Daddy’s Girl.
September 26th, 2006 by Kevin
I wake up groggy, on the floor, wedged between the wooden coffee table and the microsuede couch; to the sound of my father’s voice. “Jen. Jen.”
He is across the room and does not come near me. I have noticed that a lot of people seem iffy about touching me since I have been sick - even though I have been sick for going on six years - as if I will break or bleed or burst or perhaps leak droplets of whatever it is I have onto their person.
Sometimes ignorance is stunning.
I don’t think my father ever touched me much to begin with. He hugs his friends, but to me he waves hello and goodbye. We were not a touchy family. This is why I hug and kiss my son - because I never want him to be starved for that kind of warmth.
I wake up and throw up on the carpet, head pounding, and my father asks me where the butane lighter is. He is lighting the pilot light in the furnace.
I can’t talk yet.
“Well, I have to go, then,” he says, and I hold up my hand. Stop.
“It’s in the basement on a shelf,” I croak. “I can’t get up.”
He goes into the basement and tinkers while I lie on the floor and hold my head, which wants to pop right off of my neck like an overripe grape from its stem.
I know that I scare him like this, and I know he wants to be out of my house so badly right now that he itches, but I really don’t give a fuck.
Does he think that I don’t scare myself?
I pull myself up onto the couch and lie back, feeling my brain sink into my head and my stomach drop, and I close my eyes. A few minutes later he returns.
“Well, that’s done. I’d better go.”
“Sure, Dad. Thanks.”
He leaves, and I clean up the vomit from the floor and myself and drink some Gatorade and take my blood pressure.
The cardiologist calls to let me know he has to change my medication again, since the other one would have reacted badly with my other medications. He stops and asks how I’m feeling, and his voice, tinged with just a hint of Spain, is genuinely kind.
I find my eyes filling with tears as I tell him that I’m fine.
I know my father loves me. I’m not casting him as the villain. I never could.
He just doesn’t know how to love me, and I wish that he did.
Rabbitwister wrote on 09/26/06 at 8:29 am :
My wish is that your wish comes true one day.
Jer wrote on 09/26/06 at 9:09 am :
I heard this song on the radio yesterday and I think it’s fitting for this post.
I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you’re faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin’ till you find the window,
if it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
More than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God’s grace, in every mistake,
and you always give more than you take.
But More than anything, Yeah, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too
yeah, this, is my wish
My father too, loves me, but doesn’t know HOW to love me.
dataslave wrote on 09/26/06 at 5:50 pm :
in the faith i have for fathers that will do anything for their kids but show them they love them, i’m sure he wishes he could, and in the worst of times, it tears him up that he can’t.
Kelly wrote on 10/2/06 at 8:37 pm :
Ditto on all that stuff…my father is the same way. I know he loves me but he doesn’t know how to love me. Jer, what song is that?
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The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
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