Hello, Hello, I’m In a Place Called Vertigo.
August 27th, 2006 by Kevin
What they need to understand is that it isn’t my heart, it’s my head.
They, of course, being these silly doctors.
It’s my head causing these swoops and dips and rapid collisions with the ground (the ones that are non-seizure-related), because I can hear a sort of wind in my ears right before it happens, a harbinger of the hurricane about to take place in my brain.
I know at that moment that I am going to be circling drunkenly on my feet like the Scarecrow (who mysteriously has no brain to cause his vertigo) and that if I don’t sit down now I’m going to sit down the hard way.
There is that sort of sensation that my head is filled with sloshing water, as if I am a fishbowl, and that perhaps any second now a betta will come charging out of my left nostril.
Which would, of course, be one hell of a party trick.
Time doesn’t mean a whole lot when you’re lumbering along in this state. I blink and it is the afternoon, I wake up on the couch and it is eight PM. Days are being stuffed into my pockets like ticket stubs of movies I have slept right through, and I am walking out into the bright parking lot, groggy, thinking, “Shit, I paid full price for that.”
Lately I only leave the house for doctor’s appointments and Thursday night karaoke, which is my lone social event these days. I prepare for it by eating a couple of herbal diet pills. Otherwise I think I’d fall asleep at the bar. At the bar I drink beer concurrently with two or three pitchers of water to keep me going.
I think if anyone knew how tired I actually was and how much I actually slept during the week they’d be astonished. There are morning naps, afternoon naps, evening naps.
I have become geratric at the age of thirty-two.
I’m a little disenchanted tonight.
I don’t want any more advice or medical care, what I want is to be fucking thirty-two, a normal person bouncing around taking her kid to the park and to school and to swimming lessons and maybe going to the gym and working out and having dinner with friends and riding her bike for miles and miles at night and working and making money and shopping and dating and buying her own home and just being the sort of person one sees trucking around in their little Hondas, living life.
Not staggering around like a drunk with a cane like today, holding onto the walls as if the floor was tilting like some sort of cruel funhouse.
My body is a cruel funhouse.
Tonight I’m just fucking pissed off. I try to remain upbeat and deal with this as best as I can, but it’s lonely and it’s irritating and it’s discouraging, and sometimes I’m just fucking sick of all of it.
shannon wrote on 08/27/06 at 3:49 pm :
long time reader—–not a commentor…..however, i must sympathize ———trying to be healthy sucks.
I have different problems, but i’m weary of being sick–(and asshole doctors) too.
Melanie wrote on 08/27/06 at 6:39 pm :
At last, I delurk! Can you contain your excitement? *heehee* Dear one, as a girl who has had life-long, uhmmm, *problems* with a pretty darn messed-body and a bit less-messed up brain (horrid migraines, of every sort, that do not respond to ANYTHING, including the painless but eye-sight robbing *occular* ones, I so so totally understand.
So many days of anything painful wears one out and it is unfair. No one asks us, though, did they? Of course, we can wait and watch as old-age and middle-age sometimes teaches the oh-so-lucky healthy ones just what it truly means to have a body/brain that goes wacky on you.
Sometimes, all you can do sweetie, is get through each episode and unsolvable problem knowing there is nothing to be done and just saying, “Well, damn. Aint’ much I can do about this.” And hide out. *heehee*
Best wishes to you, ’cause you deserve them!
MissMelanie
Jenn wrote on 08/27/06 at 11:06 pm :
Having my own health problems that started 3 days after my 25th birthday…I understand your frustration. I understand the idiot asshole doctors who never seem to want to listen to what you have to say, who feel THEY are right and don’t understand that you know your own body better than them.
I’m supposed to be on 7 meds a day, and haven’t taken any since March of last year. I am so damn tired of the pills, the appointments, the once a week blood tests…So I took a break.
Stupid, maybe. But I just wanted you to know that there is someone (and probably many, many more) of your readers who understand and feel the same way you do.
Donk wrote on 08/27/06 at 11:51 pm :
As always, personal and well-written. I hope you feel better soon
Kungfukitten wrote on 08/28/06 at 4:02 am :
I’m sorry that you have to go through all this crap, Jen. I just keep praying to my many dieties that your doctors will coordinate, get their shit together and figure out exactly what’s wrong with you and there will be one magical drug to take care of all your symptoms and you will no longer have seizures, fall down or have brain fog. In fact, this new drug will give you super hero like abilities: you’ll be able to see through things, sing like Madonna, dance like Christina Aguilara and knock over liquor stores without being detected. Heck yeah.
H G Girl wrote on 08/28/06 at 7:16 am :
I enjoyed this story… not to say that I take pleasure in your discomfort, I now just cant get the image of a BEta flying from your nose. I hope that doesnt make me a sadist
dom wrote on 08/28/06 at 9:44 am :
yeah, and the “make the best of what you’ve got” advice, although true and meant with good intentions, is so disheartening because I don’t want what I’ve got! I want the normal life that everyone else seems to have! but then, strangely and sadly, it is slightly satisfying to realize that no one has the “normal life”. sure they might have a job and a honda and they don’t fall down, but they have an abusive spouse, or a daughter with cancer, or suicidal depression, or some other trouble. maybe their troubles aren’t as bad as some, but no one has it easy. i’d like to try their troubles on for a day, but then i’d probably come scurrying right back to my own, because at least they’re familiar and i’ve learned to deal with them somewhat.
Rabbitwister wrote on 08/28/06 at 12:21 pm :
“My body is a cruel funhouse”. That, my precious Trancejen, is the opening of a personal ad that will bring more men to your doorstep than an email address ending in 69.
SaturnCat wrote on 08/28/06 at 10:52 pm :
“Days are being stuffed into my pockets like ticket stubs of movies I have slept right through, and I am walking out into the bright parking lot, groggy, thinking, ‘Shit, I paid full price for that.’”
I *love* this line. Love it. Want to marry it. Not only because it’s a strong image, but because I feel like that myself nearly every damn day. Thanks for this.
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