Not Just Your Garden-Variety Mini-Smartass.
November 21st, 2006 by Kevin
My child is fast becoming a serious smartass, and I need to do something about it.
It is a natural thing that a smartass should beget a smartass, and since there have been many, many generations of smartasses in my family, the level of smartassery in my household is near-toxic. Still, I am prone to blanch at smartassery from children, particularly my own, even moreso when it is biting; and lately it is quite biting.
I am what you might call a friendly smartass, in that my comments are quick but generally not intended to maim. My mother and I volley quips like the seasoned professionals we are and we enjoy this very much.
My son, however, being an amateur smartass, does not understand the nuances of the art form. He does not yet grasp the subtle undertones that make the dance of the smartass so very fun and charming.
God forbid he should misunderstand the dahnce.
As a result, he often comes across as rather rude at home. He is savvy enough to know not to test his smartass remarks out on strangers or casual acquaintances or people at school, but he lets his stinging little zingers fly toward close friends and family without a second thought.
Hurt feelings often result. There is a difference between an eye-roll with a playful wink and an eyeroll that looks as if the giver cannot possibly stand to be in the recipient’s presence for one more second without dropping dead to the floor in a state of pure, unadulterated disgust.
There is also a difference between jovially giving someone shit and blasting snotty little asides at every given opportunity.
He doesn’t do this to me because he’s well aware that I would sell him on eBay within a matter of days, but he has been tossing a few choice remarks my mother’s way, and he’s been absolutely merciless toward my stepdad.
This is not what I would would call a pleasant character development, and I am probably largely responsible; unless this is just one of those general eight-year-old things that kids do to drive one completely fucking over the edge because they can.
Perhaps this is how he interprets the interactions between my mother and I. If that’s the case, we need to seriously de-sassisfy our mouths in this house, because his attitude of Mr. Would-Be-Mini-Wit is becoming absolutely grating.
That, and I’m about to take a shoe to his head.
I kid. Just a spatula.
As it stands, the child is going to be writing “I will not have a snotty attitude” from now until roughly New Year’s, and we are having Talks about what is Nice and what is Not, and what is Amusing and what is Decidedly Shitty.
I’ve discovered it’s pretty tough to draw that line.
Given the fact that I routinely greet my friends with, “Hey, Fucker,” when I go out to the karaoke bar, perhaps I need to adjust my mouth as well.
I don’t talk like that at home, but maybe I’m a little saltier than I should be. My kid isn’t a mean kid, but he’s far more sarcastic than any eight-year-old has a right to be, and I don’t want him traveling down that road and winding up the kind of kid that is constantly running off his mouth and consequently getting his ass kicked.
So this week, we’re working on talking nicely. How are you? I am great, too. It’s good to hear that! Nice shirt! I like your style. I’m being totally sincere. Swear.
It’s going to be a long week.
Happy Tuesday.
dom wrote on 11/21/06 at 1:24 pm :
I would expect nothing less than a hilariously caustic wit from the fruit of TranceLoins. But kudos on being the kind of caring parent that curtails personality problems before they get out of control. If only all parents were so TranceParent.
Amy wrote on 11/21/06 at 1:29 pm :
It’s normal for kids to parrot what they hear. I remember nannying for a family and their 6 year old was a HUGE Full House fan. That little Michelle may have been cute, but she was sassy and the 6-year old LOVED to parrot her back to me and her parents. We had to have several talks about appropriate conversations.
Mish wrote on 11/21/06 at 3:00 pm :
its nice that he picks up on his family though. I too love sarcasm, but my husband hates it
Good luck on teaching J-man the correct use of sarcasm. I think it also takes some serious intelligence to be at all sarcastic at such a young age even though he doesnt quite grasp it. My general rule - if its true, you should not be sarcastic about it. Wow - i break that rule all the time…. i feel like a mean sarcastica 
Nightowl wrote on 11/21/06 at 4:42 pm :
So an out there question. Do you live with both your mom and stepdad? Or just your mom. And I know you see your regular dad, but you hardly ever talk about your stepdad, so now I’m (and I’m sure some of your regular readers) are confused.
Anyway, I too have a child, a nine year old to be exact. He too has starting mastering the art of sarcasm, with the vocabulary of a college student. I blame it on video games and television. But it is understood the line he shalt not cross, less his mother beat with a wooden spoon him and sell him to gypsies. (I kid, I would never “beat” him.)
The line is, you don’t hure other peoples feelings. It may sound funny, but if you think it will hurt them then you keep your mouth shut. He has learned well, my little apprentice.
trancejen wrote on 11/21/06 at 7:53 pm :
I just live with my mom and my son. My stepdad comes over on the weekends. My mom moved out of their house in order to move in with me and help out as I got sicker a couple of years ago, among other reasons. Long, convoluted story.
Anne wrote on 11/21/06 at 9:45 pm :
Oh, can I relate! My oldest, fortunately, has a grasp of what’s correct, and what’s not. And she doesn’t sass to strangers. But my 6 yr old? Omg, parrot of the worst kind. And used correctly, but inappropriately. Here’s to you kid!
mo from ne wrote on 11/22/06 at 12:21 am :
It’s tough to get the snark out of the kid if it’s genetic. The middle school years were the worst. Many of my son’s teachers admired his intelligence and wit but some of them were less than thrilled with his cynicism and sarcasm. Things are better now despite my son’s penchant for judging people based on their vocabularies.
Good luck with all of this. You are doing a good job as a parent by recognizing these things and implementing measures to improve the situation.
dataslave wrote on 11/22/06 at 7:55 am :
This is normal, this is regular, this shows he’s developing well. This also leads to thoughts of locking him in a closet until he’s 25 or so. He’ll grow out of it….maybe.
torchwood wrote on 11/23/06 at 10:24 am :
It means he is smart. Sarcasm usually becomes more common during adolescence.
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