparently the days of wine and roses are over, because during the past week, my face has become every kid’s worst nightmare. I’ve talked to a few people about it(thankfully, they had the good grace not to snicker), and the general consensus is that all the yuck which is clearing out of my lungs is also filtering out through my skin. Eew. TarFace. I’ve spent about 30 dollars on toner, astringent, zit cream, and other assorted face goo; so I hope that it helps.
I am getting free web design software from my stepdad, the programmer/software pirate, so hopefully there will be new and exciting things to come for this page. I guess I made it into the top 10 on Clix(like how I threw that link in so unobstrusively?), and well, color me amazed! Thanks to all who Clixed me. I feel so durn special…
I am out of Diet Coke, and ready to start chewing the drapes. I can’t drink coffee in the afternoon.
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