Shoo Fly, Don’t Bother Me.
August 1st, 2006 by Kevin
There has been an abundance of flies in our house.
Lest you think I come from dirty folk who leave trails of barbecue sauce on the carpet and pick their toes with their teeth, let me school you: my house is clean.
My mother is so clean and fanatical and anal that I have to wash the baseboards weekly. Saturday we are having a super-super-belated party for the J-Man and I will probably have to spit-shine the roof.
She is so freaky that she will not allow me to paint a border in the bathroom for fear that it will call people’s attention to the crack in the bathroom ceiling.
So while we are neurotic as fuck, dirty we ain’t.
Still, flies are afoot, and as handy as I am with the Swiffer when it comes to squishing spiders, I cannot kill a fly no matter what. They’re simply too quick for me. I am running quite slow due to seizure medication and my reflexes are not what they used to be.
I was never the most coordinated person to ever walk the face of God’s green earth. I sometimes trip over Nothing. I hate that goddamned Nothing, tripping me for no good reason. Bastard.
Anyway, my mother thinks she’s some sort of Animal Planet fly wrangler in a pith helmet when it comes to these flies. She gets herself a tightly rolled sports section and crouches, poised for attack, and she is firmly convinced that she has a System.
“You have to wait till they’re in the blinds. Then you can get them. Listen. Listen for the buzz.”
*whack*
“Oh. Well what you really have to do is turn all the lights out, and then they gravitate to the computer screen. See? There’s one right there, and I can get it. So easy.”
*whack*
“Oh. Well just wait, and it’ll come right back.”
*waits for twenty minutes*
“Oh.”
My mom understands the inner workings of the Mind of the Fly, but she may just be a tad too slow.
My cat, on the other hand, will leap like Mikhail Baryshnikov in order to get a fly, because flies to her are a gourmet experience. So juicy. So tasty. So very fine.
I can be sitting in my chair, reading, nose to the page, and suddenly a small black cat will come sailing three feet over my head in a graceful arc. I then hear a short buzzing sound and a slurp, and I then know that Elmo has ingested her tasty treat.
“GOOOOOD KITTY!!!!”
As far as I’m concerned, this is a good thing. No more flies, no extraneous cash spent on cat treats. We’re all winners.
My mother, however, feels quite differently.
“Oh my God, that cat ate the fly???”
“Yeah.”
“Oh God, I’m going to be sick.”
“Hey, you know, protein.”
“JENNIFER.”
“Cats are meant to hunt and stalk. You should be proud of her.”
“Oh, God.”
“At least she didn’t present it to you on your pillow like a dead mouse.”
“JENNIFER.” *quickly runs out of room*
“Awwwwww yes. Thassa goooood kitty. Thass my baaaaaby.”
If she ate spiders, I’d feed her that two-dollars-a-can cat food in a crystal dish like the crazy bitches in those ridiculous commercials.
If she ate spiders, I’d be a very happy and serene individual.
Happy Tuesday.
Sally wrote on 08/1/06 at 10:39 am :
The first time we pointed out a spider creeping across the floor to Shadow, he gazed at it adoringly for .004 seconds and then swallowed it in one gulp. Goooooood kitty. Except we had to close our kitty door because he left us a lovely fat fresh frog in the living room in front of the television. Doing his part to feed the family, I suppose.
Renate wrote on 08/1/06 at 10:54 am :
When my Mom was alive, she was able to catch flies out of the air. I never figured out how she did it. Of course, then she was too kind to kill them and would release them outside!
mish wrote on 08/1/06 at 11:26 am :
flies dont have peripherial vision so you can swat them from the side with a rag . I had way too much fun when I figured that out - worked as a waitress at many restaurants so many flies to swat
Kungfukitten wrote on 08/1/06 at 12:53 pm :
My cats are equal opportunity bug eaters. They eat flies, spiders and moths. In fact Loki can recognize the timbre of my scream which indicates I’ve just seen a spider and he’ll come running in the room to save the day. When they were babies I actually watched them *split* a spider. Loki ate half and pushed the other half to Trinity who snaffled it up. I was torn between being grossed out and thinking how sweet and kind my kittens were.
Kungfukitten wrote on 08/1/06 at 12:55 pm :
Ha! Here, you need to buy J-Man one of these:
http://www.amazingflygun.com/
cianne wrote on 08/1/06 at 1:37 pm :
our cats have apparantly turned veggie. i can’t get either one of them to catch a fly if i point it out to them. they just look at me from where they’re laying on the cold floor and go, ‘hunh? YOU catch it, lady.’ perhaps your cat could come and give them a refresher course.
Cosmic wrote on 08/1/06 at 3:44 pm :
Ya, what Mish said. I can catch them easily. The trick is to scoop them up from behind. Works like a charm.
Pointlessbanter.net » August 1st Update wrote on 08/1/06 at 6:32 pm :
[…] Not Just Your Garden Variety Neurotic Smartass Shoo Fly, Don’t Bother Me Aaaaaaron Got Cavities? Blame the Civil Engineers […]
zen wrote on 08/1/06 at 6:39 pm :
i’d like to see a video of elmo catching flies!…~zen
AnneAsphodel wrote on 08/2/06 at 6:35 am :
Foolproof method for ridding one’s house of pesky flies: Wait until dark. Flies love light, especially at night. Systematically darken your house until only your foyer is lit. Turn on your outside light. Open the door to the outside and turn off the last light in your foyer. The flies will go outside to the light.
Loob wrote on 08/2/06 at 12:13 pm :
(I might have told you about this, can’t remember.)
My cat Star catches spiders, and one time she had a big one in her mouth and it was still alive and all its legs were sticking out of her mouth, wiggling wildly on her chin!
I had a coronary and almost fainted, but later we (hubby n me) were pretty grateful that she um took care of it for us. Spiders are a big phobia of mine.
Michelle wrote on 08/9/06 at 2:07 pm :
Do you know that there are “electric” fly swatters now? I bought one for about 16 bucks. You put 2 double a batteries in this device that resembles a tennis racket. Once the batteries are in, all you have to do is find a fly, bug or other pestilence and press a button while touching it to the bug. It zaps the living hell out of it, and little sparks come out. The bug will never know what hit him!
Here’s a picture of it. You should seriously consider getting one, it makes killing bugs an enjoyable experience
http://www.softwareandstuff.com/h_misc_superflyzap.html
Michelle
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