In Which Jen Gets Completely Fucked Up.
June 21st, 2006 by Kevin
First of all, I’d like to remind you to update your bookmarks and links, that is if you have me linked, for I am now here and not there.
If you don’t have me linked, then you can either link me, bookmark me, or be a big poo-head and not do either.
And you know, fine, be that way, but I am totally not letting you play with my marbles anymore.
I’m so completely far beyond the limits of good taste this evening, people. Really I am. My little brain is pickled. Just so’s you know.I had the epidural spinal steroid thing the other day (NEEDLE IN SPINE OH GOD OW GROSS), and it so far has not helped worth a crap, so today at the neurologist I told him that I wanted a new drug, you know, like Huey Lewis - one that won’t make me nervous, wonderin’ what to do - one that makes me feel like I feel when I’m with you.”I can’t deal with this back pain any more,” I said. “I’m going nuts.” (We will ignore the fact that I was already most of the way there to begin with.)
“But Jenny-fahr,” he said, “You have theeee Vicodin. They are not working for you?”
Unfortunately, no, theeee Vicodin are not working for me. As I have said before, I have the drug tolerance of Keith Richards. We have the same blood type, and it is S for Sedative. I have been on so many neurological drugs that when I pee it glows green and makes a faint buzzing sound.
I can eat about six Vicodin at once and still feel completely normal (subjectively speaking, of course). They don’t phase me in the slightest. This is because I have a liver built of solid lead.
“What else could I take?” I asked. I wondered whether he could inject morphine directly into my aching back. Morphine would be sweet.
More and more I realize that I sound like a drug addict. Really, when my back doesn’t hurt, I don’t touch the stuff. Except for the smack. I do love the smack, and I feel that since it comes from the opium poppy it is organic and therefore quite healthy.
“I’m going to give you Oxycontin, Jenny-fahr.”
I thought, ‘Isn’t that the shit Rush Limbaugh got all addicted to? Must be good!’
“You can only take two a day or you will overdose.”
Wow. “OK,” I said. I went to the pharmacy, filled my prescription, listened to about a thousand warnings from the pharmacist, and went home to get shit-faced and pain-free.
I had already taken a couple of Vicodin so that I could make it in and out of the neurologist’s office, so I wondered whether I should take one. However, my motto in life is “What the hell!”
Down the hatch.
About a half hour later I noticed that my back wasn’t nearly as stiff and that the sharp, stabbing pain had lessened a bit. I sat up a little on the couch and the J-Man looked at me.
“You look weird, Mommy.”
“Mommy is totally fried.”
“Huh.”
“Yeah, let’s watch a movie and eat some pizza.”
We watched Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and laughed our asses off. Strangely I don’t remember the movie possessing such an enormous level of hilarity, but the J-Man seemed to enjoy it just as much.
My mother came home at some point, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to see her. “Mom!!” I said. “HI!”
“Oh God, what did they give you?”
“It WORKS! HA HA!!”
I am feeling the love. I even mixed up some henna and started to color my hair, only I think I did something wrong because the stuff is too thin and is dripping all over the place.
I offered to put a few streaks in the J-Man’s hair, but he wasn’t going for it.
It washes out in six weeks. Sheesh.
Anyway, Oxycontin. Totally working for the back. This stuff and a fine-looking masseuse, and I would be in heaven.
Happy Wednesday.
This entry served no purpose whatsoever.
Michelle wrote on 06/21/06 at 10:12 pm :
Purposeless entries are the best ever! And I am sooooooooo glad for you.
Rumblelizard wrote on 06/21/06 at 10:17 pm :
Jesus christ. Be careful with that shit, babe. It’s extreeeemely addictive, no fucking around now. It makes v1codin look like children’s aspirin. Yay for no pain, but. Just be careful, OK? Please?
Also, laughed my damned ass off about you spelling “spell” wrong. It never fails! Of course, you can always say it was an ironic statement if anyone calls you on it.
Love you, sugah!
Kungfukitten wrote on 06/21/06 at 10:17 pm :
It’s a good drug, and by good, I mean it’s time-released and lasts a long period of time so you won’t be constantly popping pills. Yea! Let’s hear it for functionality!!! (Oh yeah, and the euphoria thing is fun too.)
Rachel wrote on 06/21/06 at 10:19 pm :
Be careful with that stuff..my fiance got addicted to it after it was prescribed to him following a car accident. He went through hell getting off that stuff. Just thought I’d warn ya.
Rachel wrote on 06/21/06 at 11:54 pm :
that is some good shizzle. i’m with you. but i also have to join the chorus of cautionaries.. someone in my family was addicted for over a year and it was not cool coming off.
Dom wrote on 06/21/06 at 11:54 pm :
Why did my comment above show up with “Rachel” and her link? Weird. Anyway, that was mine.
Kat wrote on 06/22/06 at 7:47 am :
Hell yeah! Oxycontin is what my surgeon gave me for post elbow surgery. That stuff knocks me right the fook out. La-la land, here we come! Oh, and my comment box defaults appeared with Dom’s information. Goofy.
Trance wrote on 06/22/06 at 8:23 am :
The comments are possessed.
And worry not. As soon as my back stop hurting I am off this shit like boom. I feel way too stoned to function, I don’t like it.
Dave wrote on 06/22/06 at 9:56 am :
Glad to see that you and Rush agree on something!
Emily wrote on 06/22/06 at 11:32 am :
ust don’t do back flips or anything stupid that will fuck you up more. I was given perkoset once for the same reason, and I was so happy to be not in pain and able to walk that I tried showing off. Bad idea.
Rabbitwister wrote on 06/22/06 at 12:42 pm :
What do you call watching “24″ while on Oxycontin? The Jack Bauer Power Hour.
Amy wrote on 06/22/06 at 3:42 pm :
My husband was perscribed the Ox and he developed a tolerance for it pretty fast. So fast that the doctor took him off and the crash he had coming down was worse than the pain that drove him to it in the first place. Yeah, it helps with pain, but it can be the devil. Be careful.
A. wrote on 06/23/06 at 11:54 am :
Blech. Oxycontin makes me puke–seriously. I’ve taken them a couple times (someone gave them to me when I hurt my back), and they made me SOO sick. First comes the “Whoo!” feeling, followed by nausea and profuse vomiting. But it’s a helluva good painkiller (though, like everyone else has said, TERRIBLY addictive–they don’t call it “Hillbilly Heroin” for nothing) and I’m glad it’s helping your back. I’m not sure if it’s true or not, but a guy I know always told me that if you take Oxy, you should probably also take a couple of Tylenol too, because it can give you a hellacious headache, and you certainly don’t need any more of those. I’ve known quite a few people who got addicted to it, and the withdrawals are supposed to be HELL. Of course, those idiots were shooting it up their arms, so you probably don’t have to worry about that. (Withdrawals, I mean. I know you’re not shooting up.)
And…WHYam I still talking? I sound like I know WAY too much about a drug I’ve never even been prescribed. I blame it on my (ex) dope-head friends. Heh.
Karyn wrote on 06/23/06 at 9:52 pm :
I came across your blog somehow, and this cracked me up. I have herniated discs and bone spurs in my neck, as well as herniated discs in my back. The epidural injection didn’t help me either. I just changed doctors and when he read my MRI report of my neck, he says to me, “Damn girl, you need a spinal transplant, and we haven’t even gotten that far in medicine yet; Not only do you have herniated discs and bone spurs in your neck, but you have major damage in your thoracid vertebrae!” He put me on Hydrocodone 10/325 and Soma 350mg for the muscle spasms… I was put on Oxycontin back in 99, 40mgs, and it made me sick!! So I can’t take the stuff, but am so glad you are finding relief and even more glad that you have a doctor not afraid to prescribe something that’s a “narcotic”.. I live in GA and these doctors act like they’re afraid to prescribe it, especially when the patient has “proof” of the pain!
Good luck to you… I’ll keep coming back.. Your blog brought laughter into my night =)
Karyn wrote on 06/23/06 at 11:40 pm :
thoracid vertebrae= thoracic vertebrae… sorry on the spelling
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