I Won’t Even Play The Game.
October 26th, 2006 by Kevin
I am generally horrified by every variety of insect and arachnid available, but the thing that freaks me out above all other is the centipede.Nothing else looks quite as threatening and evil to me - all spindly legs and antennae and long, horrible body just waiting to slither up one’s leg while one sleeps and do God knows what.
During the past few months we at Chez Trance have had an infestation of the disgusting, unspeakable beasts; and since they only seem to come out during the wee small hours of the night when I do not feel justified waking anyone else up, I am forced to deal with them myself.
Squashing them with a Kleenex or paper towel is completely out of the question, as there is no way my hand is going anywhere near anything that moves seventy miles per hour and could possibly crawl up my arm.
I also will not go near them with a shoe, particularly since most of them are half the length of my shoes.
Even the Swiffer, with its wonderful bug-squishing properties, is not quite strong enough to deal with the great Swollen Basement Centipede, who must be feeding upon rogue, dryer-spewed socks. I have to attack them with the broom.
Smacking them sideways with the broom is not enough. They must be punched with the bristly end of the broom, head-on, as if one was jousting. I prefer to attack quickly and angrily as if I was Mel Gibson angling for a Jew as William Wallace, sometimes even screaming a harsh battle cry.
The other night I almost could not bring myself to use the broom, so huge was my opponent. The creature must have been a full five inches long and two inches wide, if you count its legs (which I always do).
It sat on the wall above a plastic tote full of my shoes, waiting, almost daring me to go for it.
I stood next to the treadmill, paralyzed with fear, waiting for it to run away at the speed of light (where it would almost certainly hide under the toilet and re-emerge at three AM during a midnight bathroom trip to scare me shitless) or to suddenly flash a mouthful of large pointy teeth.
We eyed each other with hatred.
Finally I grabbed the broom and jabbed, grunting.
I missed.
It dashed across the wall, causing my spine to shiver madly.
I jabbed again and again, missing and swearing and missing and swearing as the cats gathered on the basement landing to watch me fence with the wall.
Fuuuuuuuck.
Finally it stopped for a breath in the corner and I smashed it to bits, hands shaking, teeth grinding together, arms aching from beating the broom into the concrete wall.
Suddenly aware of a presence behind me, I looked up and saw my mother staring at me quizzically, shadowed by my son.
“It’s OK now. You can go back to sleep,” I said grandly, and headed back downstairs from the landing.
I heard my son’s voice in the hallway as he meandered back to bed. “She’s nuts.”
No one appreciates the lengths I go to to protect this family.
Kelly wrote on 10/26/06 at 11:42 am :
Oh my god!!! This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!
Amy wrote on 10/26/06 at 11:53 am :
We too have been infested with the horride centipedes. Hate!
dom wrote on 10/26/06 at 1:21 pm :
ick. this gave me the shivers. even the old centipede arcade game slightly skeeves me out. someone should make a centipede horror movie. just 2 hours of the nasty suckers crawling over feet and arms. people would run out screaming. and you would be the movie’s heroine with a broom and balls of steel.
trancejen wrote on 10/26/06 at 3:19 pm :
I could never, never watch it.
golfwidow wrote on 10/27/06 at 8:59 am :
I am so afraid of the centipedes. That is just way too many legs to not be able to be steamed and served with lemon and drawn butter.
On the other hand (foot), I like this joke.
Kid: Wanna come play?
Centipede: Sure.
(an hour later)
Kid: I thought you were gonna come play.
Centipede: Hang on! I’m still putting on my sneakers!
christine wrote on 10/27/06 at 8:27 pm :
Watch out….these things have been known to hide in the bristles of the attacking broom, and then wobble out, swiftly still, somehow, with missing legs and evil intent.
And they bite.
I’d recommend the flat end of a swiffer.
Kari wrote on 10/28/06 at 5:40 pm :
God Jen, you gave me the heaves just reading that. I hate centipedes almost as much as spiders. Blargh.
trancejen wrote on 10/30/06 at 11:49 am :
Way to FLIP ME COMPLETELY OUT, CHRISTINE!!!!!!!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
christine wrote on 10/31/06 at 11:03 am :
Better to hear about than experience, believe me.
Get thee a swiffer.
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