S.N.A.F.U. and To Not Feel Fat.
August 31st, 2006 by Kevin
Well, the insurance mess has been fixed, which means I will get my correct insurance back…
…October fifth.
So in the meantime, off to the east ghetto I go (one hour away, with no readily available form of transportation save my neighbor, who I’m sure would be thrilled about driving to the east ghetto), cursing and swearing all the way.
Incidentally, my caseworker never called me once during this whole mess and instead left me to deal with her supervisor.
I think she knew that I would have turned into a velociraptor and started to scream “REEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAWWK!!” into the phone had she even come near it.
I’m slightly less furious, although I have eaten my way through an entire pack of Post-It notes.
Fiber, you know.
I also like the idea of pooping little yellow notes and sending them to the caseworker.
HERE IS SOME URGENT SHIT. GET RIGHT ON THIS, BITCH. STAT.
I kid.
It would be immensely gratifying, though.
In other news, I am down more than three pants sizes since June and it is strange. I have not been this thin since pre-baby, I don’t think, and the clothes I am used to wearing are looking up at me and saying, “What, are you kidding?” before falling to my ankles or hanging from my shoulders ridiculously on my nearly six-foot frame, like a tent.
I have had a collection of size nine and eleven dresses that have been rotting in the back of my closet forever simply because they were too pretty/expensive to sell/throw out, so yesterday I thought I’d give them a go and try a few of them on.
They all fit.
I was having my own little private Pretty Princess party in my mother’s room, standing shell-shocked in front of the full-length mirror, rocked with disbelief.
I knew that I had lost a lot of weight, but I hadn’t really seen it. In my mind I am always fat. I always have been fat and I always will look fairly fat. I inexplicably believed I was fat at an anorexic 108 pounds and I naturally looked fat at an obese two hundred and fifty pounds after piling on a gross amount of weight during pregnancy.
Now I am in the middle at a hundred and sixty pounds and I don’t know what to think. I am not what I would call thin, but for once all of my clothes fit (except for the size six jeans, which hang in the farthest recesses of the closet, taunting me).
I am certainly not in good shape. The inability to exercise most of the time due to Fuckbrain has taken its toll, and my muscles are weak and far from toned. My C-section belly is still a C-section belly. My big butt is still a big butt.
Still, I am no more than thirty or forty pounds away from a weight at which I would be comfortable, if I were to put on a little muscle and tighten up a bit. As far as I have come, thirty or forty pounds is nothing.
I feel sort of good in my skin today. It’s an incredibly rare feeling. I don’t feel like I am at war with The Body, who I have always felt is most certainly out to get me and is the most hideous creation God ever made.
It’s nice.
Happy Thursday.
spazs wrote on 08/31/06 at 8:20 am :
I *also* felt better, good, in the shower today! A friend of mine was musing that I must feel uncomfortable under the shower cause I´m always whining about being too fat etc. But I thought:no…that´s not true. But then today, I DID experience a higher level of being comfortable, I did feel happier under the shower.
Dichroic wrote on 08/31/06 at 9:08 am :
Jen, note that nearly six-foot-tall people are generally not supposed to wear size 6, if they’re at a healthy weight. I wear a 4 or 6, because I am 5′2″. If I were scaled up to your height, I’d probably be at least a 12, with the same proportions. Maybe bigger.
lap wrote on 08/31/06 at 9:29 am :
Um you are wearing junior sizes. Mid-range Junior sizes- and you are 6 ft tall! Smile, and in my book that is thin. I am 1.5 inches shorter than you and I know how thin I look when I am 160 lbs, and YAY is definitely the word to use.
trancejen wrote on 08/31/06 at 9:33 am :
Generally not. I have tiny little bird bones, though, and honestly am healthiest at around 130-120 range. I have an extremely small frame (5-inch wrists), you’d just never know it because of all the weight I’ve been carrying around.
Don’t worry, I’m not starving myself into oblivion, here.
Plus, you’ve got muscle, lady. You row your ass off and all that.
Lorrie wrote on 08/31/06 at 9:36 am :
Yay for you!
menoblog wrote on 08/31/06 at 10:07 am :
I am 6′1″ and weigh 165. I look fine at this weight. I can’t imagine you needing to lose 30-40 lbs. But i also know that body image doesn’t match up with reality.
trancejen wrote on 08/31/06 at 10:17 am :
Jesus Christ.
I didn’t post this for people to jump all over my shit. You weigh what you want, what is good for you, and I will weigh what I feel is good and healthy for me. I’ve been up and down the scales enough to know my own body, and contrary to popular belief, I am a grownup who is very much in touch with reality.
I see doctors every fucking week. Getting into the danger zone is not an option for me, and I’m sickly enough without starting up all that mess again.
Kindly don’t piss in my cornflakes on this one, OK?
Kungfukitten wrote on 08/31/06 at 10:54 am :
Yea! You are a very healthy weight so be proud of all the hard work you’ve done with watching what you eat. Be proud of that sexy booty and the C-scar reminds you of your fabulous son and if it bothers you do what I do - put a tiny bit of money away each month into a plastic surgery account. Someday my tummy will be sucked clean and my nose will look like Lindsey Lohans - or some other tiny nosed trollop of the month. Of course I’ll probably be sixty when I get enough money saved up, but I’m hoping in the future they’ll have plastic surgery booths, sort of like the thee minute photo booths at the mall. (We’re all jumping all over your shit because we all have fucked up body images and would cut off our right leg to look like you.)
Angela wrote on 08/31/06 at 11:11 am :
Yea Jen~
When you are feeling especially hot I would love it if posted a pic! We get to see lots of your face but very few showing all of you! When you said you were in your moms room having a princess party, it made me think of a young girl with moms clothes on…cute visual…..YOU GO GUURRRRLLLLLL!!!
cloudy wrote on 08/31/06 at 11:13 am :
That must feel so good to fit into those clothes.
warcrygirl wrote on 08/31/06 at 11:14 am :
Once again I am reminded of how we are polar opposites. I’m 5′4″ and decline to say what I weigh; let’s just say it’s more than 160 lbs. I just got through shark week and am now being visited by Aunt Flow so I feel like a big, fat, cranky beached whale.
There, I said it.
Congrats on getting into your new/old wardrobe, there’s still hope for me.
Dichroic wrote on 08/31/06 at 11:48 am :
I think how you feel is a pretty good indicator of what you should weigh - I know I tend to get sick and to have fewer digestive issues when I weigh at the high end of what the charts say I should. It makes sense that another person might feel better at the lower end of the range. I know you have body perception issues because you’ve said so in so many words, but if that’s the weight where you’re healthiest (which I’d define as sick less often and with more energy, within the confines of what the drugs and the Fuckbrain permit) then definitely that’s where you should be.
mish wrote on 08/31/06 at 12:45 pm :
wonderful! I too have no clothes that fit me because they are all too big! Sadly, after 10 years I gave away all my cool clothes and now am looking forward to seeing a kmart or rainbow…..cheeep!
Kungfukitten wrote on 08/31/06 at 1:23 pm :
For cute cheap clothes check out Alloy.com I love their stuff. Be aware that they are teeny bopper sizes - I have to order a large in shirts to fit my 36Cs - read their sizing chart before ordering. I’ve gotten a lot of really cute stuff without breaking the bank. Plus, with my last order I got a free can of raspberry shaving cream!? I want to lick my legs while I’m shaving them.
Bozoette Mary wrote on 08/31/06 at 2:14 pm :
One of these days I will again weigh 160. I hope.
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Cosmic wrote on 08/31/06 at 6:12 pm :
If you feel good about yourself, to hell with what you weigh. I am 154 and need to lose about 25 pounds. You’ve seen me. You know how short I am. I look like the freakin Thanksgiving Butterball Turkey! I am happy you are feeling good. With all the other shit you have going one, it’s nice to know you feel good about something. Go you! I love you even if I can’t see your eyes because I only make up up to your friggin chin.
Pam wrote on 08/31/06 at 7:33 pm :
Jen! Congrats yo
I am 5′9″ and 175 and I want to lose about 30 - 50 more pounds. Doesn’t help that my bf is 6′2″ and weighs 150. jerk. Anyway, pics are here: http://fiercekitty.livejournal.com/186292.html Now you ahve to share yours!
caradawn wrote on 09/2/06 at 12:42 pm :
just wanted to say thanks for staying linked with diaryland … and congrats on feeling good about yourself!
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