Dope Man.
November 15th, 2006 by Kevin
“Hey Mr. Dope Man, you think you’re slick,
You sold crack to my sister, and now she’s sick,
If she happens to die because of your drug,
I’m putting in your culo, a .38 slug.
- “Dope Man”, NWA
There’s a small dope house kitty-corner from Chez Trance. I’m assuming it’s not a crack house because the folks going in and out don’t have that wild-eyed, manic, I-will-eat-your-baby look about them.
Out front there is ample parking, but the dope dealer within must be asking his patrons to keep it on the down-low, because for some reason, these fuckers keep parking in front of my house and also the house across the street. They then shiftily amble over to the dope house, looking as shady as small-time dope purchasers should look.
While walking to the mailbox one day, I discovered that some of them have prison tattoos. Nice. I like a nice teardrop-on-the-face tattoo. Classy. Those knuckle tattoos are great, too, and really say “I’ve been fucked in the ass by a large man named Bubba”.
I love art that speaks to me.
So the local dope man is generally doing a booming business and mostly caters to the Hispanic population; folks who like to roll up listening to extremely loud mariachi music. Mariachi music also blasts from the dope house frequently and sometimes makes the J-Man momentarily break into a small ass-shaking dance, making me fear that he will one day be drawn to the house due to its fun music, like one of the Pied Piper’s recruits.
It’s his Latino heritage, you see.
This is the sort of thing that makes me invest, invest, invest, because when I move, I am going to leave this neighborhood so fast there are going to be skidmarks.
Although they don’t seem particularly dangerous, I am not happy about these Mexi-stoners parking in front of my house, largely because I am not selling the dope, so I should not be providing the parking. I would like to erect a sign: NO POTHEAD PARKING, CHEZ TRANCE PARKING ONLY; or at the very least: 15 MINUTE PARKING FOR STONERS, VIOLATORS WILL BE TOWED.
Or, if I am to provide parking for these dope fiends, let me then receive a cut of the profits. I’m sure that Jorge is making fat bank over there in his little casa, why not kick a few bucks over here to the gringa? I would rent out my driveway for a few greenbacks. Hell, I might even wash a few cars, put in some of those little tree air-fresheners to get rid of that nasty stale pot odor, clean things up a bit.
I know that they park down the street so as not to appear obvious to the police (who are never around) that illegal activities are afoot. Give me a Godalmighty break.
I’ve called the fuzz on the stoners myriad times for breaking the sound barrier with the music (I am Officially an Old Bitch) at two and three AM, and nothing has come to pass. I’m sure that even if Jorge and the boys were running a nine-million-dollar meth lab over in the joint, not much would be said unless they blew off the roof.
To get arrested in this neighborhood, you pretty much have to either kill someone or run down the street naked with your hair on fire while holding a cop’s baby in one hand and a machete in the other.
Even then, the murder’s negotiable.
I’m thinking of placing flyers on the cars while their owners are in the dope house - plain white sheets of paper that have only one sentence, right across the middle: I’M WATCHING YOU.
I think it might prove to be rather effective. Doesn’t pot make a person paranoid anyway?
My corner is a hotbed of activity to begin with due to the fact that it’s a high school bus stop, and there is also a constantly-blown, four-way stop sign where I’m convinced a child is going to get splattered all over the street one of these days.
My dream is to hide behind the bushes with a bag of bricks and lam one at every car that doesn’t stop at the sign. This would be more fun than performing shock treatments on Kevin Federline.
I should totally attend those city crime watch meetings, because I have excellent ideas for cleaning up this town.
Happy Wednesday.
Tracy wrote on 11/15/06 at 8:02 pm :
We live in quite the drug infested neighborhood right now–the new thing around here is that some people will rent out their backyards so that the dealers have “store front” from which to sell their goods. Isn’t that a happy thought?
Tallguy wrote on 11/15/06 at 8:47 pm :
We moved out of our doper neighborhood a couple years ago. The pushers took a personal dislike to us after we called the cops a few times. I think the only reason we got the police response we did was because our kid played with the police captain’s kid at the neighborhood watch meetings. Now, no more car stereos, no more sketchy characters wandering around, no more loaded shotgun next to the bed. I wouldn’t go back to that for love nor money. As with all else Jen, I wish you luck.
Kungfukitten wrote on 11/15/06 at 9:24 pm :
I like the idea of a mini detailing business. You could make some serious bucks. However, messing with people is so much more fun. I recommend you design some fake business cards that say Detective Trance on them and print the local FBI phone number on it then leave it under their windshields with a handwritten note on the back that says “We really need to interview you, please call ASAP.” That would pranoia (verb?) the heck out of them. I doubt they’d come back. Heh heh. I love messing with people’s heads.
dataslave wrote on 11/16/06 at 4:57 am :
It appears your local cops are on the take. Nothing else explains it.
clahnamom wrote on 11/16/06 at 6:28 am :
Ha! I love some of your ideas. Our young pharmaceutical entrepreneurs were too smart to use their own houses. They kept stashes in other peoples homes and had a drive-through service for their customers. They were really quite professional too…always on time. Their hours were 3:30 (to catch the after-school crowd) to 11:30 (because don’t you know that it’s important to your business model that you get enough sleep).
As for your problem with cars that don’t stop…might I suggest a web cam to monitor the corner and a catapult in your back yard. Nobody will ever figure out where the projectile came from.
Bozoette Mary wrote on 11/16/06 at 9:09 am :
Just make they ain’t watchin’ you while you do it.
Kristina wrote on 11/17/06 at 4:02 pm :
No, don’t retaliate. Please, don’t. A 90-year-old grandmother and 4 of her grandkids woke up to their house on fire- the local dealer was pissed because she’d been calling the cops. It was the public outcry that prompted a neighborhood raid- not the extremely obvious evidence of a roaring drug trade in the neighborhood.
Dan L wrote on 11/18/06 at 1:58 pm :
Don’t mess with the customers. They’re not like
you, and won’t react the way you would to mind
tweaking with flyers and business cards. Think
about “impulse control problems” and “firearms”.
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