It Hurtssss My Earssss.
June 15th, 2006 by Kevin
When it comes to certain noises, I am a big, fat wuss.
I can listen to industrial and punk rock music at ear-bleed-inducing volumes, I can stand in the middle of a horribly crowded nightclub and shout over the fray with no problem whatsoever, and I can even listen to a really tone-deaf karaoke singer belt out some Jodeci without flinching.
However, much like a canine (and that is the only similarity between myself and dogs, save our affinity for rare steak), I cannot bear high-pitched noises. They make me want to crawl under the bed and weep.
My mother’s voice is one of those noises. When she is angry, her voice takes on the timbre of of a dirt bike doing a wheelie.
One “Jennyyyyy!” and I have tuned completely out. I cannot listen. Jen has left the building.
Going to Chuck E. Cheese the other day gave me the worst sort of migraine imaginable. It felt as if a posse of Henry Rollins fans had formed a mosh pit in my skull and were rocking out to “Low Self Opinion”.
Chuck E. Cheese is a triple whammy, because not only are hordes of shrieking children present, animatronic monstrosities sing in high-pitched voices and video games beep and boop and clangclangclangclangclang at top volume.
After an hour or so of that shit, one becomes a very religious-minded individual. The faces of Chuck E. Cheese adults become transparent.
“Please God, kill me.”
“Jesus, take me home.”
“Allah, what have I done to deserve this?”
“LORD SATAN, MY LIEGE, KILL THEM ALL.”
Yesterday the kids across the street were playing outside. While I normally hate all children that are not my own, I do not mind these particular kids. They are among the few that I don’t wish to see tied with string, covered in barbecue sauce, and roasted on a spit.
However, the Sugar Fairy must have paid a visit last night, because these kids were on a fucking roll. I have never heard such screaming. It was so loud that for a few minutes I thought it was coming from my own head, and I feared I had become a schizophrenic.
That’s not a pleasant sensation.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEE!” “EEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
Perhaps I’m so sensitive to the shrieking because my own voice is very low in pitch. Think Barry White, or maybe Roz from Night Court. I sound as if I’ve smoked eight packs a day for my entire life, and I’ve sounded that way since I was five years old. Still, the shrieking is just awful.
“EEEEEEEEEE!” “EEEEEEEEEEE!”
It made me want to whip out my kid-beating shoe and get cracking.
Unfortunately these children were not satisfied with their volume level and wanted to add more children to their cacophonous little party. Five minutes later…
*knock knock knock*
(Wait, scratch that.)
*BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG*
(Much more realistic.)
“Can J. come over?”
Now I had a dilemma.
My son shrieks like a girl when tickled, poked, prodded, chased, threatened, teased, getting his ass whipped at laser tag, or looked at in an odd manner. He’s a good kid, a sweet kid, but he’s as loud as hell.
Everyone in our family is as loud as hell. It started with my grandfather and the rest of us had to get loud to keep up. Come to Christmas dinner and you won’t be able to hear properly for a week.
My son is one of the worst possible noise offenders, but I have managed to keep him under control by employing my secret weapon, the Screaming Look of Death (trademark Jen Trance).
My son is still afraid of me. I consider this to be a very good thing. When your kid is still afraid of you, you are still winning the disciplinary war.
However, I can barely control him when he’s out in the pool splashing around with the other heathens, or at someone else’s house. The Screaming Look of Death can only reach so far.
I don’t even want to know what my kid sounds like when he’s at your house. If you’re dumb enough not to tell me he’s driving you insane, I’m dumb enough to pretend that he’s a perfect, soft-voiced little cherub.
I stared him down and said, “I’d better not hear you screaming like a freak over there.”
“I won’t.”
“I mean it, J. Don’t be loud.”
“I won’t be loud!”
“OK. Go ahead.”
He tripped merrily across the street, and five minutes later:
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!” “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” “EEEEEEEE!”
Thankfully I am only responsible for half his genes and can blame all of the bad shit on his father, who is absent and therefore makes for a great target.
He was a loud-ass, too.
That new Adam Sandler movie that’s being advertised? Click? In which he can turn the volume down on people with a remote control?
I would sell my left tit, man.
Happy Thursday.
Kevin wrote on 06/15/06 at 10:00 am :
I think “kid-beating shoe” should be trademarked, packaged and marketed. Sell it at Wal-Mart and make a fortune.
The official TranceJen Kid-Beating Shoe ™! Available in sizes 6 (Misbehavin’), 9 (Two-Steps-Past-Timeout) and 12 (Demon Seed).
trancejen wrote on 06/15/06 at 10:05 am :
I am glad to see you, man. You are sorely missed.
And you’re so right. But nobody at Wal-Mart beats their kids when they need to. They only beat the kids when it’s totally unnecessary…
Jer wrote on 06/15/06 at 12:22 pm :
And with flip-flops at that.
warcrygirl wrote on 06/15/06 at 3:17 pm :
Is your Kid Beating Shoe aero-dynamic? Cuz I’ve become a shoe-throwin’ mama. My kids are loud, too, although I’m adept at tuning them out. As long as it’s not a scream of pain I’m okay.
themayor wrote on 06/15/06 at 3:39 pm :
i’m with you on the high-pitched thing. it’s right up there with dentist drills in terms of my favorite couch-gnawing sounds.
thankfully it will be awhile before i have to perfect my own stink-eyed look for the tot.
Cosmic wrote on 06/15/06 at 3:53 pm :
I alughed at the part about the look. Just tonight, my 32 year-old daughter and I were in the store. I was asking the clerk questions about a TV. Lori jumped in to answer and I just shot her “the look.” I almost laughed when she just dropped her voice and said, “I’ll go wait in the car.” Ya, I’ve still got it!
Wrin wrote on 06/15/06 at 5:14 pm :
I’m just squeeing because you mentioned Rollins.
Trance wrote on 06/15/06 at 5:31 pm :
I’m always up for a squee.
And Cosmic, my mom still has The Look, too. We can her Look the Look of Pain.
Trance wrote on 06/15/06 at 5:31 pm :
CALL. I can’t type.
Cruel-Irony wrote on 06/15/06 at 6:51 pm :
I love your new place! And, the photoblog is awesome.
Karyn wrote on 06/23/06 at 10:58 pm :
ROFLMAO!! Jen, you just crack me up… My doctor informed me that depression goes along with “chronic pain” (ya think?), so when I’m down and out… I know where I’m coming!! I too come from a “loud” family… my hubbie calls me “mouth of the south” or somethimes just “mouth”
I’m with you on the Chuck E. Cheese thing..
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