The Great Freak Out.
November 28th, 2001 by Kevin
Sometimes I wish I could just keep my big mouth shut, and not tell D. or my mother anything.Yesterday, of course, was The Great Freak-Out, and I bawled like a snuffling idiot most of the day. No one would believe it after the past two weeks, but I’m really not a crier by nature. In fact, I have a serious case of severe emotional anal-retention. I’ve probably cried less than ten times over the past ten years, unless you count pregnancy(which I don’t, because everyone knows you are hormonally insane while pregnant). However, the lovely doctorial news just knocked the badass right out of me, and off to the depths of despair I went. I was blessedly alone during my time of woe, since J. was napping, but I made the hideous mistake of answering the phone. It was my mother. Go figure.
My mother is the single last person in the universe that I’d want to speak to while having a nervous breakdown, because she exacerbates the problem in a huge way. Sometimes I get a little twitch just from hearing her voice.
Mom: Jenny? What’s wrong?? (No one but my mother has called me Jenny in over twenty years.)Trance: Nothing. (sob) (sniff) (snort)
Mom: What happened? What’s wrong? What’s the matter? Is it J.? What’s wrong with J.? Is it D.? What happened to D.?
Trance: Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh…
Mom: (growing frantic) Jenny, tell me what is wrong RIGHT NOW!! (God, there’s nothing like being an obsessed-over only child. I can induces rampant paranoia with a single tear.)
Trance: (tells short version of neuro story from yesterday) But I’m OK. I’m just freaking out. (calms down, sensing Great Parental Freak-Out)
Mom: Well, it’s not that bad. (!) We’ll just send you to another doctor. (I’ve been to every neuro in the greater urban area)
Trance: Yeah, Mom, you’re right. (Sure it’s not that bad that I can’t see a foot and a half in front of my face. Just buy me a Labrador and a cane, and let’s call it a day…)
Mom: I’ll stop by after work.
Trance: That’s OK, Mom. (Oh God, please save me…)
Mom: No, really. I’ll stop after five.
Trance: No, really, Mom, I’m fine. (I’m going to shoot myself if I have to listen to you in person.)
Mom: See you after five. Bye. And don’t worry. You’ll make yourself sick.
Trance: (Oh, I think I’m sick enough…)Sure Mom.
Needless to say, she scurried directly over after work, and proceeded to spend an hour telling me that I should not worry, and I should not get upset, and I should think about J. and D., and that I should plaster a big cheesy grin on so as not to disrupt everyone’s emotional well-being.
Bullshit, I thought. I’ll be damned if I can’t allow myself at least one day of gratuitous whining and crying after horrible news.
D. called directly after she left, and promptly freaked out upon hearing the story.
Trance: Hi. (shares wonderful neuro news)D.: Oh God, I’ll be home right away. I’ll be right there.
Trance: No, really, you don’t have to-
D: (hangs up, jumps in car and drives at speed of sound)
He was wonderful, and it reminded me why I love him so much. However, the constant Somebody-Died hugs and the sad countenance did nothing for my mood. Here’s a little tip: If you’re trying to cheer someone up, act cheerful. Don’t look like someone just shot your mother, and don’t spout off crappy, generic platitudes like,
“It’ll be OK.”“I’m always here for you.”
“We’ll get through this.”
Stuff like that make me want to rip my eyebrows off.
I ended up staying up half the night just to clear my head in peace. I spent about six hours trying to figure out Microsoft Front Page and came to the conclusion that I am an illiterate dumbass who couldn’t design a Web page if her life depended on it. So while I will most certainly bang my head against the wall until I figure this wretched program out, don’t expect any changes soon…
Now I know that I should be grateful for the support. After all, I could have the kind of family that didn’t care at all. I know that I’m an evil wench for disparaging their kind efforts to alleviate my very obvious Freak-Out. Nevertheless, they were getting on my damn nerves. I prefer to have my freak out alone and in peace, without any Sub-Freak-Outs distracting me from getting my Freak-Out out of my system. And D. and my mother were definitely in Sub-Freak-Out mode. They still are. If I get one more frightened or hangdog glance, I am going to scream my damaged little head off. I am not made of glass. I will deal, but give me a moment to stop reeling in shock before you expect me to act normally. When you’re “strong”, everyone expects you to be “strong” 24 hours per day. You’re not allowed any moments of “weakness”; and that, if you’ll pardon my French, is a crock of shit.
Sigh. I’m really a jerk this week.
Today, I just feel kind of numb and disconnected. It’s infinitely better than feeling like some omnipotent being just kicked you in the back of the head, hard.
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