PMS is Not a Myth.

August 28th, 2006 by Kevin

I know certain women that get really het up about the idea of PMS. PMS?! Why, we have the God-given right to act like bitches and eat chocolates and throw dishes whenever we please! (Which, of course, is the Gospel truth.) Fuck your PMS!!
“Don’t blame my incessant weeping and bitter stares of hatred on PMS,” they cry. “I simply can’t stand your sorry ass.”

Don’t believe it for a second.

I look at the post I wrote yesterday, and it was strongly tempered by PMS. How do I know this?

A: Spent last night watching The Notebook, during half of which I spent bawling like someone had iced my mama.

B. Wrote horribly depressed journal entry.

C: Got me a visit from Aunt Flo today. (TMI)

While I truly do hate to admit that I - being a reasonably strong woman who absolutely loathes twinkletoe girly stereotypes - am beholden to my hormones in such a way that they can reduce me to a pile of depressed, maudlin, Jen-jelly; it’s completely true. The day before (and thankfully only one day before) my period I am an emotional wreck.

Life is soooo sad. I am soooo depressed. I am crippled and diseased and please let me go and find all of my old Cure albums so that I can go eat Reese’s peanut butter cups and wallow in my despair, particularly feeling the sting that nobody is ever going to love me the way that Noah loved Allie.

And Allie is beautiful. And I am ugly. Ugly as sin, with a big fucking zit on my forehead that will never, ever go away.

Whoever made that movie deserves to be bitchslapped with a maxi-pad. That movie was enough to make me cry for a full hour after it was over, clutching my body pillow, snot dripping down my face like a four-year-old, going “huh-huh-huh-aaaaaaaah,” and begging the cat to come sit on my lap and give me some form of love before I died of despair.

I don’t even cry at those sappy-assed mushy romantic movies! I cry at movies about the Holocaust. I cried during Schindler’s List and The Pianist. I cried during Sunshine. The idea of crying over some schmaltzy love story is just as bad as crying during Dude, Where’s My Car!

It’s the PMS. The PMS is insidious and evil, I’m telling you. The PMS makes one do things one would not ordinarily do, like eat entire pints of Ben and Jerry’s, e-mail ex-boyfriends, get into huge screaming fights about who closed my book when I left it open to save my page, now I’m not going to be able to ever find my page, you don’t just touch someone’s book, what the hell??

It might also make one, after slipping on a gross slimy hairball, launch into a fierce diatribe at the cat how if she’s going to cough up a big nasty fucking hairball could she not do it on the steps where someone could fucking trip on it and break her ass, like there’s not enough motherfucking falling in this house for the love of Jesus, God, you fucking brush her, what is her deal.

And you might also find yourself telling your child that you told him ninety-five times to get off that damned Playstation and get his little heinie in here right now to practice his cursive because damned if he’s going to end up writing like a retarded spider monkey the way his mother does, and you are only trying to help, and you are going to throw that machine out the damn window if he does not listen to you right now.

And you will most certainly tell your mother to not even start with you about how evil you are as a parent, because we all can’t be the perfect gramma who never yells, and that you are yelling because you are trying to raise this child into a grown man, not some wussy little tittybaby mama’s boy who will end up like most of the men you have ever dated, so she should just butt out.
Last night I had a couple beers and felt much better, and today? Today is much better.

Happy Monday.

132 Responses to “PMS is Not a Myth.”

  1. Allyson wrote on 08/28/06 at 1:21 pm :

    And you know what’s worse? Pregnancy is 9 months of PMS followed by 3+ months of post partom depression. I hate PMS. I hate that after I go on some awful diatribe about how my boyfriend is a freaking jerk, and he always interrupts me, and he never has anything nice to say, and how dare he point out that my shirt doesn’t fit right, I have to then sit back, realize that I’m being irrational and apologize with some stupid phrase like, “Sorry, honey, my PMS is flaring up again.” Be happy you only have it for one day, mine lasts for at least three days before, and right now, while my cycle is still re-adjusting itself from the nursing mom no-ick cycle, it’s been lasting up to two weeks.

  2. warcrygirl wrote on 08/28/06 at 1:31 pm :

    I am in the midst of shark week myself and not only am I scafing anything that isn’t nailed down or moving I feel like a balloon in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Joy.

  3. dom wrote on 08/28/06 at 1:51 pm :

    uh oh. i’ve had problems with the ex’s over this one. i do sympathize with bleeding and pain, as much as a male can… having had serious colitis as a teenager. and i’m sure the hormone imbalance is confusing and i’ll never understand the plight of the woman and whatnot… but i still don’t think it is an allowable excuse. i mean, yes, PMS is real and it’s your excuse, but it doesn’t get you off the hook. the ex would say the most horrible things and act like a completely different person, and then in a day or two, apologize about the PMS. and eventually i had to say, no, that doesn’t make it ok. even in your hormonal/emotional/pained state, you should know unacceptable behavior. even in your worst cranky state, you have the option of keeping your mouth shut. but i’m sure all women will hate me for that opinion. and we’ll all go on being single and/or miserable for a long time.

  4. mish wrote on 08/28/06 at 4:20 pm :

    SO know what you are talking about. I got very suicidal (pills and alcohol in hand - then I throw them accross the room - then frantically try to find all of them before my dogs did) 3 times before the 4th when I swallowed them. Only after this did I realize that all my “incidents” coincided w/ aunt flo. yeah - screw you dom - not pms talking, maybe PHS (pre hurricane stress - i made that up, but god do i suffer from it) I try not to watch tv - the elevator will tell me if i have to leave….signs…

  5. RDC wrote on 08/28/06 at 7:30 pm :

    The Notebook made me cry more than any movie ever has. It made Judd bawl like a wee lassie too, but I didn’t say that.

  6. trancejen wrote on 08/29/06 at 5:52 am :

    Please please no infighting in the comments.

    RDC, yeah, it just made me Lose It. That end scene was just the most touching scene of all time, anywhere, ever. My God.

    And Dom, as far as PMS, it has literally made me suicidal as well. There’s just something about the hormones that gets you in its grips and really, really makes a lot of women batshit fucking crazy. Thankfully in my case it’s only the one day, but for some women it’s a whole week.

    Maybe you’re right, maybe this shouldn’t be used as an excuse, and while I’m generally not the sort of plate-throwing violent person, I have been known to be overly emotional and definitely over-reactionary during the day before my period. And it *does* sound like a cop-out, but honest to God, unless I sedate myself all day, I can’t help it. I have tried herbal bullshit and meditation and OTC PMS remedies and none of it works. I’ve just come to accept that for one day out of the month, I’m going to be kind of a depresso bitch.

    I suppose it’s better than being a psycho depresso bitch 365 days out of the year. :D

  7. Scottybill wrote on 08/29/06 at 7:14 am :

    The man’s first rule of PMS is, you Do Not Talk about PMS.

  8. Mz Kelli wrote on 08/29/06 at 8:17 am :

    When any man tells me that PMS is not real, I like to enlighten him with this little statistic - 70% of women incarcerated for violent crimes were experiencing PMS while committing said crimes. I usually include my best evil glare while reciting this little jewel of a fact and ten out of ten times it shuts them up.

  9. Loob wrote on 08/29/06 at 9:39 am :

    “…even in your hormonal/emotional/pained state, you should know unacceptable behavior. even in your worst cranky state, you have the option of keeping your mouth shut.”

    You’re right about that, Dom. That has happened with me and I have felt just awful afterwards, and even during, because I know the way I am acting is very wrong.
    I normally just get emotional and tearful during that *time*, but I have had snarky crappy times where I say rotten things too.

    It’s like you feel so overwrought and hormonal and terrible, that you just fail to keep your mouth shut, even when you know you really should. Then you feel very regretful afterwards, and you apologise.

  10. melissa wrote on 08/30/06 at 5:41 pm :

    I almost peed myself! Thanks!

  11. Maile wrote on 08/30/06 at 11:28 pm :

    man my pms comes a week before. i spend the first part of that week worrying that i’m pregnant. then i realize, hey it’s a week before my period. i say mean things and i’m just snappy and then when i realize how mean i’m being to my bf i start crying cause i feel bad. and all those touching commercials make me cry. and sometimes i cry myself to sleep. once i realize that it’s pms, i can usually calm down. but before that i’m just a nutcase. men will never really understand. imagine if someone kicked you in the nads once every fifteen minutes for a week, then decide if you can contain all your snarky remarks and your anger. cause you know, snarky remarks and anger are inappropriate, and you should remember that and keep your mouth shut even tho you’re being kicked in the nads by a steel toed boot every fifteen minutes. you should try it, it’s fun. and that remark about wussy tittybaby mama’s boys made me snort. ain’t that the truth. too many men are like that. grr.

  12. tali wrote on 08/31/06 at 3:09 pm :

    The book made me cry more. I sobbed, and sobbed. I’ve never cried so much reading a book. And I couldn’t even blame it on PMS.

  13. Elle wrote on 09/27/06 at 7:30 am :

    Jen, you are my hero.

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