Butt Implants.

August 24th, 2006 by Kevin

So last night I’m flipping channels and I come across an icky plastic surgery show on the Discovery Health Channel. I love icky surgery shows. The ickier the better.

I’m really a weird fuck. I’ll cross the street to avoid having to walk near a dog and I absolutely refuse to watch any of those chainsaw guy/Jason/Michael Myers movies, but I’ll watch a doctor pull someone’s guts out, no problem.

They’ve been trying to analyze me for years and are no closer to any sort of reasonable explanation as far as I can tell.

Who the hell knows?

Anyway, I’m watching this show, and suddenly they pan to a close-up of this nauseatingly perky, pretty, skinny, little blonde chick in a tiny white bikini (if you can pull off a tiny white bikini, that is automatic grounds for hatred in my book) who is complaining about how, ohmigod, she has no butt.

OH YOU POOR PITIFUL THING HAVING NO BUTT. HERE, LET ME GRAB A COUPLE KILOS OFF OF MY GARGANTUAN REAR AND DONATE TO THE FLAT-ASS RICH WHITE GIRL FUND.

CALL THE MOTHERFUCKING WAAAAHMBULANCE, TIFFANI LACKS ASS!!

So we find out that Brittni or Tiffani or whatever-the-fuck is getting BUTT IMPLANTS.

Yeah.

I was pretty sure they were going to inject her with collagen or give her an ass lift or whatever, but no, there are BUTT IMPLANTS.

And here is a quote about how little Gucci would like her ass to look:

“You know, I’m not doing this to like, look like J-Lo. I mean, I don’t want a like, booty. I don’t want it to be all, bam! and stuff. I just want a butt. I just want to fill my jeans out.”

Girlfriend don’t want no ghetto booty. That might attract those darned Negros.

Then Misti’s little friend chimes in. “Yeah, like, she’s had it so hard. Because people have made fun of her since like, freshman year of high school. Which was like, three years ago.”

OH MY GOD YOU POOR TORTURED THING. SOMEBODY TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAD A SMALL ASS???? THE HORROR!!!

At this point I want to adopt this girl like one of those Sally Struthers kids and feed her Cheetos. I’ll show her how to grow a real ass.

The butt implants are shown. They are hard plastic. I try to imagine myself walking around with candy dishes on my ass cheeks. No can do.

Now we’re getting down to brass tacks and the surgery begins. For some reason six surgeons are standing around. I don’t think it takes six surgeons to put in butt implants, so I think they’re just staring at her ass. Her poor, unfortunate, flat ass.

I also notice that they have tissue stuffed into her butt crack. I wonder whether this is fart insurance.

One of the surgeon explains that it is MUCH HARDER *stuff stuff* to put in butt implants *jam jam* than breast implants *jam jam* because they’re rigid *stuff stuff*. He is shoving those plastic bowls into her ass like he’s trying to fist her from the side. At this point, it’s getting pretty gross.

He also says that Mitzi is going to have a lot of pain when she wakes up and will not be able to sit down for three weeks.

Three weeks. It’s rough having to stand up for that long. I broke my tailbone once, and the worst thing was trying to shit while sort of leaning back over the toilet, balancing on my hands like a gymnast.

The surgeon doesn’t explain this, of course. These are bits of wisdom you can only get here at TranceJen.

We never get to see little Chrissi recovering, though. I was hoping for the sight of a swollen, bruised ass, but nope.

Instead we get before-and-afters of Bambi in a thong, her ass looking not much different than it did before surgery. We are also told that the surgery cost nine thousand dollars.

Nine thousand bones for one more inch of ass. Incredible.

“I’m totally happy with my butt. Totally happy.”

A nearby table of Twitty’s friends concur. “Yeah, nice ass.”

I guarantee that every single person she knows is going to grab her ass in order to feel the butt implants. I know I would.

Happy Thursday.

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Posted in WTF?

117 Responses to “Butt Implants.”

  1. dom wrote on 08/24/06 at 1:56 pm :

    will she EVER be able to sit comfortably with plastic up her arse? next to sleeping, sitting is like my favorite thing.

  2. Michelle wrote on 08/24/06 at 1:58 pm :

    I nominate this entry for your contest! That was seriously the funniest shit I’ve read. The line “OH YOU POOR PITIFUL THING HAVING NO BUTT. HERE, LET ME GRAB A COUPLE KILOS OFF OF MY GARGANTUAN REAR AND DONATE TO THE FLAT-ASS RICH WHITE GIRL FUND.” made me nearly bust a nut if I had one to bust.

  3. trancejen wrote on 08/24/06 at 1:58 pm :

    I can’t imagine it. They looked like plastic candy dishes. HARD plastic. I mean, OW.

  4. Veronica wrote on 08/24/06 at 2:23 pm :

    What about ass scars? Like, shouldn’t there be unslightly ass scars for her to whine about, when Gucci decides that she needs to wear thong bikinis? Will she then run out to get Ass Scar Removal surgery?

  5. Jé Maverick wrote on 08/24/06 at 2:53 pm :

    That’s depressing. On my list of ten things that a woman can’t fake in the bedroom, butt size was one of the most prized. Now, I am a fan of a little extra junk in the trunk, but hard plastic? Damn.

  6. Beck wrote on 08/24/06 at 3:12 pm :

    I can donate to the fund too! I’ll help out a poor little assed girl. Sooo sad! I mean, talk about the injustices of the world. Here I sit comfortably on my cushy, blessed rear while others have to resort to painful candy dish surgery just to have even a little bit of the wealth I’ve been given. I swear, what is the world coming to? Where are the little assed people charities? When will they get the break they so obviously deserve? My heart aches for these people. Oh, excuse me… my ice cream sundae is melting.

  7. LA wrote on 08/24/06 at 3:26 pm :

    I love you soooooo much. Goddamn I needed that laugh! ~LA

  8. warcrygirl wrote on 08/24/06 at 3:36 pm :

    WAAAAAAAAMBULANCE? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I’m totally stealing that. Also: WTF? Whatever happened to Buns of Steel?

  9. Dichroic wrote on 08/24/06 at 3:39 pm :

    I actually saw that show - and I saw it months ago, so it’s been televised more than once. They must be hurting for broadcast material.

    I would have to concur that there wasn’t much difference before and after. Not nearly as much as she’d have gotten with lots of lunges and a bunch of squats with major weights (like, not pretty pink candyass dumbbells) on her shoulders. And those might have actually given her increased capabilities, like, say, the ability to walk up stairs carrying one kicking child while another drags at her kneecaps. Or to kick off a pool wall really hard and win a race. Or lift even heavier weights. No candy dishes or lack of sitting required.

    Plus, I have a feeling she’s going to regret this all when she’s fifty and soft and spreading (because obviously she doesn’t believe in exercise) except for those two candy-dish-shaped bumps on her butt.

  10. Cosmic wrote on 08/24/06 at 4:03 pm :

    All I can thik to say is, “How stupid!” $9,000 for an ass? I have an ex-husband I would have sold her for 3.

  11. AnaBell wrote on 08/24/06 at 4:31 pm :

    “when she’s (…) soft and spreading” waaahh! that made me laugh so hard. It’s going to be my new mantra while working out: “I do not want to be soft and spreading, I do not want to be soft and spreading”

  12. Kungfukitten wrote on 08/24/06 at 5:26 pm :

    You know, I could have fixed her up for much cheaper. A few boxes of Krispy Kremes and she’d have an ass like mine. Craziness. On the up side, I bet her ass sounds like a bongo drum when she gets spanked.

  13. trancejen wrote on 08/24/06 at 5:33 pm :

    OK, Cosmic, LMFAO. That fucking killed me.

    And Dichroic, I was thinking the same damn thing - DAMN girl, do some fucking squats!!

    Kungfu, I would pay good omney to hear that. Ass bongos. Whereas mine is more of an ass symphony.

  14. Jamilisa wrote on 08/24/06 at 7:09 pm :

    heh…got behind and had to read a few posts to catch up…so…

    a) fart insurance…TOO FUNNY!!! reminds me of that american inventor show, the american idol spinoff?? they had this guy who made a fart deodorizer pad to wear under your clothes, so…supposedly, you could fart in public and it would be SO less embarassing, because it wouldn’t stink?? ha!

    b) i agree w/ Michelle, this should go up for the blog tournament thing.

    c) this chick might be able to go to buttfest 5 now, you think?

  15. menoblog wrote on 08/24/06 at 7:49 pm :

    I really like “fart insurance” too. Tells you what level my humor is. Maybe they were just trying to prevent us from catching a view of her poor skinny coochie. I read recently where there is now a procedure to give you plumper lips. Yeah, down there.

  16. Donk wrote on 08/24/06 at 10:05 pm :

    This blog has prompted me to get my butt implants removed

  17. Eeyore wrote on 08/24/06 at 11:09 pm :

    You know, I’ve always thought my stomach was too flat. I think I’ll get an implant so I can have a pot belly. Pleh!

  18. Trish wrote on 08/25/06 at 1:43 am :

    I don’t think that I would want something that might have once held mixed nuts at some Super Bowl party under the skin of my buttocks. And if she ever falls on her ass her cheeks might end up looking like the Terminator’s forehead.

    Actually, I have to feel some amount of sympathy for her as I do know what it is like to need body modification. However, one day her’s will have to come out (I am betting).

  19. Bozoette Mary wrote on 08/25/06 at 11:52 am :

    I’m sorry, my mind just blew up.

  20. lisa-marie wrote on 08/25/06 at 2:04 pm :

    Damn that was funny! Thanks for the snorting-coffee-through-my-nose laughs, Jen!

  21. Jer wrote on 08/25/06 at 2:18 pm :

    That person didn’t need a butt implant, she needs a BRAIN implant. Do you know what I could do with 9000 dollars???

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