The Year is 2000 and I am Tired.
August 10th, 2006 by Kevin
This is about an incident that transpired shortly after the advent of Fuckbrain.
I am so tired, so tired, so motherfuckingtired, why am I so tired? I can’t stand it, this tiredness, it settles over my body like a thick layer of soot that will not wash off. This tired is caffeine-resistant, sleep-resistant. It is all-engulfing. I don’t even want to smoke, and that is really astonishing.
I am lying on the couch – all I ever do anymore is lie on the couch, it seems – and J. is sitting on the floor, playing. Neither of us is paying any attention to the television. I am trying to remember whether or not I have fed him. This is how out of it I am. I came home from the hospital yesterday.
And so I have an excuse. An iron-clad excuse. An iron-clad excuse for doing what I have been doing for the past few months anyway, for doing what I have been doing since I have been on disability leave, and that is nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I do nothing, I feel nothing, I am nothing.
Without my job and my car and my life, I am nothing.
Without my eyes, I am nothing.
Nothing.
J. looks fed. He looks happy, playing busily with some little fucking Fisher-Price thing that is perfect for entertaining babies whose mothers are just plain Not Giving Enough, mothers who don’t have the energy for pattycake or Airplane or fucking long division sign language flash cards or whatever the fuck I’m supposed to be doing that I’m not.
I am not a good mother.
He smiles up at me.
You deserve so much more than me, kiddo, and I’m not just saying that to be all self-deprecating and typically depressive I’m Jen And I Suck and mopey and shitty and sorry for myself. You really do.
What an easy baby. What an undemanding, placid, easy kid, content to sit on the floor and play and smile and not turn colors and scream and look at me with angry eyes as if I were the shittiest mother ever to walk the face of the earth.
Which he should, because I am.
I lucked out and landed the easiest, least complicated, healthiest baby around, which compensates for all my faults as a caregiver and parent. Had I been yoked with one of the screamers, a sickly one, one of the colicky, frightening, red-faced, maniacal urchins that scared me so as a sickly pregnant woman; we’d probably have killed each other by now.
Me: a wasting away in a mental institution, The child: God only knows.
I turn to press my body into the warm, forgiving back of the couch and it is so comfortable, and I am so tired, and he is so happy there on the stained beige carpet; and I wonder why it is I should feel so comfortable when I am getting away with murder, when clearly I am a shitty person and should be up, doing something, dishes, washing clothes, performing complex mathematical calculations, underwater basket-weaving, something.
Maybe I am just a lazy fuck who can’t admit that she is lazy. Maybe I am just depressed over this whole eye thing and that’s why I’m so tired. Maybe my mother is right and I need to get outside more. Maybe I need to go take a walk, take this kid out into the sunshine. Maybe-
And then I am awake, and there are forty neighbors in my house, yelling.
Jennifer.
JENNIFER.
JENNIFER!
What?
WHAT?
J. was in the street.
WHAT?!
J. was in the street.
He was sitting in the middle of the street.
WHAT?!
I don’t remember what else is said, probably something along the lines of “wake the fuck up,” or, “you need to lock your door if you’re going to be on drugs,” or maybe, “we’re calling DCFS now,” but I just sat there and cried and cried as J. sat next to me on the couch and babbled.
It’s the drugs, I just got out of the hospital, and they have me on these drugs, because I was on all these steroids, and I’m just so tired, you know? I’m just so tired, and I don’t know what happened! I fell asleep, and I don’t know what happened, I don’t know how he got out, I don’t know why the door was unlocked.
I’m not on drugs I swear, I’m not a bad person, I swear,I’m not one of these bitches you see on Jerry Springer who doesn’t care about her baby, I’m not that crackhead lady from Boys in the Hood who lets her baby run into the street, where Ice Cube says, “KEEP YOUR BABY OUT THE STREET,” oh God, what is happening to my life, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. You don’t know how sorry I am.
My mother leaves me notes, you know. She leaves me these little notes and they say things like “If you are feeling up to it please vacuum today,” or, “You need to do the dishes,” or, “Laundry.” She stops here on her way to work to make sure I am up and leaves me these notes. And they piss me off, you know, they make me so fucking mad, like How Dare She, even though I am renting her house, and the least I could fucking do is keep it clean, the least I could do is take good care of her grandson, the least I could do is lift this house from its foundation and shake the dust from its very beams for all that she has done for me, and I should and I don’t and I can’t even vacuum and all I can do is lie here like a pathetic weak fucking slug and I’m so, so sorry, my God, I’m so sorry.
The neighbors leave and I think that they all suspect I am shooting heroin. I look like I have been shooting heroin. I am paper-pale with purple circles under my eyes and I have huge bruises all over my arms from IVs and blood draws.
Oh God.
I look at my son who is staring at me with round brown eyes as I sob and snort snot, which is running down to my chin, and freak out.
“I am going to take care of you, I swear to God.”
More staring.
“I am not going to let anything happen to you.”
He slaps his thighs.
“Your mama is a complete and total fucking mess, but we are going to make this work somehow.”
How very Mary Tyler Moore of me! We’re going to make it after all.
Yeah.
Right.
I put him down for a nap and lie down on the floor next to the crib. We both sleep for three hours.
When I wake up I know that I have not had enough sleep. I will never have had enough sleep.
dom wrote on 08/10/06 at 1:39 pm :
you do what you can. it’s silly to expect more from yourself than is physically possible in your situation. don’t compare yourself to others because it’s apples to oranges. j-man deserves the best, so you call in help when you’re lacking, but you can’t blame yourself for matters out of your control.
trancejen wrote on 08/10/06 at 2:27 pm :
This was six years ago.
trancejen wrote on 08/10/06 at 2:35 pm :
But even so, thank you.
ang wrote on 08/10/06 at 2:53 pm :
I think every mother questions her maternal ability. I do all the time. Some of it stems from an abnormal childhood and understanding that I have no good basis of comparison when it comes to what normal families do. This entry was sad, and I cannot imagine the agony of what you were going through. But… it OBVIOUSLY worked out well in the end, didn’t it? Look at J now. Happy, healthy, and secure. Outgoing and a good student. Active. Loved.
You realize that we haven’t hit teenager years yet, right
trancejen wrote on 08/10/06 at 3:11 pm :
Oh God, don’t even go there.
mish wrote on 08/10/06 at 4:38 pm :
i think i read that before - possible? Anyway J is really lucky to have a mom who is around all the time and who really cares for him. You may not be perfect all the time, but the actual time that you spend together really ought to compensate for that a thousandfold
Michelle wrote on 08/10/06 at 4:39 pm :
I am sitting here sobbing my eyes out after reading that. Its the postpartum hormone crap. I sort of feel the same way, now with 2 kiddos 20 months apart. How will I ever be a good mother? If its any consolation, I think you are a good mother!
trancejen wrote on 08/10/06 at 7:32 pm :
Mish - you read a version of that before.
Pointlessbanter.net » August 10th Update wrote on 08/10/06 at 8:03 pm :
[…] Aaaaaaron Men, do you REALLY cared about the environment Cooking with Sterno Hood river trip day three Not Just Your Garden Variety Neurotic Smartass The Year is 2000 and I am Tired Reverend Qelqoth’s Journal L.R.A. Hit Singles […]
Gwensarah wrote on 08/11/06 at 7:36 am :
wow. that hit me hard. that was the most brutally honest and soul wrenching entry I’ve read in a long time. the thing is, I’ve felt that way. different circumstances as to why but still…maybe that’s why reading that was hard, it was only a few months ago in my case.
I’d say you kept your promise to J. though, a million times over. I’d think he’s evident that you’re the right mother for him.
Mary wrote on 08/11/06 at 9:31 am :
Just wondering if you meant to put his whole name in there? I think we’ve all had our scary moments. Mine was when my two year old climbed up on the roof.
shannon wrote on 08/11/06 at 4:03 pm :
good lord, did you have to do that on my birthday? i enjoy reading you, and i enjoy your honesty & wit, but, really, stop beating yourself up. we’re all horrible mothers.join the club.
Kelli wrote on 08/11/06 at 5:25 pm :
What a beautiful and heartbreaking story. I know it was a few years ago but still…the fuckbrain, being a mother (and a single one at that), are each ALONE monumental tasks for anyone to handle. The fact that you handle BOTH is proof that you are a very, very strong person. From what I have been able to gather, J Man himself is proof of what an awesome mom you are. I’m not just a big fan of you because you’re an incredible writer, I am also a big fan of you as a person.
Cosmic wrote on 08/12/06 at 7:07 am :
As a mother of two, I can tell you that a lot of mothers, if honest, could write a similar entry at any given time. We all have (or had) doubts. Mine are now 32 and 35 and any time they screw something up, I wonder if it is because of the way I raised them. I think self doubt comes with motherhood. But you will notice, the kids that mess up the most, often come from homes where mom thought she was the first woman to ever produce fruit from her womb and was always the supermom and the most vocal on how to raise kids properly. Ya, self doubt can have it’s advantages. It keeps us on out toes.
zen wrote on 08/12/06 at 11:58 pm :
i’ve been reading you for years now jen and the love you feel for your son shines out from nearly every entry…i remember entries from years ago when you were making decorations for him and you couldn’t even see very well, having to hold things right up to your face to work on them, but you didn’t let that stop you from making sure that j-man got his decorations! i remember reading about you baking for him for school things, and playing games with him when you could barely walk. all of these years you have been a wonderful mother and all of us mothers out there could learn from you darlin’…~zen
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