Daredevil and Danger Boy.
June 24th, 2006 by Kevin
Carnival/theme park season is upon us, and I for one could not be more excited. As far as I’m concerned, bring it on. Bring on the Tilt-A-Whirl, bring on the Ferris wheels, bring on those ridiculous little cages that twirl upside down and round and round; and, most importantly, bring on the roller coasters.
Take me, steel tracks of pleasure, I am yours.
I love me some roller coasters. Always have. I will go on absolutely any roller coaster you can find, whether it goes straight up and straight down, whether it goes upside down in crazy spirals, whether my feet are hanging off the thing; or, as in the case of the Chicagoland Six Flags’s American Eagle, it is rickety, old, and built of rotting wood.
I care not. I love the thrill. Much like jet-skiing over Lake Michigan’s angry, freezing, four-foot waves, going on thrill rides is one of the things that gets my little heart a-pumping.
When my son was a wee small snip of a child, I could not wait for him to grow tall enough to share my passion for rides. Wonderful! I thought. Finally, someone with whom to share my love of adrenaline! Together we would brave the thundering tracks of steel, screaming and screeching, our hair whipping in the wind!
It never occurred to me that he would be a big, fat chicken.
The J-Man will not go near a roller-coaster. He will not even watch people ride roller coasters. In fact, the very mention of roller coasters causes a look of terror to appear on his little face that is reminiscent of a child who has been very badly burned in an apartment fire.
Even though he is seventy-five pounds and probably nearing five feet tall, he goes on the kiddy rides.
The kiddy rides, people. The rides that are the whiny little bitches of the amusement parks.
Perhaps I take a negative view of these rides because I was a freakishly gigantic child who was taller than Kareem Abdul-Jabar by the age of seven and was consequently never allowed to go on the kiddy rides. Maybe I’m bitter. I never got to go in the ball pit because people assumed I was fourteen rather than five.
Still, it breaks my heart to know that my kid would rather drive a miniature metallic motorcycle around in a tiny circle at approximately 1/4 of a mile per hour than enjoy a real ride, a good ride, a ride that places one in danger of losing one’s popcorn and saltwater taffy in the bad way.
Kiddy rides suck.
I have tried to explain this to my child.
“J. Don’t you want to go on the Super Awesome Death Monkey Spin Drop with Mommy?? Look how fun!! Look how fast it goes!!”
“No way am I going on that.”“Oh, come onnnnnn.”
“I don’t care if you whine, I’m not going.”
“J., come ONNNNNNNNN.”
“You can go by yourself.”
“I don’t WANNA go by myself, I want YOU to go.”
“No.”
“MAAAAAHM, make him go with me.”
“Jennifer.”
No fun. My kid is NO FUN.
Last year we went to a park that had huge waterslides (another thing I cannot resist), and I got the J-Man up forty-odd flights of steps to the mouth of the slides before he started to freak out.
“I can’t do it. It’s too high. Look how high we are!! Look how fast they go!! No way.”
“J. Kids smaller than you are doing this. It’s so totally fun. You will love it, I promise. You will LOVE IT.”
“Nope. I’m going back down.”
I decided I would not stand for this and that I had to take an aggressive approach.
Ignoring the horrified stares of the other parents, I picked him up under the armpits, plunked him on a slide, and sent his little butt whooshing down, screaming all the way.
I then jumped down the other slide and met him at the bottom, where he was wiping water out of his eyes and spluttering.
“That was the COOLEST THING EVER.”
“See, I knew it.”
“I’m going AGAIN!”
We stayed for four hours, and he was absolutely crushed when we had to leave.
I know the adrenaline junkie is in there, I just have to cultivate it. I will get him on some good rides yet.
Now if only I could stuff him into a roller coaster without it looking like child abuse.
Happy Weekend.
nicim wrote on 06/24/06 at 1:59 pm :
I SO know what you mean. http://nicim.diaryland.com/Whee.html
is my “roller coaster” story!! XXOO N
Dana wrote on 06/24/06 at 5:51 pm :
I have the same problem. My daughter will not go on any rides, and when I tried just forcing her, I think she did actually enjoy it but was too stubborn to admit it so she still won’t go on anything. It sucks. I would love to ride rollercoasters with her, but she will have none of it.
warcrygirl wrote on 06/24/06 at 7:48 pm :
I like rollercoasters but I LOATHE the ferris wheel. I’m afraid of heights and I always seemed to get seated next to some fucknugget who liked to rock the car when we were stopped at the very top. And I ALWAYS stopped at the very top.
Evil I tell you…but then again this is coming from a person who still freaks the fuck out whenever Hubby watches ‘Alien’.
misty wrote on 06/24/06 at 11:07 pm :
You have to go to Vegas!! They have 3 spinning/shooting/flying things on the top of the Stratosphere. My 8 year old wouldnt go with me, nor would he actually go stand near the edge of the side either. I think you would love it!
Wendyloo wrote on 06/25/06 at 7:20 am :
good luck trying to cultivate it, I have a 10 year old that refuses to get on any rides because she got motion sickness on the swings(swirling ones at an amusement park, not the backyard kind)….no going to amusement parks with her anymore, I’m not wasting the money on that.
Jas wrote on 06/25/06 at 10:25 am :
I was the same way when I was a kid. My dad had to start me out on the tame roller coasters (the ones that were older, slower, not as high, and didn’t turn upside down), and once I was okay with those, he gradually introduced more thrilling fare. Now I love all coasters of all shapes and sizes. But I didn’t step onto any roller coaster until I was 10. And you know what made me get on? One of my friends shamed me into riding the smallest coaster there was. Maybe peer pressure is something you should try
LA wrote on 06/25/06 at 3:20 pm :
WAHHHH! I miss roller coasters. I can’t even look at them, no balance left whatsoever. Going on any kind of ride will fuck me up for days. Wolf loves them though. Trade kids? At least while we’re at 6 Flags? ~LA
lisa-marie wrote on 06/25/06 at 3:20 pm :
Oh, God, I LOVE roller coaster and thrill rides! The faster, the higher, the better!
Karyn wrote on 06/26/06 at 1:37 am :
I am a roller coaster freak!! My boys love ‘em too. My daughter won’t ride anything that goes upside down… We used to go to Six Flags over GA all the time, but I can’t ride them anymore because of my neck and back, which sucks… but I’ll still get the kids season passes, being we live so close (2 exits on freeway…5 mins tops)
Hopefully he’ll grow out of it, and join you on some one day=)
Melissa wrote on 06/26/06 at 7:58 pm :
I didn’t go on a roller coaster until i was 16. Doh.
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