Archive for September, 2006
Imelda Marcos Had Nothin’ On Me.
Thursday, September 14th, 2006Five pairs of shoes for one weekend.
When you do the math, it obviously works out to make abso-fucking-lutely no sense whatsoever.
Still, I just can’t put any of them back, and I’m actually considering adding another pair.
I need help.
Also a porter.
People look at you as if you are probably some sort of dipshit when you’re brandishing […]
I Have Shineth My Boogie Shoes.
Thursday, September 14th, 2006So this weekend I have friends coming into town, and I am so excited that I could pretty much just pee.
While I am sure that I come across as a very cool, calm, and collected individual who is hip and happening and has no shortage of company and wild, lascivious evenings and friends with whom […]
This Should Be Noted:
Thursday, September 14th, 2006If I continue to wake up at five AM I am going to have to kill somebody.
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Karma’s a Bitch…
Wednesday, September 13th, 2006Because I got all righteous in that last post, I had a horrible, horrible dream about the giant, terrifying, grossly swollen, bloody, disembodied head of Brad Pitt talking to me from my open closet.
I think Chuck Palahniuk would have approved.
I woke up literally shaking. You wouldn’t think that a Brad Pitt dream would leave […]
Letter To Tom Cruise.
Tuesday, September 12th, 2006Dear Tom Cruise,
I would like to sincerely thank you for being a cuckoopants, Scientologistic, Dawson’s-Creek-bitch-marrying, baby-hiding , couch-leaping, Matt-Lauer-tormenting, nutjobby asshat.
You see, I used to be one of those people that actually gave a fluttering fart what celebrities did with their free time. I read US Weekly when at the doctor’s office. I […]
Fun New Toy. Talk To Me.
Monday, September 11th, 2006In the interest of self-distraction, gots me a fun new toy. Now you can hear me, and I can hear you.
Go ahead and leave a voice message in the comments. Get your kids to leave messages. Your dog, even.
See? Fun for the whole family.
(PS - You phone messages in. No […]
Hisssssssssss.
Sunday, September 10th, 2006I take my blood pressure all the time now. Every time I hear the little rubber bulb hissing out its breath I feel like I am concurrently breathing out a sigh of relief that I am still upright.
This is bothering me.
For some reason this is bothering me more than the Fuckbrain because while I […]
Broken-hearted.
Thursday, September 7th, 2006I’m just pissed, I guess. And it’s not the end of the world, and it’s not like I’m about to drop dead (although come to find out, if the seizures I’ve been having are not “true” seizures, then I’ve been dangerously near heart failure), but it’s just too fucking much.
I will be away from the […]
Maybe Your Body Is A Wonderland, But Mine’s A Fucking Madhouse.
Thursday, September 7th, 2006So much for nothing being wrong with my heart.
The other heart tests came back negative, so I don’t quite understand this bullshit.
Today’s tilt table test came out immediately positive, my blood pressure dropping rapidly from 120/80 to 85/80 to 70/50 to “we’re not getting a reading - oh, there she goes.”
Apparently I have a heart […]
EEGee, That Was Fun!
Wednesday, September 6th, 2006So today was EEG day.
Last night I was directed not to eat or drink anything after midnight, and then to sleep from midnight until four AM only. They were very specific about this sleep schedule thing. Midnight till four ONLY! No nodding off at eleven-thirty, brain patient!! No sneaking that extra half hour in the […]
