It’s Three AM…
September 22nd, 2006 by Kevin
…and you know what kind of entry that is.
(one that will more than likely be deleted in the morning.)
I hate being all honest and pensive and mushy and shit.
It reeks of girlyness.
Girliness? No, I think girlyness.
That is probably why I am so awful in relationships. My utter lack of girli(y)ness.
Or, rather, my tendency to hide my inner girli(y)ness unless I am A)intoxicated B)ensconced in a relationship with The Wrong Man.
Sigh.
I have a date this weekend.
I’m not really nervous about it because the man in question doesn’t really tweak my nerves in the bad way, but in some ways I feel that it is going to be the first and last date, and I think I have good reason to feel that way.
Obviously this is not a good feeling, heading into a first date.
I’m a good dater, though. Truly. I do have that sparkling wit going for me, even if my life is sort of… unconventional(freaking weird).
Is it pessimistic of me to assume that any dates I go on these days are going to lead nowhere rather quickly? I do sort of feel that way. I wonder, were I to meet my male counterpart, whether I would be forgiving of his jacked-up life.
If I were a normal, working, childless, healthy, not-living-in-my-mama’s-basement sort of person, you see.
I wonder whether I would be forgiving, and I think back to pre-Jen, old Jen, and somehow I doubt I would.
I like to think that I would, but I doubt I would.
It’s strange to think of a man being attracted to me, me as I am with all my foibles and fuck-ups and circumstances and things beyond my control at the moment.
I think how, how could you possibly look past all that?
How could you want me for anything other than sex?
Not that sex is a bad thing, mind you. I’m not opposed to sex. I’m not opposed to a casual relationship, really, because I feel that’s probably what I should be shooting for at this point in my life - it just looks bad in print.
It isn’t, though. It’s the closeness I desire without the fallacy, without going through the motions - without someone having to pretend that they can deal with all of my drama, all of my baggage, all of my bullshit.
I know that 99.9 percent of people can’t be expected to do so.
It’s enough, though. For now, for me, it’s enough.
Some girls spent their whole lives believing in Prince Charming and happily ever after and that one soulmate, that one true love that would fit, that would fill that empty space and make their life complete.
I suppose I grew up feeling as if no one could possibly ever understand me on that level, so I learned to be self-sufficient enough to do without, and to see relationships and dating as an accessory, not as an essential.
In a way I wish I could see love as an essential. Perhaps I could or will one day.
Right now it just seems very far away. It seems like a child’s fairy tale, something created to pacify the very young and the very naive.
I don’t mean to sound bitter. I’m not.
In my heart of hearts I have a whole lot of love. I love my friends and family fiercely. I love my son so much that it aches. I know that I have a capability to love intensely.
The male/female dynamic just eludes me. I find it so hard to understand. I tend to attract men who are very weak, men who are looking for a strong woman to mother them or comfort them, and that is the last thing that I want. I long for someone who is strong, someone who can be there for me just as much as I can be there for them.
Maybe one of these days I will understand.
God, this is getting schlocky.
Forgive my navel-gazing.
Happy Thursday. Goodnight.
dataslave wrote on 09/22/06 at 6:28 am :
Four hours later, and hasn’t been deleted. Enjoy the date, truly.
ang wrote on 09/22/06 at 7:43 am :
Wanna hear totally smoozy? I didn’t believe in any of that cinderella bullshit that was spoonfed to us girls from the cradle. I always *eagerly* anticipated living out my final years as the crazy cat lady. You know who I’m talking about. The one who brandishes her cane like a sword whenever the neighborhood kids accidentally toss their ball in my yard? With at least 50 cats. And a dark gray 2 story house, with cob webs and shit. THIS is the future I had mapped out for myself. Until, I clicked my heels together three times and met the yin to my yang. So I gave up my dreams of being a scary old woman to marry the world’s greatest man. Keep looking Jen. He’s out there.
Rabbitwister wrote on 09/22/06 at 9:21 am :
How could you want me for anything other than sex?
Let’s see, there are the SS checks. Oh, and also, if he were a reader of this diary, he would want you for your intellect, compassion, wit, love, large circle of friends, family commitment, inner strength, karaoke prowess, sexy eyes, and the fact that you are a minor celebrity on the intar-web.
Many have settled for so much less.
When you do allow someone back in your heart, they will be the fortunate one.
Rabbitwister wrote on 09/22/06 at 9:53 am :
i completely agree.
but most people think i am too young to be so jaded…
oh well…
dom wrote on 09/22/06 at 12:23 pm :
that was a 3am drunk post? wow, i don’t think i’d be able to get a coherent sentence together. but i think you’ve hit a nerve here with the psychoses of a lot of single people, myself included. i’m guessing it’ll just be like that until i find myself in a different situation, wherein i’ll have a whole new set of self-imposed LTR/marriage psychoses to deal with.
meno wrote on 09/22/06 at 1:08 pm :
I don’t believe in all that Cinderella shit either. I think believing in that stuff is harmful. It interferes with our ability to get real about what a relationship will be.
mish wrote on 09/22/06 at 3:54 pm :
good luck but you have great stuff to offer. A great personality, awesome sense of humor, and it comes in a really pretty package. If they get to met J-man, they would be and idiot not to want to stick around. At least you get to know who is worth your time sooner than later, same comes to dealing w/ your health problems. that will surely weed out the weak ones who want another mommy. I dont think there is “the right man”, but i think there are good men. Casual relationships are great too.
Bozoette Mary wrote on 09/23/06 at 5:20 pm :
There is no Cinderella. There is, though, friendship that can catch fire. Here’s hoping something starts to smolder for you.
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