Ebola Virus.
December 13th, 2001 by Kevin
I think I am the victim of germ warfare.Seriously. I got a funny-looking letter from the Publisher’s Clearinghouse yesterday. This thing was totally skanky. It looked like it had been dropped in the mud several times and chewed on by a large Rottweiler.
I opened it anyway, though, because it said I won. And because I’m an idiot.
Last night at about midnight, I began puking my lungs out.
I have this strange condition which I think of as Bodily Fluid Clairvoyancy. I always know five minutes before I’m going to automatically expel any type of gross bodily fluid. I’m not sure why, but it’s a very good thing.
I realized that I had this amazing superpower in high school. I had a friend who was constantly bleeding all over her clothes when her period started. Ever month, she showed up at my locker looking like she had to take a massive dump, hands covering her rear or her crotch, and begged me for my gym clothes(Yeah, like I had gym clothes. Gym was coffee-n’-cigarette hour.).
I finally got fed up one day and said, “How the hell can you not know you’re about to start your period?” She looked at me like I was nuts. I told her that every month, I just knew when my period was going to show up, and I was able to get to the john in time to take precautionary measures. She backed slowly away from my locker, making the sign of the cross.
So, I asked around. I asked damn near every girl I knew, and none of them knew what I was talking about. I came to the conclusion that I’m a psychic freak.
The same goes with throwing up. I always know in my gut that I’m about to toss my cookies, so I walk calmly to the bathroom and do my thing. I’m sure it’s saved my carpets many a time.
My son has unfortunately not inherited this gift. The child will calmly sit there watching TV, barf all over his shirt, and keep right on watching. I guess if you poop in your pants all the time, a little vomit doesn’t really bother you.
Anyway, I now have the Ebola virus, and it’s a good thing too, because my week simply hasn’t been crappy enough. I was up all damn night, running out of both ends. I won’t get into further detail with that. It’s socially acceptable to talk about vomit, but not diarhhea - at least in my book. Let’s just say that I literally went through three rolls of toilet paper last night.
You really wanted to know all this, didn’t you?
I feel like there’s a little gnome in my stomach(I’m imagining him as Dobby the house elf from Harry Potter) with a one of those little handheld mixers, going to work on my intestines. Yow. I am also sweating and shaking just like I do at the dance clubs, but there’s no music. That can’t be good.
So I think I’m going back to bed until about two o’clock. I truly hope my internal organs don’t all melt by then.
At least I won’t have to go Christmas shopping this weekend.
By the way, I have really, really good news - I am NOT going to Pennsylvania for the holidays! Woo Hoo!! I will get more into that later. D. and I had the Great Screaming Fight - the biggest, nastiest, ugliest fight we have ever had.
I just don’t have the energy to get into it right now, because I think I have to go call John on the porcelain phone.
Wear gloves when you open your mail. Trust me.
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large garden gnome…
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