Not The Happiest Camper.
June 25th, 2006 by Kevin
There’s this cute little acronym going around MySpace this evening (KIMBA - KIss My Big Ass), and Lord, it doesn’t get any more timely, because I could use either a Xanax or a great big hammer and I don’t have access to either.
So here’s my list - and this week it’s not a short list - of all the folks that can kiss my big, white, chunky butt.
1.) I didn’t get to go to the Chicago Gay Pride parade today, which is something I look forward to all fucking year, because I’ve been jacked up as fuck all week. So a big kiss my ass and a fuck you, too, to both my neurologist and my pain management doctor for shooting me up with steroids for nothing. Because I really wanted a big, fat needle jammed in my spine for no good reason. Asshats.
2.) My mom can kiss my big fucking ass for screaming at me for sleeping so much this week. Bitch, if you had to take half the drugs I’m on your ass would be in a coma for six years. Shut your little skinny ass up and go get me the heating pad. I feel guilty enough without your crappy little comments.
3.) That goddamn cannibal fish in my fishtank can kiss my ass, too. Why the hell is he eating all of my fish? I feed him! They’re all supposed to be community fish! Everytime he goes and eats one I have to give a damn eulogy or my child has a damned heart attack about it. You’d think we drowned a relative in that fucking fishtank. Damn.
4.) Fuck these goddamned nosy neighbors who have got to stare like drooling fuckbag retards like they’ve never seen me walking with a cane before. Bitches, I have to walk with a cane every couple of months - don’t act like you’ve never seen me. Pop your big googly eyes back into your empty fucking heads and move along, because there is nothing to see here. One of these days I am going to go all kinds of Chuck Fucking Norris, twirl this fucking cane around a few times, and take some of these bitches out. Then we’ll see who needs ambulatory aids. Those fuckers can kiss my crippled ass.
5.) The people in the doctor’s office can kiss my ass, too. I’m going to the neurologist, asshole, where - guess what? There are lots of fucked-up-ass crippled people!! DINGDINGDING!!! If your little perfect butt is sitting there, you may be crippled one day, too, and I doubt you’re going to want some stupid-looking motherfucker staring at you like you just popped out of Katie Holmes’s uterus. Back the fuck up and go read a damned magazine.
6.) Once again, fuck these loud-ass Mexicans across the street. Fuck their goddamn mariachi shit. TURN YOUR SHIT DOWN. DAMN. I’m going to start cranking up the most annoying white-ass music I can think of, like some Barry Manilow or some Neil Diamond, and they can kiss my ass. They can also take those bleached-out little wannabe Shakira bitches with them. Bitch, you are not Shakira. Your hips are lying, because they are hanging over the sides of your Baby Phat jeans. Get a clue, ghetto mama.
7.) These fucking cats wanting to jump under my cane can kiss my ass. I’m don’t care if I skewer one of them any more. If I do, I’m going to roast that motherfucker over an open flame and then sell it to the Mexicans across the street for taco meat. Fucking cats.
8.) Fuck being sick. Being sick, as a concept, can kiss my ass. It can suck on my ass for a good hour and a half. I have not been able to walk for a good week now and I am so goddamned sick of it I could just scream. If I go to one more worthless doctor that gives me one more worthless narcotic designed to shut me up, I’m going to go postal and take out the whole waiting room. Fuck these pills, and fuck being a wobbly damned cripple.
Pretty much the entire universe can kiss my fucking ass today. Tune in tomorrow when I will hopefully be a kinder, gentler TranceJen.
Kungfukitten wrote on 06/25/06 at 7:37 pm :
I’m usually 30 years younger than everyone in the rheumatology waiting room. They all stare at me like I’m in the wrong department. It’s not like I’m horning in on their appointments or anything. I made my stupid ass appointment months ago like they did. They can KIMBA me too.
warcrygirl wrote on 06/25/06 at 8:05 pm :
Anything that isn’t chocolate can kiss my ass for ovbious reasons. Also: Mother Nature, the serpent in the Garden and ovulation can kiss my ass.
Cosmic wrote on 06/25/06 at 8:11 pm :
These freaking thunderstorms every freakin day of this vacation can kiss my ass, and going back to work tomorrow when it’s suppose to be a perfect da can kiss my big old, white, gramma ass!
artgnome wrote on 06/25/06 at 8:15 pm :
Dang, I hope Karma smiles and gives you a better week this week. It totally sucks that you are so ill. That many drugs and I would be seeking out a second and even third opinion. I think our doctors are killing us with prescriptions.
Rumblelizard wrote on 06/25/06 at 9:21 pm :
Re: drowning out the neighbors’ Mariachi music. I’ve found that putting the speakers in the window and cranking Fear’s “Let’s Have A War” at volume setting 10 a few times in a row generally does the trick.
Hope you feel better soon.
Karyn wrote on 06/26/06 at 1:26 am :
Awww..{{{soft~gentle~hugz}}} Jen:
I totally know what you’re going through, and I hope you get some relief soon. I go through the same thing. I have to ride what I call the skooter-mobile at grocery stores, wally world, etc.. and I get stares.
One day I cussed this woman out, telling her, “Hey bitch, walk a day in MY SHOES and then JUDGE ME ya freakin weave wearing ho, I’ll come over there and snatch that weave up outta your hair!!” My friend who was visiting from a small town in Indiana, was ducking, thinking she was gonna get shot (I live outside of Atlanta)…LOL!!
Meshugga wrote on 06/26/06 at 8:24 am :
The jerkoff who made nothing but decaf in all the coffee pots in the breakroom this morning can Kiss My Big Ass. Oh, and the fucking fly-by-night legal firm whom I’ve been religiously paying $100 a month for the past 2 years who just last week put a levy on my bank account and left me flat-broke until payday…they can Kiss My Big White Motherfucking Ass as well.
Whew. That felt so great. Like a rush of endorphins or something.
Andria wrote on 06/26/06 at 11:42 am :
I, too, have Mexican neighbors who CONSTANTLY play loud ass mariachi music and/or ghetto rap music while they stand outside and do nothing all day. I have found that they really hate Abba, The Monkees, and Tom Jones. It drives them CRAZY, and I love it.
Kevin wrote on 06/26/06 at 2:17 pm :
Exercise your hate gland. It’s good for you.
Kungfukitten wrote on 06/26/06 at 6:37 pm :
You guys are making me laugh so hard! I love it.
Casandra wrote on 06/27/06 at 8:37 am :
Kungfukitten, do you ever get into prescription pissing matches with the old women in the rheumatologists office? They see me and immediately start going over the 2 medications they take to keep there osteoarthritis in check…and I take 7.
So here’s my KIMBA: Whoever decided that it would be a great idea to give Casandra rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and osteoporosis then thought it would be even funnier if her son was born with autism and her daughter with asthma all while her ex-husband decided he wanted a basketball player for a son and not an autistic child so that now she is alone raising two children by herself while trying to go to college to create a better life for the kids she loves can KISS MY BIG ASS!
Oh and the religious nut who told me, “God never gives you more than you can handle” DITTO!
Eggbert wrote on 06/27/06 at 2:12 pm :
Here’s my KIMBA. It’s for me and all the other guys and gals stationed here in Balad, Iraq. Every sick, psycho, twisted, religious hysteria, freak, insurgent sumbitch who decides that it’ll be cool to toss a few mortar rounds at the Americans can kiss my ass. I am sure the other folks that live through this daily can not only understand but whole-heartedly agree.
Thanks. Hope you feel better soon.
Pischina wrote on 06/28/06 at 3:19 pm :
I love this entry. I don’t have the same problems you do but there are days when I want to write entries that sound just like that.
That said, I do hope you feel much better very very soon. ((HUGS))
trancejen wrote on 06/30/06 at 1:12 pm :
To Eggbert in Iraq: Stay safe, man.
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