Christmas Carnage.
December 7th, 2001 by Kevin
I have nothing witty to say today, but when has that ever stopped me?I’m bored, bored, bored.
The former nightclub addict in me wants to go out tonight and dance until 6 AM, but the babysitter-less mommy in me is going to sit right here and have a Blockbuster night. Grr.
You know what I don’t get? Why do Christmas lights have yellow, blue, and orange bulbs? I’m a Christmas light purist, myself - I only use the white lights(how very racist of me). But for those who are less boring and predictable, why not just red and green? Or red, green and white? Aren’t those The Official Colors of Christmas? Or, if you’re Jewish, shouldn’t you just have the blue ones? (Who the hell made Chanukah blue, anyway? What significance does blue have?)
Maybe since I’m half Jewish I should have blue AND white.
My neighbor across the street prompted this tirade with his ugly, tacky, redneck decor. The man put up blue icicle lights inside his windows, white icicle lights on the outside of his house, red lights on this ugly little trellis thing he puts up for the holidays, and green lights strung across the giant candy canes that are stuck all over his yard. It looks absolutely obscene. His house is right on the corner, too, so everyone passing by probably thinks we’re the Dipshit Block.
I really want to sneak over there in the middle of the night and replace all of his bulbs with white lights, but D. won’t help me, and it would take forever to do it alone.
I’m thinking of going door to door and forming a Christmas Light Intervention group. We could run around in black catsuits, ripping down all non-matching holiday decorations, changing light bulbs, and taking care of that awkward Jesus/Santa issue.
Here’s a tip, if you’re among the Lawn Decorators of America:
You can either have Jesus or Santa. Not both. You are not allowed to have a Nativity scene next to Frosty, those ugly white wooden reindeer, or a big ugly candy cane yard-stake. I don’t think the mother of God would appreciate her little baby being in close vicinity to jolly little elves. Pick a theme, and stick with it.
If you’re going to decorate, do it right, dammit.
