They Call Me Yuck Mouth, ‘Cause I Don’t Brush.
September 21st, 2006 by Kevin
If you remember the song that correlates to that title, you’re old like me.
Was that a Schoolhouse Rock, or just a general PSA for kids?
Anyway, I was in church with the J-Man recently and my proud child had just come down from the balcony where had been singing in the choir.
“Hey, that was great,” I whispered, sotto voce, “You guys were awesome.”
“Thanks,” he replied, and to quote Vincent Price in Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, the funk of forty thousand years came blasting out of my kid’s face.
I don’t know what poor sorry-assed kid was sitting next to my child in the balcony, but I felt really, really badly for them, because they had probably become bald and horribly wrinkled in a very short amount of time.
I hissed at him as the pastor droned on.
“Oh my GOD. Close your MOUTH. Did you brush your teeth??”
“What?”“Your breath smells like someone DIED.”
“But I-”
“CLOSEYOURMOUTH. Oh my God, it’s like Shaq’s sweatsocks in there. On fire.”
“But-”
“PLEASE keep your mouth closed. GOD. You HAVE to brush for two minutes. TWO MINUTES. No rushing. Your teeth are going to rot and fall out of your head. It smells like you ate a dead squirrel.”
He turned to me with a piercing glare.
“You are slandering your own child.”
I pondered this fact for a moment, and then said, “I would rather slander you than allow you to grow up to be a gross human being. Ask Gramma if she has any mints.”
Slander. Sheesh.
Jer wrote on 09/21/06 at 7:19 am :
LOL the fact that he used the word slander correctly at a young age, just THRILLS me to no end, seriously as a former teacher, that’s great.
I know that song, it was a general PSA. “they call me yuck mouth, cuz I don’t brush, no I like my teeth like this….”
Deirdre-70 wrote on 09/21/06 at 7:19 am :
You just crack me the fuck up……….My husband thinks I am insane as I sit here laughing at the computer screen. Thanks for brightening my day!
ang wrote on 09/21/06 at 7:23 am :
I remember Yuck Mouth! BUT what about “When your ten gallon hat’s feelin’ five gallons flat. I hanker for a hunk of CHEESE!” I still sing that one every time I make tacos.
Also, I found a t-shirt for my husband (named Bill) that has the little singing document on it that says “I’m just a bill”
Schoolhouse Rocks!
Also, major, major kudos to the kid for using slander properly. You almost can’t be mad at him for not brushing very well.
trancejen wrote on 09/21/06 at 7:32 am :
HAHAHAHA Oh my GOD, I remember the cheese song, and that just made me laugh for about ten minutes straight.
Hooooooo…
trancejen wrote on 09/21/06 at 7:33 am :
And yeah, I can still be mad.
You didn’t smell the child.
Karen wrote on 09/21/06 at 7:54 am :
He’s at that age. I have two around there, neither will brush until I threaten. I did buy the wash that turns plaque blue so they can see whats “up in there”. It worked for a few days. No offense, I’ve got my own, but kids at that age are just…………..gross.
warcrygirl wrote on 09/21/06 at 8:38 am :
My kids had a real bad case of the flu and they both learned that GERMS make you sick. That helped The Captain learn to not crap in his pants (poop has GERMS) and now it helps them brush their teeth (GERMS make your teeth turn black and fall out). I also have taught my kids to brush their tongues. My husband thinks I’m nuts.
Jane wrote on 09/21/06 at 9:05 am :
Sometimes when little kids have really bad breath it means they have a sinus infection. But mostly…they’re nasty. My 13 year old won’t brush unless I force him.
Erika wrote on 09/21/06 at 12:21 pm :
I brush my 4-year old’s teeth, and he still smells like someone took a poop in his mouth. I forgot this morning and when I kissed him goodbye, I almost passed out. Holy shit, that stuff is rank!
Moxie wrote on 09/21/06 at 4:31 pm :
Smart Mouth.
Yes you heard me right. It is available at Walgreen’s for about 11 bucks for a months supply. My daughter’s breath smelled like Satan’s rectum no matter how much she brushed and rinsed etc…
That stuff is a miracle. She can eat onions and garlic and NO BAD BREATH. Im using the stuff and Im constantly asking people to sniff my breath.
Goodbye assbreath!
mish wrote on 09/21/06 at 5:13 pm :
that confirms it. your kid is a genius. slandering your own child - priceless
Crystal wrote on 09/22/06 at 8:33 am :
Hilarious. Purely fucking hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!
hj wrote on 09/22/06 at 7:22 pm :
Seriously funny stuff. Your best blog I think I’ve read. I’m sitting alone in a hotel room bored out of my mind, now I’m just laughing my ass off alone. But not bored anymore. Thank you.
Kelly wrote on 10/2/06 at 8:18 pm :
Okay, help me on this one. I cannot, cannot, I mean CANNOT, get C. (age 9) to wipe his butt after he poops. I spent 5 minutes last Thursday night trying to figure out who stepped in dog poop when we were coming home from dinner. I finally realized it was my child’s stanky @$$. HELP!
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