Sanitize The Wal-Marts.
May 17th, 2006 by Kevin
I have just returned from the Mart of Wal. If you subscribe to the belief that the ghetto mecca is undesirable during a regular day, please don’t attempt to go anywhere near it at night, assuming you would like to retain any small shreds of your sanity (I don’t have to worry, as mine is purely chemically fabricated at this point).
Anarchy. Anarchy, pure and simple. I was afraid for my life and was grasping the cart so tightly that my knuckles were dripping blood onto the dirty floor.
The sight of one of those big, yellow smiley faces gives me the shakes at this point. I hate Wal-Mart so fucking much that just catching a glimpse of one of those blue-vested geriatric greeters makes me want to lie down on the floor and sob.
However, when you’re broke, to Wal-Mart you must go.
It’s in the Constitution.
I am the family dumbshit crafty person, so I am painting shirts for various relatives that range in age from one month to twelve years (thank you, chemical sanity), so the moms, the J-Man and I were forced to forge our way through the childrens’ departments in search of red, long-sleeved shirts in eleven different sizes.
Hordes of screaming, filthy, Cheeto-faced children hung from clothing racks like wild orangutans, shrieking and throwing Shrek butcher knives at each other’s faces. Some of them were missing limbs, which Wal-Mart employees simply gathered up and placed in sale bins. It was fucking horrifying. I held my son tightly against me with a death grip, lest he be sucked into the fray.
Zombified adults ignored their offspring and pushed carts at speeds of approximately one inch per half hour, causing my blood pressure to rise approximately ten points per second.
I almost was beaten over the head with a huge tote bag by an unbelievably large woman with scraggly blond hair and five inches of black roots who really, really was hoping to snag that lone, size 24-month, red onesie.
I got that shit, too. I threw a Twinkie in the other direction and she went for the bait, slobbering on all fours like a bassett hound.
I hid out in the craft department for a while, which was relatively calm since most don’t get their collective groove on until Christmas. Most shoppers were congregated in the electronics and toy departments, and I hoped to avoid those areas entirely.
My mother, however, had other plans.
“We need to pick up some toys for Relative’s Kid X and Relative’s Kid Y.”
“Are you insane? You don’t shop for toys at the Wal-Mart at night. I’m not going near the toy department with my child. He’ll be mauled.”
“We have to.”
“I’m not. Let’s go on Monday morning right when they open.”
“NO. WE MUST GO NOW.”
I don’t argue with The Screaming Look Of Death, psycho Wal-Mart mob or no psycho Wal-Mart mob. My mother is infinitely more frightening.
The Wal-Mart toy aisles are exactly one inch wider than the carts. I would like to find the genius architect that dreamed up these stores and smack him upside the head with a My First Pooh for about three hours. Those aisles need to be at least one mile wide.
Every aisle was jammed with carts, and several of the more rotund customers (there are more motherfucking obese people at Wal-Mart than there are at any given Weight Watchers meeting in the world) were hopelessly stuck in between the displays and the cartloads, waving their arms and flailing helplessly.
Kids were leaping over carts, limboing underneath carts, shape-shifting and sliding through the bars in the carts. They were all screaming, yelling, begging, slobbering, dripping mucus, and wearing soiled diapers. I wanted to crawl behind a stack of Bratz dolls, curl into the fetal position, and weep.
I understand that large families gravitate to Wal-Mart because of the low prices, but damn. It seemed like every single adult was toting at least nine children. It was unreal.
Does Wal-Mart soda contain fertility drugs? Someone needs to look into this.
My mother had to look at every single damned toy in the department, proclaiming everything either too expensive or too weird. I was ready to stuff her into a Easy Bake Oven and cart her out the door.
I don’t know whether people are simply too rushed to practice proper hygiene because of their tragically overtaxing to-do lists or whether the demographic that frequents Wal-Mart is just less likely to bathe, but there were some stank-ass people floating around that place.
I’m not talking about average, overheated, I’ve-been-wearing-my-winter-coat-too-long funk, either. I’m talking about some no-deodorant-wearing, toe-jam sporting, greasy-headed, seriously funk-nasty people. It smelled like the entire NBA had set their old sneakers and sweatsocks on fire and tossed them randomly throughout the store.
Then I believe that someone fed Barry White a gallon of chili and set him loose upon the unsuspecting public.
At least wash your butts, people. I mean, my God. Does this even need to be said? Did your mothers teach you nothing at all? WASH YOUR ASSES.
My son, not being the kind of person to hold back his feelings, was walking through the store wrinkling his nose and proclaiming, “WOW, IT STINKS IN HERE!!!”
You really can’t chastise a child for telling the gospel truth.
I will say that the cashier we had was really great. She opened up a new line, waved us over, smiled, and was very quick as well. I wished that I could tip her fifty dollars. I cannot imagine being in the Palace of Stank all day without going completely batshit crazy.
Lord.
I am not a huge fan of OPC (Other People’s Children) in general, but visiting WalMart makes me want to randomly attack people with the birth control shot.
If you can’t change a kid’s diaper when it’s necessary - stop breeding.
If you can’t wipe snot off a kid’s face - stop breeding.
If your children are under five and actually scare grown folks - stop breeding.
If your children are shoving you into the cart and rolling you into the shotgun aisle - call the police and stop breeding.
God, it’s becoming a scary world. These are the little fuckers that are going to be running the country someday. These dirty, scroungy, little Wal-Mart marauding kids.
Makes you want to hide under the covers, doesn’t it?
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