Alas, Herman, I Knew Him Well.
August 16th, 2006 by Kevin
My fear of spiders is well-known and well-documented, but long before I became an incredibly adept swinger of the Swiffer and long before I became tall enough to swat the ceiling with a shoe, I had a tarantula for a pet.
Most people believe that this is nothing short of clinically insane, but I have always viewed the tarantula as less of a spider and more of a hamster with extra feet.
Assuming that the tarantulas in question aren’t poisonous, the little buggers are actually very fuzzy and cute.
Ours was named Herman for reasons I don’t remember. Perhaps a nod to Herman’s Hermits, singers of that illustrious tune, “I’m Henry the Eighth, I Am”? Perhaps not.
Anyway, Herman was a fat and happy arachnid with a body about the size of a tablespoon, brown and black striped, content to sit in his glass box and gorge himself on the live crickets that were trapped in the alley behind my house.
Catching crickets is no easy feat. Eventually we started paying the younger neighborhood kids nickels to trap the wily little suckers. Herman would only eat them if they were alive, so dead ones didn’t count.
Herman would walk up your arm and sit on your shoulder, perhaps staring out the window at the world through his eight eyes, or perhaps wishing he could roam free through the green shag carpeting in our house. This was not possible, because our big white cat had a longing for giant spider which would have been easily assuaged in a single pounce.
My mother, who is not terribly afraid of spiders, was horrified by my father’s decision to adopt a hairy tarantula. She wanted nothing to do with the little beastie, its cricket carcasses, its sand, its water, or its occasional forays outside the cage onto our limbs.
She shuddered visibly each time she walked past its aquarium, rolling her eyes heavenward as if calling upon the Lord to deliver her from the family of lunatics that had been thrust upon her.
One night, I woke to a piercing scream. Shaken, I leapt out of bed and ran into the family room (or “frunchroom”, as we call it here in the Sout’ Side).
My mother and father were standing in front of the tarantula’s tank. My mother was pointing and screaming. “There are TWO of them. TWO OF THEM!!”
Herman had shed his skin in one perfect glot, and in her sleep-addled state, my mother believed that he had somehow regenerated.
My father has probably laughed harder at some point in his life. I’m sure that some of his old Air Force buddies have told some particularly good jokes, and God knows I’ve done a lot of stupid shit that I’m sure has been pretty funny to watch. Still, he had tears coming out of his eyes as he rolled on the floor, laughing and shaking and cracking up.
My mother was not amused.
I took the skin to school the next day in a Ziploc baggie.
Herman was donated to a university science lab the next week, where I like to hope that he lived to a ripe old age and was able to regenerate many more times.
He remains the only arachnid upon whom I have not wished immediate death.
Happy Wednesday.
Rob R-H wrote on 08/16/06 at 11:03 am :
You know I love you, Jen, but Jesus Howard Titty-fucking Christ, that story made me skeeve from beginning to end.
trancejen wrote on 08/16/06 at 11:45 am :
LMAO.
He was cute and cuddly!!!! Like one of your hamsters!!!
mish wrote on 08/16/06 at 11:52 am :
share your feelings about spiders also and am also fascinated by tarantulas - they are so soft and fuzzy. Maybe if i loved one, it would creep me out so much,
menoblog wrote on 08/16/06 at 12:02 pm :
“He got married to the widow next door,
she’d been married seven times before,
and everyone was a Henry, a Henry,
she wouldn’t take a Willie or a Sam, not a one.
…………..”
Thanks a bunch for that running through my head for the rest of the day.
trancejen wrote on 08/16/06 at 12:29 pm :
HA HA HA HA HA HA
Oh man, I am really sorry.
That sucks.
Pointlessbanter.net » Mish Mash Update! wrote on 08/17/06 at 8:20 am :
[…] Not Just Your Garden Variety Neurotic Smartass Alas, Herman, I Knew Him Well […]
MelissaC wrote on 08/17/06 at 8:35 am :
Um, yeah. What Rob R-H said. Like, to the 10th power.
Damn, girl. As a fellow spider-hater, I am traumatized.
Whew. I need a drink to get past this…
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