Pull-Ups, Hair dye, and Tree Insanity.
December 5th, 2001 by Kevin
Wow. A truly amazing and monumentous event has occurred.I slept from 2AM until 10AM. That would be 8 hours of sleep on a weekday.
I hardly know what to think.
J. was happy, though, because it gave him the opportunity to get out of his wet Pull-Up and get dressed before I woke up. Too bad he stuffed it in a drawer rather than throwing it in the garbage.
I can laugh now, but an hour ago, I was seriously ready to choke the child. At least he wrapped it carefully in his pajamas before hiding it in the drawer, or there would have been hell to pay. He’s really quite the sneaky one these days. Moral-paralyzing fear of the Potty Nazi has caused some bizarre behavior.
He picked out a really cool and trendy outfit, though - I was really impressed. Khakis and a sweater. My son, the Gap Kid.
He refuses to wear black. It’s the greatest sorrow of my adult life.
For some odd reason, my Claritin isn’t working worth a crap today. I’d like to unscrew the top of my head and pour the snot out. Or I’d like my head to have hinges on it like those Monty Python cartoons, so I could get in there with a rag and give it a good clean.
Speaking of clean, my house is spotless and lovely today, and God help anyone who dares to:
Walk on my floors.Touch my glass table.
Put stickers on my carpet (*WARNING* - Do not EVER give your child stickers - you will strongly regret it.)
Put their grubby little hands all over the bathroom or bedroom mirrors.
Even LOOK at my beautifully polished piano.
I will whup some untidy ass, should any of these things occurr withing the next two days. I live with a three-year-old and a man, so I can’t expect miracles, but I like to have at least two days of sparkliness after a Robo-Clean.
I’m going to bleach my hair today. Coloring my hair has really been a huge raving pain in my ass over the past few years. I’ve had every color hair that you can think of - everything from white to blue-black, and every odd variation in between. After I had J., I went platinum blonde in a lame attempt to feel like an attractive, Marliyn-esque bombshell while still hugely fat. It didn’t really work out that way, since Marilyn Monroe is sexy and sultry, and I’m really more of a dork.
I liked the platinum because it made my deathly white skin look a bit less deathly, and have stuck with it ever since. (Except for a brief foray into dark red, which I didn’t like and took damn near forever to bleach out. Orange hair for weeks.)
I always color it myself. There’s no way in hell I would pay 110 dollars for someone to screw up my hair when I can screw it up myself for under ten dollars. It’s hard to get a non-yellowish platinum without powder bleach(I love powder bleach), but powder bleach eats the hair right off your head, so I have turned in my Sally Beauty card, and am buying the plain ol’ drugstore hair dye. Unfortunately, I am an ignorant consumer who believes everything I read on hair dye packaging and hair dye ads, so I try a new brand every six weeks. This doesn’t work well.
Today, Herbal Essences bleach is on the menu. I’m hoping it works better than the crap Loreal stuff I tried last time. I have bought into the “It’s herbal, so it must be HEALTHY!” attitude hook, line, and sinker; so here’s hoping there’s some truth to it.
I have to put J. in the living room with a movie while I dye my hair, or I start to get an insane urge to streak his.
Nothing crazy, just a few little streaks.It would look so cute.
Especially for Christmas pictures.
Sigh.
I HATE having to be responsible.
I’ll bet Vidal Sassoon streaked his kids’ hair.
Assuming he had kids.
I have become an obsessive-compulsive tree redecorator.
For some reason, the ornaments and bows never look quite straight or “right” to me, so about ten times a day I take them all off and put them back on again. I have to do this while D. is at work, or he gives me that Dear-God-You-Need-Therapy look. I keep trying to tell myself that the tree is fine.
Sane Trance: Wow, what a lovely tree. That’s really a nice looking tree. You did a great job. Nothing wrong with that tree.Loony Trance: Move that silver bow a little to the left.
Sane Trance: No, no, it’s fine. The tree looks just fine.
Loony Trance: Move that red ornament, too. It looks weird there.
Sane Trance: Well, OK, I’ll just move a couple of things, just to make sure they’re straight.
Loony Trance: Move the star, too. The star is crooked.
Sane Trance: I don’t think-
Loony Trance: JUST DO IT, DAMMIT? DO YOU REALLY WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO COME OVER AND SEE THIS TACKY GHETTO TREE?? FIX IT NOW, YOU LOSER!! THEN TURN ON THAT DAMN LEARNING CHANNEL AND WATCH MARTHA STEWART UNTIL YOU LEARN HOW TO DO THINGS RIGHT!!
Sane Trance: (weeps silently in corner) Ok…
It’s tough being mental. It really is.
Buy tadalis. wrote on 07/14/08 at 11:37 am :
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