Cereal Killer. (exclusive.)
July 15th, 2006 by Kevin
First, I’d like to thank all of you for your many, many book recommendations. Holy shit, am I going to have a lot of reading to do. Awesome.
I am a cereal fanatic.I have long had a love affair with the fabulous boxes of crunchy breakfast goodness, and lately I have been spinning out of control.
I counted this morning, and we have twelve boxes of cereal in rotation here at Casa Trance.
I think that twelve boxes for three people may be a bit excessive.
When my son was small, I was one of those self-righteous hippie-ass parents who said, “Never will I allow my child to eat sugared cereal(or watch television, or play video games, or drink sugared Kool-Aid, or do anything considered “fun”). It’s bad for one’s teeth and void of nutritional value!!”
This lasted for a suprisingly long time. I bought plain Cheerios, cornflakes, Kashi. I learned to like cereal with the texture and taste of recycled fiberboard.
Last year, I don’t know what came over me, but I stood in the cereal aisle at the grocery store and said “NO MORE.”
I was trembling with anticipation. I could almost feel the sugar rushing into my bloodstream. The cereal aisle stretched out before me with infinite possibility and glowing, shiny, perfectly faced cardboard boxes.
My God, it was sheer perfection.
I looked at the J-Man and said, “What do you really want?”
He stared up at me with mouth agape and eyes wide, barely daring to believe me, and then he pointed to a box of Trix.
“Damn it, then, we are getting Trix.”
My son smiled the wide, disbelieving smile of a child who had never seen the light of day and who had finally been carried into the bright sunlight.
I then grabbed a box of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch and caressed it as softly as if it were the brow of a cherished lover.
Oh, darling. I have missed you so.
I am very particular about the way I eat cereal. Most of the time I do not add milk, because I believe that it detracts from the flavor and purity of the cereal. If I do add milk, I only add a little, and I pour the milk in first.
Some people find this strange, and to you I say: DUH?! Why pour the milk on top?? Pouring the milk on top makes the cereal soggy, and soggy cereal is not happy cereal - with two exceptions: Cinnamon Life, which is quite glorious soggy, and Raisin Bran, which is, in my opinion, best served a soggy mess.
I love it all: cereal that makes the milk Technicolor such as Fruity Pebbles, Trix, and Froot Loops; anything with marshmallows(which must, of course, be picked out and eaten prior to cereal consumption), and Cinnamon Toast Fucking Crunch, which I could eat until I am comatose, face covered in sugar, bloated, smiling, and thoroughly saturated with carbohydrates.
This is exactly why the Atkins diet and I are not compatible. I would no sooner give up my cereal than my internet connection.
Obviously I’m pretty fucking serious about my cereal.
You can take your bagels, your toast, your sausage, and your bacon; your horrible disgusting chicken embryos, your waffles, pancakes, and your Quaker instant breakfast bars; but leave me the cereal - the Special K Red Berry, the Cocoa Krispies, the Golden Grahams, and the Honey Nut Cheerios; the perfect pitted spheres that compose Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, and the strange, dried, miniature blueberries that hide in the Blueberry Morning - blueberries that look like rabbit turds but taste like a sweet, sweet summer’s day.
Ah. It is so divine.
And now I bid you good evening while I go in search of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch, unless my son finished off the box.
And woe to him if he has.
Happy Saturday Night.
SaturnCat wrote on 07/15/06 at 7:23 pm :
I’m with you on the cereal lovin’. Mm. Some of my best dinners were two bowls of Corn Pops. Or Frosted Mini Wheats. Or Lucky Charms. Okay, now I need to go to the store.
And I’m totally with you on the “horrible disgusting chicken embryos”. Blech!
Melanie wrote on 07/15/06 at 10:43 pm :
Lucky Charms. Ohhh, Lucky Charms. Although they lost me after “…and new blue diamonds!” All the new marshmallows confuse me - “What are these, multi-colored hot air balloons?”
And you’re a better (wo)man than I am, Gunga Jen, if you actually make it through the cereal after feasting on the blessed, blessed marshmallows.
Sunshyn wrote on 07/16/06 at 12:58 am :
Raisin Bran (must be Kelloggs, NEVER Post) and Grape Nuts MUST have milk. All other cereals must not. My little guy wants to know if I am a Princess. Absolutely, Darling. And I have spoken. He can have milk, of course, if he wants. But he’d rather have a bagel with cream cheese.
Cosmic wrote on 07/16/06 at 5:46 am :
I have always loved my cocoa krispies and my fruit loops, but I have found a new obsession and it is my cereal crack. I buy the pints of blueberries and put a handful into a little glad snack bag, and freeze them. When I am wanting my sweetness, I pour a bag over some rice chex, add a little milk, a lot of sugar and wait about 4 minutes. The berries are thawed, but shill frosty and the cereal isn’t too soggy. OMG, it is bluberry heaven!!
trancejen wrote on 07/16/06 at 9:51 am :
OOOH I LOVVVVVVE frozen blueberries!!!!
Frozen raspberries are really good, too.
non-fuckabl wrote on 07/16/06 at 12:32 pm :
I like Zini-Minis…God, I could drown in them. They are little squares with sugar and cinnamon on them. That cinnamon! So seductory! Oh, that doesn´t exist. I mean seductive. (No, not as seductive as your legs, boyfriend! Of course not!)
fiestada wrote on 07/16/06 at 12:50 pm :
As I am a devotee of (only slightly) delayed gratification, I eat all the cereal and THEN the marshmallows. Plus, by that time, they’re actually the correct marshmallow texture. This morning? Two bowls of Count Chocula. Mmmmm.
Bozoette Mary wrote on 07/16/06 at 1:07 pm :
Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries. With half-and-half. Oh, the joy of it — it’s not just cereal; it’s dessert!
Sally wrote on 07/16/06 at 1:33 pm :
My girl is addicted to Kix smothered in honey. My son likes Kix any way possible because his dad refers to them as Chunky Puffs (a la Ed, Edd, and Eddy). The “crack” in Cracklin Oat Bran? That stuff never makes it as far as a bowl in this household.
menoblog wrote on 07/16/06 at 2:55 pm :
Cocoa Puffs–Yum. Haven’t had any in year. Might be time to go shopping. And the best part; there’s chocolate milk in the bowl when you’re done.
biensoul wrote on 07/16/06 at 9:02 pm :
I’m definitely coming; I seriously need some Trancelove. Seriously.
Cosmic wrote on 07/17/06 at 5:18 am :
It’s so funny that you said rasberries! after I posted the above comment, I went shopping. The rasberries were purchased and as I sit here, I have about 12 little bags of mised blueberry and rasberry! Great minds think alike. Scarey, huh?
Gwensarah wrote on 07/17/06 at 5:06 pm :
we’re averaging 12 for 3 also. There are certain things I deem Necessary to survival, cereal is right after broadband connection but before Tivo. Black Cherry Shasta and smokes are pretty high up there as well.
My ex and I made cereal so much a part of our lives that in the first few weeks after the breakup we’d engage in most petty behaviour..we’d go to the Stater’s (which in effect is the only place we shop at on the mountain) and buy out all the cocoa pebbles so the other would find only an empty space where the beloved chocolatey goodness once resided. Since they only restock once a week it was quite sad to whichever one of us lost the Pebble Battle. We did it with the Black Cherry Shasta too.. obviously breakup+boredom= petty antics and an overstocked pantry.
Kelly wrote on 07/17/06 at 11:02 pm :
I just want to let you know that if you like Cocoa Krispies, you’ll LOVE Cocoa Pebbles. Pebbles take much longer to get soggy than Krispies do, and they have a better flavor. If you’ve never tried Pebbles, I reccommend you get a box; I can’t imagine any reason you would ever get Krispies again, after that.
Oh, and I pour my milk first, too, but only because I put the milk away right after I pour it, but I take my box and bowl to my seat before I pour the cereal.
ang wrote on 07/18/06 at 11:33 am :
My sister eats Corn Pops and peanut butter sandwiches. With syrup. We are also SERIOUS about our breakfast cereals. I’m a Total gal, the spouse eats Honey Bunches of Oats, and the kid will eat anything with sugar in it. I also HEART rice crispies with bananas in it.
renee wrote on 07/18/06 at 12:03 pm :
I have been “enjoying” box after box of health food cereal called “Optimum Slim” because it’s lowcal, doesn’t taste like total crap, and has eight frillion grams of fiber.
But now, you people have got me dreaming about Capn Crunch with Crunchberries.
Damn. There’s my one good habit shot to hell!
cianne wrote on 07/18/06 at 3:27 pm :
dry corn pops. dry corn pops are suitable for all meals, at all times of day.
especially before bed.
mish wrote on 07/19/06 at 12:02 pm :
just like seinfeld! the whole top shelf in his kitchen is cereal. On another note - no updates for a while. I really hope it is b/c you are having tons of fun and are too busy to write. If not, I hope you feel better ASAP!
XOXO
(((hogs))) or maybe (((hugs))) - which ever makes you happier
Kim wrote on 07/20/06 at 7:11 am :
Growing up, we got Wheaties (which I like, now), corn flakes and cheerios. Mom didn’t get the good stuff. I was so depressed–I would go to my fiends’ houses and, I swear, I could smell the Frankenberry and Honey Nut Cheerios still wafting through the air. Then my grandma got a job at Quaker and brought home boxes upon boxes of Cap’n Crunch (regular & pb) and the Crunchberries! I love the Crunchberries! I never tire of the Crunchberries! My cat eats Crunchberries (we’re slightly co-dependant).
Loob wrote on 07/20/06 at 7:57 am :
Have you tried those bars of compressed Fruit Loops? You can carry them in your purse and everything! heh!
Loob wrote on 07/20/06 at 7:58 am :
Or is that Froot Loops?
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