Thanks, Seizure Woman!
July 13th, 2006 by Kevin
I must have this shirt.
I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my entire fucking life.
That shirt will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.
I have to remain jovial about the seizures most of the time, because if I didn’t, the remaining working biochemicals in my brain would probably cause me to be pretty pissed off.
I’m already pissed off a lot. I’m pissed off far more than most people are, I’d say. So why be pissed off about a funky little floor dance that most people can’t do? Why not revel in my uncontrollable booty-shaking?
Perhaps it’s the universe’s way of telling me that I am just too damn funky for consciousness.
Really, I can out-Caterpillar any breakdancer out there. Just catch me on the right day. I can also do a stunning impression of a mad dog, what with the drooling and the slobbering and everything. It’s great for parties.
And hey, some men are really into the drooling and slobbering, if you know what I mean.
The whole eyes-rolling-back-in-the-head trick is seriously creepy and is fantastic for scaring small children, which is, as you know, a favorite hobby of mine. One good roll and those little heathens run screaming from my house.
Plus, I’m burning calories! I’d imagine that a good grand mal seizure burns at least ninety calories. What’s that, half a donut? Not bad!! Also, sometimes I puke during these little romps, so there goes another couple hundred cals!
Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it, Kirstie Alley. Fuck your Weight Watchers.
One could argue that I am losing brain cells, but who really needs all those fucking brain cells, anyway? As human beings, we spend most of our lives watching television, desperately seeking sex, and fucking around on the internet. How much brain power does this really require? It’s not as if I’m conjugating Latin verbs and studying nuclear physics. I’m a veritable chunk of processed meat!
Brain cells! The astonishing amount of aspartame I consume every day is probably nuking the little suckers far more quickly than any seizure could.
When I awaken from a seizure, I generally have no idea what has happened, so they’re not really very traumatic. I get good drugs that have really sweet market value.
All in all, this isn’t bad. As long as I never land on anything sharp or alive (such as my kid) or crack my head on concrete, I think I’m coming out ahead.
And now one of my kind is being celebrated as a super hero.
I love it.
Happy Thursday Night.
Kelli wrote on 07/14/06 at 12:28 am :
I love it! I don’t have seizures, however, I do have tits so perhaps I’ll get the *squeeze* one. It’s pretty cool too!
trancejen wrote on 07/14/06 at 2:16 am :
i like that one, too.
Stephanie wrote on 07/14/06 at 8:21 am :
I’m wondering if you are allowed to drive… My daughter is an epileptic, and her doctor has said that she will have to stop driving if the seizures aren’t controlled well enough by medication…
menoblog wrote on 07/14/06 at 9:23 am :
You need to write a book, “101 things to like about seizures”.
You’d make a fortune. Better than those cat books.
More stupid ideas:
“Chicken soup spilled on the seizure’s soul”
“Seizure the moment”
“Seizures for Dummies”
“Left Behind with Seizures”
“Women Who Love the Men Who Have Seizures”
“Finding Your Inner Seizure”
Feeling silly today, but really, we’ve seen wierder books out there. Time to exploit the brain fuck for $.
Anonymous wrote on 07/14/06 at 10:59 am :
I have had seizures since I was 13. I always had the seizure aura, then lost consciousness. Recently, I had a seizure and was conscious through the whole thing.
*le sigh*
Fuck fuck fuckity fuckity fuck fuck.
We need a teeshirt that reads, “It isn’t demonic possession, you asshat, it’s the ‘Sacred Sickness’!!”
Laughing Muse wrote on 07/14/06 at 11:02 am :
I have had seizures since I was 13. I always had the seizure aura, then lost consciousness. Recently, I had a seizure and was conscious through the whole thing.
*le sigh*
Fuck fuck fuckity fuckity fuck fuck.
We need a teeshirt that reads, “I got the ‘Sacred Sickness’!! What about you?” Maybe have a stick-figure laying next to an opened present.
trancejen wrote on 07/14/06 at 2:02 pm :
Stephanie - no, I haven’t been able to drive in six years.
six years is a LONG FUCKING TIME.
Sigh.
mish wrote on 07/14/06 at 8:12 pm :
disclaimer: not quite sober
I love you and want you to post every day as much as possible!!! I was on vacation for a few days - maybe that why you got less visitors
I have had a car since i was 16 and now because of depression, i am actually thinking of selling my car and having my husband drive me around. But the though of VOLUNTARILY giving up my sense of freedom drives me nutsier. I am sorry you cant drive. I can, just need to build up the nerve to do it. Almost crying at the sadness of that.
Dont mean to say my problems are bigger, just different. The way you deal with yours is almost heroic. An ER doc told me MS was a possibility and i shut down for a long time. So far it was jsut a scare. I so wish I had your courage.
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