The Swearing Squirrel Returns.
June 20th, 2006 by Kevin
I wrote about our swearing squirrel a couple of years ago, I think, but the scourge of the neighborhood is back; and he is worse than ever.
We have, living in a huge tree in our front yard, a squirrel of a somewhat odd nature. He is old. I think he’s been around for at least seven or eight years, which to the best of my knowledge is a long damned time for a squirrel.
This may in fact be geriatric for a squirrel, which may partially explain his cantankerous nature.
One random thing I’ve always wondered: You see bird shit all the time - on cars, on sidewalks, etc. You never see squirrel shit. Where do squirrels shit? Do they cover it up like cats? Is it invisible? Do they only shit in trees? Do trees contain indoor plumbing and are we humans just unaware?
These are the mysteries of life that keep me awake at night, people. These are the things that get my rusty little wheels a-turning.
Yeah, I probably could use a few more hobbies.
The squirrel is strange in appearance. His tail looks as if it has been chewed upon; and although his body is grey, his tail is sort of a reddish color.
He also has the most foul mouth I have ever encountered in any animal.
Any person daring to walk upon our front walk is subjected to a barrage of obscenities screamed from one of the lower tree branches that hang over the sidewalk. This squirrel doesn’t hang back. He curses a blue streak, saying words that I simply refuse to repeat. I am, after all, a lady.
I am continually amazed by the range and creativity of his filth. Yesterday he suggested I do things to my mother that would have made Sam Kinison roll over in his grave.
It’s quite embarrassing when we have guests.
I also am concerned for the welfare of my child, because I really don’t think he needs to be exposed to that sort of filth.
The little beast is so loud and shrill that plugging one’s ears does absolutely nothing to curb the problem. I believe that this only eggs him on.
My cat, Elmo, is absolutely incensed by the swearing squirrel. She does not care to have her people maligned in such a manner, nor does she feel that she should be taunted so while she is In.
If she were Out, certainly she would make a quick meal of the little vermin. If she were Out, she would be wearing that squirrel’s fluffy red tail for a hat and playing badminton with its foul little head.
Unfortunately, she is not allowed Out, so she must remain content with bashing her head repeatedly against the glass while yowling in a manner that lets everyone outside the screen door know that if she were able to get out, she would most definitely be fucking that squirrel’s world up.
The squirrel, finding this all rather hilarious, perches saucily on the front porch window ledge and sticks his ass right in her face.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that this is costing my poor cat more than a few brain cells.
I am generally the type of person who tries to reason with angry individuals. I have tried feeding the damnable little beast peanuts and crusts of bread which he has taken and eaten.
As soon as I’ve felt I was making some progress in our person/animal rapport, he has quickly returned to his branch, cursing me all the while.
He finds our wheat bread sadly lacking and claims anyone who doesn’t eat seven-grain Pepperidge Farm is a troglodyte. Apparently our dry-roasted peanuts are plebian fare as well.
Obviously you cannot reason with the unreasonable. Therefore I have decided to fight fire with fire and now simply swear back at every given opportunity.
“Fuck you, squirrel!” I say, ignoring the stares of puzzled neighbors. “Fuck you and your little clawed hands! You look like a rat! An ugly rat! And I’ll bet you have rabies! So there! You’re a fugly little two-toned beast and your mother was a possum!! HA HA!!”
Then sometimes I shake my ass at it and flip it the bird.
This gives me great satisfaction, and thankfully no one has called the police yet.
Recently I was chatting with my neighbor across the street, and I saw the swearing squirrel come creeping along.
“I hate that fucking little bastard,” I remarked with venom. “He swears at me constantly.”
“I know!” said my neighbor, much to my great delight. “And you know, he’s chewed a hole right through my garbage cans!”
I was so happy that someone else understood my fury that I walked back to see the evidence. Everyone in our neighborhood has large square plastic garbage cans with attached lids. We trotted back to the alley and lo and behold, two squirrel-sized holes, one in each can.
“You know, I think I have holes in my cans as well. Let me check.”
I walked over to my own alley and found squirrel-shaped holes in my can. There were also squirrel-shaped holes in my next-door neighbor’s cans.
The swearing squirrel was a garbage-eating, foul-mouthed menace that had to be stopped.
“I don’t believe this little fucker. How the hell could he chew through all those cans??”
“I don’t know,” said my neighbor, “but I know it’s him, because when I go to take my garbage out he’ll be sitting on the can and he won’t move. Personally, he scares the shit out of me.”
I refuse to be cowed by some scavenging, swearing squirrel with an attitude. And possibly with his own power tools.
So the swearing squirrel fears no man? Well, he’d better fear this woman.
A couple of days ago I sat in my backyard, reading and watching the J-Man play in the pool. As I lounged on a deck chair, leaves began to fall nearby, and I heard a familiar screeching sound.
The squirrel was in the backyard, sitting on the garage roof, staring directly at me and screaming with all its might.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM??” I yelled.
It continued to curse and swear and rant like a madman.
“I’VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO YOU!! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!”
I was about to pick up a Frisbee and hurl it at the roof when my elderly next-door neighbor came out to the backyard. “That that damned squirrel with the red tail?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ve been trying to catch that thing for years.”
John traps squirrels for a friend. Why the friend wants the squirrels I prefer not to know.
“Have you really? It makes me insane.”
“I know. Nobody can figure him out – he’s a weird little cuss.”
“I just want to know why. Why is it so angry?”
“I don’t think we’ll ever know.”
The swearing squirrel stares like a madman. Just sitting there, staring and cursing and radiating hatred, making the citizens of the ‘hood uneasy beneath its evil, beady little glare. It sorts through our lives, rooting through our trash and scuttling around our homes, taunting our pets and fixing its hateful little gaze upon us whenever we leave our homes.
Damn you, swearing squirrel. Damn you.
Rumblelizard wrote on 06/20/06 at 2:59 pm :
Ha ha ha!! At last, someone else who recognizes the Squirrel-Quaeda plot! My dog Chip is tormented by the little Squirrelorrists in my back yard all the time. Mine are more like the Richard Reid-type dipshit squirrelorrists, though. They’re pretty dumb. I think you might be dealing with the grand master squirrel Osama binLaden!
trancejen wrote on 06/20/06 at 3:05 pm :
LMAO Squirrel-Quaeda!!! YES!!
Allyson wrote on 06/20/06 at 3:35 pm :
We used to have a squirrel named ‘Bob’ in our neighborhood. I used to throw whatever snacks i had around out onto the porch for him. Then, one morning, I didn’t wake up in time for his daily meal. He started throwing himself into my sliding glass window! No shit! I woke to the sound of Thud! Thud! Thud! and went to find him angrily trying to get in. I faithfully fed him after that. Didn’t want the little bugger getting in the apt to raid the cabinets! Beware!
steven wrote on 06/20/06 at 3:53 pm :
LMAO god if had pay to read your blog I would
you need to set up paypal jen lol
DMorgan wrote on 06/20/06 at 4:00 pm :
Paypal and ebay up some more stuff for my husband to bitch that a seven dollar piece of Trance goodness is somehow going to put your kid through college and by doing so slapped the porkchop from his mouth. Lol, great entry, get a photo of the enemy an tack posters “Have you seen this animal? He answers to #$%$%^@ and has been seen defending neighborhood refuse in bold stand off confrontations”
noxiousnan wrote on 06/20/06 at 4:09 pm :
Take heart. I was chilling on my grandma’s porch the other day, watching two squirrels sniffing around the flowers minding their own business. Suddenly, a daredevil blue jay started dive bombing them till they finally had to run away. The jay wanted no prisoners; he wanted blood. I’m told blue jays are quite territorial. You want revenge? Entice a blue jay to your property.
trancejen wrote on 06/20/06 at 5:13 pm :
We used to have this white cat, Snowball, that loved to go outside. My mom would tie her out in the yard, and she would just roll around in the grass, loving it. One day I was outside - I must have been about eight or nine - and a blue jay dive bombed her and just KEPT GOING. We were freaking the hell out. I thought it was going to kill the cat!! We could barely get her untied and in the house!!! Vicious little birdies.
no1sgirl wrote on 06/20/06 at 6:27 pm :
Oh, man!! That was hilarious!! I really needed a laugh, thanks! I wholeheartedly agree with the person who said that you should take a pic of the attack and post it. That would be awesome!
ken wrote on 06/20/06 at 7:10 pm :
See, only in Chicago can squirrels get away with such. If the rude critter tried that garbage in MS, he’d quickly find himself skinned, gutted, chopped, and thrown in a pot to become part of “squirrel and dumplings”.
trancejen wrote on 06/20/06 at 8:06 pm :
Sounds tasty.
golfwidow wrote on 06/21/06 at 5:25 am :
I wonder if the hostility of this squirrel has any correlation with that Squirrel-X who used to do all the bizarrely creative banners on Diaryland.
I’ve seen squirrel poo. I live in New England. It looks like rabbit poo but smaller and slightly more elongated.
lisa-marie wrote on 06/21/06 at 8:53 am :
Oh, God, that is hilarious! A pissed off squirrel! Ha!
Lilli wrote on 06/22/06 at 2:43 pm :
hahahahha that’s freakin hilarious, extremly well written! i love squirrels their one of my fave animals just cuz their dipshit crazy
the mayor wrote on 06/22/06 at 8:02 pm :
that is a riot. we had a squirrel that came to our house for 9 years straight. who knows how long they live? ours wasn’t a demon seed though. he was almost *too* friendly and used to climb all over us and give my mom a heart attack. she refused to believe that a squirrel that friendly couldn’t possibly be rabid! :p
Loob wrote on 06/23/06 at 12:52 pm :
The squirrels in Boston Common were a shock to me after having fallen in love with the bouncy fluffy ones in DC.
They were twice as big, with shiny satanic red eyes, and would lean out towards you from the tree, with one claw-filled paw extended, going “GRAH!! I CUT you!!”
Conclusion: Boston has rabies.
Trancejen » Blog Archive » My Yard, My Kingdom. wrote on 07/16/07 at 9:51 am :
[…] I discovered that the Swearing Squirrel, neighborhood ruffian, ripped apart all of the carefully wrapped and packaged refuse I put out in […]
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