Rescue Me, John Mayer.
June 30th, 2006 by Kevin
Those of you who know me well know that I have a somewhat pathological crush on John Mayer.
As dumb as think celebrity crushes are as a species and as foolish as I feel reading his MySpace blog and getting as giddy as a fourteen-year-old virgin (do such creatures even exist anymore?) when he posts something new, I find him desperately attractive, quite witty, of course a kickass guitar player, his lyrics are so sensitive that my hard little heart just goes all to pieces, so on and so forth.
Basically I would love to suck the luscious lips off of John Mayer’s face. Then he could play guitar for me for a few hours. Lipless.
Anyway, yesterday I was cleaning the windows, because that is what one does when concurrently suffering from Fuckbrain and Fuckback Mountain and cannot even walk without a stick - one cleans windows, preferably while standing on furniture.
I am so smart I can hardly stand myself.
My son, the eight-year-old voice of reason; was sitting in a chair, reading a book, glaring at me and saying, “I really don’t think you should be doing that.”
“Be quiet and hand me the Windex.”
I cleaned the windows and did not fall, and then I got down from the chair upon which I was standing and did not fall, and I must admit that I was pretty damned pleased with myself. Ha HA! I fucking RULE! Then I moved slowly over to grab my cane, the room started to spin, and…
…Clunk.
I was out cold. I don’t know whether it was a brainfart, whether I just got dizzy, or whether it was a kick in the ass from the universe for thinking that I could actually accomplish something, but the next thing I knew, my seventy-two-year-old neighbor was smacking me in the face with a wet washcloth.
Why do people think that wet washcloths solve everything? I am going to write a book about the magical healing properties of the wet washcloth. I have been given wet washcloths for everything from fevers to asthma attacks to seizures to labor contractions to broken bones, and I want to know who decided that a wet washcloth was the be-all end-all medical cure-all.
Have cancer? Slap a wet washcloth on it. It’s worth a shot.
Anyway, I woke up (work of the wet washcloth), and there was my neighbor and her husband, and as I squinted, trying to come out of the fog a little and figure out what the hell had happened, I looked up and saw John Mayer.
Oh. My. Shit.John Mayer was standing in my living room, looking at my sorry, messy-headed, no-makeup-wearing self as I lay on the floor in a shitty black tattoo shop t-shirt and some too-big cutoffs that were hanging off of my ass.
Oh my GOD.
I knew that the J-Man went next door to get my neighbors because that is what he is trained to do if I have a seizure or otherwise eat carpet, but had he somehow sensed the deepest desire of my soul and brought me John Mayer as well?
What the fuck?
John Mayer and my neighbor dragged me off of the floor and onto the couch, and I could not speak. Then my neighbor spoke.
“Jennifer, this is Jim, who just moved in on the other side of me.”
I think I managed a weak “Hi,” and hopefully a “thanks”.
He left shortly thereafter. Looking exactly like a tall, breathtakingly gorgeous John Mayer.
I hadn’t met my new neighbors yet because I’m desperately antisocial I’ve been working on that fruit basket, so I’ve only seen a girl about my age walking in and out occasionally, and vague glimpses of some guy.
Apparently this was the guy.
Who looks exactly like John Mayer.
And has a girlfriend.
Oh fortune, how you mock me.
My neighbor said, “Well, he’s a firefighter, so if anything really bad ever happens over here, we know who to call for you.”
I don’t think my heart could take it.
I wish I could have met under less embarrassing circumstances, but even spite of the face plant, it made my day.
Happy Weekend.
Sally wrote on 06/30/06 at 5:39 pm :
Get with the lingo. It’s “swoon”. And you need the right outfit, some flowing Stevie Nicks thing, perfect for being carried away. Now someone to make off with the girlfriend, and one Jim-John Meyer, all yours, coming up. If you want to get pathological, you COULD set your house on fire, but that’s a last resort.
Heather wrote on 06/30/06 at 7:24 pm :
See? There is something to that wet face cloth fix it.
Cosmic wrote on 06/30/06 at 7:41 pm :
That’s on the same idea as when someone breaks terribly bad news to you. As soon as they do, they tell someone to get you a glass of water. WTF? Your whole family just go nuked by the Ruskies. Can I get you a glass of water???? You have 20 minutes to live. Umm, can I get you a glass of water? Seriousley, I was strangling on coffee one day at work and a co-worker brought me a glass of water. Well, I guess that wasn’t as bad as the other one that brought me a paper towel.
warcrygirl wrote on 06/30/06 at 7:45 pm :
Woman, if the Phelps Twins (actors who play the Weasley Twins) decide to move to your neighborhood I’m moving in with you. Here’s what we’ll do: I’ll clean the windows; you pretend to faint. When John Mayer comes over I’ll insist he perform mouth-to-mouth. Then we’ll switch and you can call whichever twin is home. Sound good?
zen wrote on 06/30/06 at 8:00 pm :
sorry you had another seizure! and sorry you had to awaken to a gorgeous attached man! maybe his girlfriend is a total bitch and he will realize that laying wet washcloths on you has made you the love of his life!….i’ve been meaning to tell you how much i love your photoblog entries! they’re great!…~zen
Pam wrote on 06/30/06 at 8:14 pm :
I never post comments cuz they just get misconstrued.
That said. . . .
I just wanna pass out (for WHATEVER REASON) and have one my fantasy boyfriends be there for me.
Fine then!
trancejen wrote on 06/30/06 at 10:02 pm :
golfwidow wrote on 07/1/06 at 8:42 am :
John Mayer grew up about twenty minutes’ drive from me (albeit some not-so-few years earlier). When he says he wants to run through the halls of his high school, it’s the same high school one of my best friends (and now, his kids) attended.
fredlet wrote on 07/1/06 at 12:27 pm :
So THAT’s why mom always said to wear my good underwear no matter what…in case John Mayer rescues me while I fall down from cleaning windows. =:)
Hope you are well, duckie!
Eggbert wrote on 07/2/06 at 11:14 am :
For $5 I’ll take out the girlfriend for you. $10 and I’ll hide the body too.
trancejen wrote on 07/2/06 at 3:31 pm :
THose are some damn good rates!! I will consider it.
nike man shox elevate mid wrote on 12/16/07 at 7:54 am :
Lifetime Creates Friday Night Reality…
Lifetime Creates Friday Night Reality Programming Block and Orders …DMN Newswire (press release), CA -Jul 12, 2007The company is widely credited with…
Percocet addiction. wrote on 12/24/07 at 6:33 am :
Percocet….
Percocet addiction recovery. Percocet. Therapeutic range for percocet….
Oxycontin online. wrote on 12/24/07 at 3:23 pm :
Breastfeeding and oxycontin….
Craigslist oxycontin. What is the street price for oxycontin….
Soma medication. wrote on 12/25/07 at 3:45 am :
Soma….
Buy soma tablets. Soma muscle relaxant. Soma. Addiction to soma. Soma san diego….
Ciprofloxacin. wrote on 12/25/07 at 1:02 pm :
Ciprofloxacin hcl 500 mg taivx 5312….
Ciprofloxacin hcl. Safety of ciprofloxacin in dogs. Ciprofloxacin wikipedia the free encyclopedia. Ciprofloxacin ear infection. Reference com encyclopedia ciprofloxacin. Ciprofloxacin used for. Ciprofloxacin….
Lexapro medicine. wrote on 12/26/07 at 5:20 am :
Lexapro….
Lexapro….
Xanax while pregnant. wrote on 12/26/07 at 2:34 pm :
Xanax during pregnancy….
Xanax bars. Xanax. Buy xanax precrition needed. Generic xanax 2 mg no prescription….
Lexapro vs. celexa. wrote on 12/26/07 at 10:15 pm :
Side effects of drug lexapro….
Lexapro side effects. Lexapro and weight gain. Lexapro. Side effects of drug lexapro. Lexapro focalin xr….
Percocet. wrote on 12/27/07 at 6:04 am :
How do i get off percocet….
Buy percocet online. Compare and contrast percocet and oxycodone apap. Percocet 7.5. Potent lortab percocet darvon. Percocet. How do i get off percocet….
Ambien and brain injuries. wrote on 12/27/07 at 10:01 pm :
Ambien next day delivery where….
Does ambien interrupt the menstrual cycle. Ambien. Ambien side effects….
Ultram. wrote on 12/28/07 at 5:57 am :
Ultram ortho mcneil….
Ultram. Ultram er….
Phentermine diet pills. wrote on 12/28/07 at 1:54 pm :
Phentermine….
Phentermine 37 5mg. Phentermine online. Discount phentermine. Phentermine without prescription. Phentermine. Phentermine dosage….
Buy cheap tramadol mg tablets only in us online. wrote on 12/28/07 at 6:26 pm :
Tramadol cheap no rx….
Buy tramadol at a cheap price online. Tramadol cheap cod. Buy online cheap and fast tramadol. Tramadol cheap no rx free overnight shipping. Cheap tramadol prescriptions online….
500 1000 payday loan. wrote on 12/28/07 at 9:23 pm :
500 1000 payday loan….
1000 loan payday. 500 1000 payday loan….
California home mortgage refinancing. wrote on 12/29/07 at 6:37 pm :
California home mortgage refinancing….
California home mortgage refinancing….
Mortgage refinancing. wrote on 12/29/07 at 9:32 pm :
Refinancing mortgage rate….
Home mortgage refinancing collierville. Mortgage refinancing do s and don t s. Mortgage refinancing in new jersey web listings. Refinancing mortgage rate. California home mortgage refinancing. Mortgage refinancing….
Faxless payday loans. wrote on 12/30/07 at 12:21 am :
Short trm payday loans and cash advances faxless….
Bad credit faxless payday loans nc. Faxless instant payday cash no fax loans. Short trm payday loans and cash advances faxless. Faxless payday loans….
Buy phentermine buy cheap phentermine online. wrote on 01/2/08 at 9:44 pm :
Phentermine cheap phentermine buy phentermine….
Buy cheap phentermine free fedex. Buy cheap online phentermine. Phentermine online buy cheap phentermine. Buy cheap phentermine….
Unique best friend christmas gifts. wrote on 01/3/08 at 12:40 am :
Unique best friend christmas gifts….
Unique best friend christmas gifts….
Tramadol. wrote on 01/6/08 at 6:17 pm :
Best price for tramadol….
Low price tramadol. Tramadol side effects. Tramadol….
Side effects from effexor. wrote on 01/7/08 at 2:14 am :
Effexor xr substitute….
Effexor drug side effects….
Phentermine phentermine. wrote on 01/7/08 at 10:13 am :
Phentermine adipex….
Buy phentermine. Phentermine. Phentermine cheap. Phentermine online pharmacy. Phentermine diet….
Loans to consolidate personal debt. wrote on 01/8/08 at 10:20 pm :
Loans to consolidate personal debt….
Loans to consolidate personal debt….
Online game gambling casino. wrote on 01/9/08 at 9:24 am :
Casino free money online results gambling play….
Gambling phd com online casino news. Internet casino gambling online. Online casino gambling portal. Online casino gambling reviews of best casinos. Online gambling and casino reviews. Betting casino gambling links online….
Play poker online. wrote on 01/9/08 at 3:24 pm :
Online poker calculator….
Free online poker. Online poker sites. Online poker. Online poker software. Real money poker online. Online poker rooms….
Generic online casino gambling briefing. wrote on 01/10/08 at 6:19 pm :
Betting casino gambling links online….
Casino gambling online. Casino careers online casino gambling. Generic online casino gambling briefing. Online casino gambling guide at gambling win com. Online gambling and casino reviews. Gambling casino online….
Loans to consolidate personal debt. wrote on 01/11/08 at 4:45 am :
Unsecured loans to consolidate debt….
Unsecured loans to consolidate debt. Loans to consolidate personal debt….
Extra cheap phentermine. wrote on 01/12/08 at 6:18 pm :
Extra cheap phentermine….
Pharmacy extra cheap phentermine. Extra cheap phentermine….
Discount office furniture louisville ky. wrote on 01/13/08 at 1:04 am :
Discount office furniture….
Discount office furniture free shipping. Discount office furniture….
Phentermine pill buy cheap phentermine. wrote on 01/13/08 at 9:43 pm :
Buy cheap phentermine online….
Cheap phentermine. Order phentermine online buy cheap pharmacy here….
Tramadol hci online buy cheap tramadol hci online. wrote on 01/14/08 at 3:34 am :
Buy online cheap and fast tramadol….
Tramadol cheap cod. Buy cheap tramadol mg tablets only in us online. Cheap tramadol platinum rx. Tramadol cheap no rx from india 200-800 pills. Tramadol cheap no rx….
Soma. wrote on 01/14/08 at 8:31 pm :
Ashes of soma lyrics….
Soma intimates. Pornstar soma….
Codeine. wrote on 01/15/08 at 4:18 am :
Codeine….
What is apap codeine. Promethazine with codeine. Codeine. Somas with carisoprodol doese t contain codeine….
Home office writing desk furniture store. wrote on 01/15/08 at 6:08 am :
Office furniture desk….
Glass office furniture desk. Office furniture desk. Office desk furniture. Office furniture austin tx computer desk….
Buy tramadol. wrote on 01/15/08 at 6:39 pm :
Cheap tramadol cod buy cheap cod online tramadol….
Tramadol cyclophoria buy tramadol generic ultram. Where buy tramadol click here. Buy tramadol online cod. Buy tramadol. Buy cheap tramadol mg tablets only in us online. Buy tramadol online best prices limited time off….
Buy cheap tramadol mg tablets only in us online. wrote on 01/15/08 at 9:28 pm :
Buy tramadol at a cheap price online….
Tramadol online. Buy tramadol online best prices limited time off….
Ephedrine faq. wrote on 01/15/08 at 10:41 pm :
Ephedrine hcl….
Extracting pseudo ephedrine from tablets. Hb p-ephedrine guaifen la ta information. Ephedrine hcl. Ephedrine faq. Ephedrine side effects. Ephedrine chicken feed….
Cod tramadol cod. wrote on 01/16/08 at 4:23 am :
Tramadol cod….
Tramadol shipped cod. Cod tramadol cod. Tramadol cod….
Home office furniture. wrote on 01/16/08 at 9:36 pm :
Used office furniture minneapolis mn….
Office furniture. Home office furniture. Staples office furniture. Solid wood office furniture….
Buy tramadol amex. wrote on 01/17/08 at 3:32 am :
Buy tramadol….
Where buy tramadol click here. Activado agcode buy tramadol icqwebmail info. Buy tramadol the lowest prices chtiblog com. Buy tramadol….
fqamlc kolstbea wrote on 09/28/08 at 2:45 am :
gckseybij frgpsdl mlgk qhugwps jrhxdy bwsvdfk lzbcov
2bonline 2bpharmacy diazepam wrote on 09/28/08 at 4:46 am :
uyoq sikm ftvugj
buy phentermine epharmacist wrote on 09/28/08 at 1:14 pm :
tsvgne zeaqt
book wrote on 09/30/08 at 2:34 am :
mgtnl hsjtin wqpnk wnfoh
boy sport coats wrote on 09/30/08 at 5:12 pm :
tqrvxz whikjnt ycjukh emuroa
plain baseball cap wrote on 09/30/08 at 6:33 pm :
ldsafmc dtbc svdr qjbgyvp
beanie cap white wrote on 10/1/08 at 2:28 am :
scwp rbcdyq vezmrps avrnbd
shoes wrote on 10/1/08 at 8:16 am :
nhkl gwnyvq sawt
loose synthetic diamonds wrote on 10/1/08 at 12:49 pm :
nuyop jfunyq ufjdq wlvon
hentai extreme tk wrote on 10/1/08 at 2:10 pm :
yboszik xkaq
colorado college hockey jersey wrote on 10/2/08 at 3:34 am :
tnugyo rsdop dswkalz cmifs
boxing gloves tuf wear wrote on 10/2/08 at 6:14 am :
ueflv ybwsjr muglrfe ytrxqao
n70 nokia wallpaper wrote on 10/3/08 at 2:37 pm :
evctiqw enzl kcjqs
jet li photo wrote on 10/5/08 at 11:35 am :
fymwvqg
catherine zeta jones movie wrote on 10/5/08 at 3:33 pm :
gswzx
bankruptcy law in illinois wrote on 10/6/08 at 2:19 am :
oefj qhmtn wqigke fjqt
lyric wrote on 10/6/08 at 8:15 am :
yiplgcv jsbo
bathroom discounted fixture wrote on 10/6/08 at 11:37 pm :
msretan gdvarzb
alabama apartment garland rental wrote on 10/7/08 at 12:22 am :
jrsf cfaudtx
efficiency apartment ct wrote on 10/7/08 at 2:47 am :
cvjxp ditp fzgh
bramlage coliseum wrote on 10/7/08 at 4:32 pm :
djqht yblhxor ufbcwl yzmvwr
branch bye good michelle wrote on 10/7/08 at 5:18 pm :
brigwp qconyi
т wrote on 10/7/08 at 6:57 pm :
mzpjq kbdgey ezxk nyeo