I Love Computers. - repost
May 5th, 2006 by Kevin
Do you ever want to just drop-kick your monitor while screaming “FUCKING SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCKING SHIT!” and then do you ever want to pound your CPU with a hammer while continuing to kick the monitor and yelling, “GODDAMN FUCKING PIECE OF STUPID CRAP SHIT FUCK FUCK DAMN!!!”?
And then, do you ever want to take your stupid cheap crappy fucking overpriced cable modem that never fucking works for more than ten minutes in a row without your having to reboot your entire fucking system again, causing you to completely lose whatever the fuck you were working on in Word, and oh, Word is supposed to auto-save, but does it? NO! FUCK NO! BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A GOOD THING! AND GOD KNOWS THE FUCKING COMPUTER IS A MINION OF PURE UNADULTERATED FUCKING EVIL!! IT WANTS YOU TO TO LOSE YOUR SHIT! IT WANTS YOU TO LOSE YOUR MIND!!!!
FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WORD, FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WINDOWS X-FUCKING-P, FUCKING BILL GATES WITH HIS LANDFILL FULL OF CAPITALIST FUCKING PIG MONEY, AND FUCKING DELL WITH THEIR FUCKING POT-SMOKING DUDE GUY THAT GOT CANNED!!!
NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY YOUR FUCKING ACTOR SMOKED POT! TRYING TO OPERATE YOUR PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT COMPUTER MAKES ME WANT TO SMOKE POT, TOO!!!
IT MAKES ME WANT TO MAINLINE HEROIN WITH KEITH RICHARDS AND RICK JAMES UNTIL THE WORLD GOES DARK AND I NO LONGER HAVE TO THINK OR FEEL OR LOOK AT ERROR MESSAGES!
And then have you ever called your stupid fucking internet service provider in order to talk to some pimply-assed teenaged stroke that plays Quake for twenty hours a day and is SO L33T that you want to smash his head like Gallagher smashes watermelons?
And has the asshat kid had the fucking nerve to get SMART with you and ask you whether or not you tried rebooting your goddamn system?
HAVE I REBOOTED MY FUCKING SYSTEM??? AM I SOME GODDAMN FUCKING INBRED IDIOT??? NO, OF COURSE NOT, ASSHOLE, AND I THINK THE MOUSE IS A FUCKING FOOT PEDAL, TOO!!
ENLIGHTEN ME, O TOWERING BASTION OF TECHNOLOGICAL WISDOM!! REBOOT THIS, MOTHERFUCKER!!! REBOOT THIS BIG SIZE EIGHT DOC MARTEN IN YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS!!!
And then you’re like, “FUCK YOU, you stupid-assed geek loser! Fuck you and all your fucking geek-assed, no-life-having, never-been-laid, greasy-headed, bukkake-porn-loving, little techie friends!”
And then, after he hangs up and after you take a few Xanax, do you ever get really mad and jam a flathead screwdriver into your floppy drive while screaming, “HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, BITCH??? HOW YOU FUCKING LIKE ME NOW???”
And then when you get really, really pissed, do you start chain-smoking and throwing pens at the cat, yelling, “QUIT LOOKING AT ME, FUCKER, I’M TRYING TO FUCKING CONCENTRATE ON THIS STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, SO QUIT FUCKING LOOKING AT ME BEFORE I KICK YOU ACROSS THE FUCKING ROOM!!!”?
And then when the cat runs out of the room like, “Fuck, what’s your fucking problem?”, are you like, “FUCK YOU, you don’t even have OPPOSABLE THUMBS, you don’t understand my PAIN!!!”?
And after that, when your Xanax starts to kick in, do you pull out a USB cable and retreat to the corner of the room where you sit and silently chew on it, tears coursing down your face as you shake and mutter unintelligibly, cursing Dell and your ISP and the gaggle of geeks that work there and the fucking children in Indonesia that made your piece of shit modem and the sky and the sun and God Himself?
Or is it just me?
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