Playing Possum.
August 22nd, 2006 by Kevin
We had an outdoor light with a photocell installed in our backyard. It goes on at dusk and off at dawn.
The other night I was walking upstairs and I just happened to look out the back door’s window because it looked so bright outside.
Lumbering through my yard was an enormous, fat, possum.
I am talking huge. Two feet long, not including tail.
“MOM. Mom. Come here. Hurry.”
“What?”
“Just come here! Hurry up!!”
“What!”
“COME HERE!”
She ran downstairs and we looked through the window again in time to see its tail disappearing around the side of the garage.
“Oh shit, you missed it. It was this huge possum.”
“EW!”
“Yeah.”
Suddenly it came back around, even closer to the back door, little beady black eyes gleaming.
“AAAA!”
“SEE?!”
“Oh my GOD!”
“I TOLD you!”
“That thing is HUGE!”
“I KNOW!”
“It’s bigger than our CATS!”
“I KNOW!”
“I’m going to be SICK!”
“I KNOW!”
“What do we do?”
“Nothing. It probably lives in the alley.”
“God, gross – or in the neighbor’s yard!”
“I KNOW!”
Them’s good eatin’!
I kid.
Since our neighbor on the left moved out, nobody has bothered to mow the fucking grass. I don’t know whether the bank that foreclosed on the joint is supposed to do this or what, but the grass is easily two and a half feet high, and it is probably now harboring a plethora of critters.
I’m afraid that we are going to have our own little ghetto wildlife preserve pretty soon if we don’t take the matter into our own hands.
I am not permitted to use the lawn mower (lawn mower + seizure = missing limbs), but I have urged my mother (people probably think I am the worst lazy slob in the world, making my mother cut the damned grass) to consider cutting the grass next door.
I suppose I could whip through it with a machete. Or perhaps I could call Animal Planet and get someone like Jeff Corwin or the Crocodile Guy to weed through it. They could get a show out of it. “The Ghetto’s Most Dangerous Animals” – featuring the giant possum, the pigeon, and the swearing squirrel.
That possum was a scary motherfucker. Seriously. He looked like he could have stood up, opened the back door, and bitchslapped the hell out of us both. He could probably eat my kid for a light snack. I can just imagine the thing now - all rabid and horrible, huge jaws dripping foamy slobber…
Oy.
Enough of that.
I’m going to have to get me some blow darts.
It’s so quiet. There are no children in my house playing loud video games, watching annoying cartoons, or making “PIU! PIU! PIU!” noises as they shoot one another with fake guns.Marvelous.I love my boy, but it’s nice to have my days free.
For the record, the first day of the new school was a big hit.
I have been on the phone all morning with the insurance company and various doctors. Friday is Heart Test Day. They bumped me from last week so that I could have all my tests on the same day rather than spreading them all out.For once, I’m not nervous. I’m reasonably confident that absolutely nothing is wrong with my heart.
Now if only they could do something about this giant zit on my forehead…
Happy Tuesday.
menoblog wrote on 08/22/06 at 9:30 am :
Mmmm Possum pie.
One time a raccoon came into our house and tried to drag the entire dry cat food bin out the back door. That was exciting, but at least they are cute. Possums are major ugly.
trancejen wrote on 08/22/06 at 9:46 am :
They are. Scary as hell.
dom wrote on 08/22/06 at 10:12 am :
maybe it was such a gigantizoid because it was pregnant! and soon you’ll have 2 yards infested with dozens of creepy oversized rabid drippy-fanged zombie possums! you’ll be living out The Birds, only giant-zombie-possum style!
trancejen wrote on 08/22/06 at 10:28 am :
Hey, THANKS FOR THAT, DOM.
Sheesh!!
*shiver*
The Birds was a fucking awesome movie.
dom wrote on 08/22/06 at 11:47 am :
OMG, TJ! Are you sure it wasn’t this?…. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060822/ap_on_sc/rampaging_raccoons
Jer wrote on 08/22/06 at 12:47 pm :
Possums are the UGLIEST animal I’ve ever seen, EVER.
trancejen wrote on 08/22/06 at 12:50 pm :
test
trancejen wrote on 08/22/06 at 12:52 pm :
OK. Some comments weren’t showing up.
And no, Dom, but that is some freaky shit!!
And Jer, I completely agree. Have you ever seen one hiss?? Their jaws come unhinged and they look like freaking aliens. GAH.
mish wrote on 08/22/06 at 1:36 pm :
Born and raised in miami - no possums. i moved to richmond for 7 years. One COLD (but not for you I bet) by husky was scratcing at the door. Instantantly she went for a small animal. It was a possum and looked dead. Work great. Misha (my lovely husky) just sniffed it and came inside. I was thinking the poor little things was dead. It was lying on its back in the freezing rain. I was like ohh, poor guy - then I realized he was playing possum! I checked on him bout every 20 min but he never moved. By morning he was gone though.
I saw another baby possum once when I was camping. He was on our swing which we thought was a safe place for food (San Antonio KOA). I found him w/ his mouth wide open like ready to jump and kill me. I had to take a picture (before the days of affordable digital cameras) and lo and behold I was out of film. I went inside to reload and he was STILL THERE! Kinda playing dead but w/ a mouth ready open for attack. I took a bunch of pics - I thought he was so cute. But a 2 foot one - i dont konw about that. Living in Miami though, I am thrilled to see any wildlife at all - even squirrels make me happy.
OOHH - love the purple glittery stuff - outerspace looking also on the bottom here.
Dave wrote on 08/22/06 at 1:55 pm :
Call the city health department and have something done about the lawn/possum-thing. I mean, these things sneak into your house at night! When you were in diapers, I was an MP at Ft. Sheridan and all we did was get possums and racoons out of people’s basements in the middle of the night. Believe me, there is nothing less pleasant than a gigantic, cornered rodent in the middle of the night!
Health Department…seriously!
lisa-marie wrote on 08/22/06 at 1:59 pm :
Possums are nasty ass creatures! Creepy, scary, the things of freakin’ nightmares! I always secretly cheer when I see one squashed by the side of the road.
mish wrote on 08/22/06 at 4:35 pm :
am I really the only one that thinks they are really cute?
Nightowl wrote on 08/23/06 at 12:16 am :
possum pie anyone? straight from the Roadkill Cafe. Sorry, not much of a rodent person.
thatgrrrl wrote on 08/23/06 at 3:58 am :
if you were a cat, I don’t think you would wear this dress, but you might be almost this pale: http://www.stuffonmycat.com/index.php?itemid=2042#c.
Andrea wrote on 08/23/06 at 4:44 am :
Sounds like the creatures from the princess bride movie!
Sharon wrote on 08/23/06 at 7:38 am :
I love possums. I think they’re so ugly that they’re cute.
Lisa Marie, you’re sick. Why would anyone cheer at the death of a living thing. Very sad.
Carol Elaine wrote on 08/23/06 at 10:19 am :
Mish, I kinda think possums are cute too. I’m not about to scratch one behind the ears or take one as a pet, but I still think they’re cute.
Yeah, Jen, I know. I’m weird…
Unkawill wrote on 08/23/06 at 5:09 pm :
Mish I think they are cute also. I get racoons, possums, deer and snakes in my yard all the time. Every once in a while an armidillo too.
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