Headspace.
November 22nd, 2006 by Kevin
One of my problems (and isn’t it all about my fucking problems?) is a serious lack of the ability to calm the fuck down.
My mind is usually going a hundred miles per minute, and sometimes it just gets to be overwhelming. I am inundated with messages from my brain, I am generally in some type of pain from my jacked-up body; I want out.
I think that this particular state of being is why a lot of people use drugs or use alcohol to excess. I can certainly confirm that this has been the case for me in the past, and why I sometimes still drink more than I should during those altogether-too-rare occasions in which I get my ass out of the house.
I find it unspeakably hard to chill.
During the course of my life I have coped with this situation in a number of fucked-up ways that were not particularly inventive; including developing a multifaceted eating disorder that would eventually span over twenty years, self-harm, taking illegal substances in order to “drop out”, becoming enmeshed in other people’s bullshit so as to pointedly avoid my own, becoming enmeshed in bad relationships so as to find something shitty enough for my low self-esteem but effectively easier to deal with than dealing with me, and staying compulsively busy every single moment so that I didn’t have to think, ever.
Obviously these things were slightly counterproductive, except for maybe the last one, which really did enable me to get a hell of a lot of pretty neat craft projects done and ensured that my house was always sparkling clean.
Now that I am all therapized and anti-depressed and a bastion of perfect mental health (I will pause here to allow you to recover from your fits of hysterical laughter), I must find other ways to deal with this keyed-up state.
I read a lot, usually a book per day. This helps to soothe the savage beast that is my brain. I also write, as you may have noticed. Lately, though, insomnia is stealthily creeping back into my life - slowly, in fifteen-minute increments so that I almost don’t notice that I’m staying up later every night - and I find myself tweaking, tweaking.
The sleeping pills I was given are almost making things worse, because all they do is relax my subconscious and give my mind license to roam all sorts of places I’d really rather it not roam, making me feel even more tweaky.
I used to practice yoga at night, but I find it practically impossible at this point with the state of my back, and I am not the sort of person who can meditate. If I could clear my mind enough to meditate, I wouldn’t fucking need to meditate.
It’s difficult not to fall back on old, destructive-yet-oddly-comforting behaviors, particularly so when I can’t just up and leave the house.
One thing I sorely miss is the ability to just go for a nice, long drive.
I suppose people who have never known self-injurious behavior or eating disorder drama find it very easy to look at such behavior as attention-seeking or juvenile or insane, and I’m aware that most people do. I’ve looked at both in the same way myself from time to time.
The fact remains, though, that when you’re used to a certain security blanket - even though it may be full of broken glass and rusty staples and even though it may be ripped and dirty and smell like absolute fucking hell - you’re going to continue to reach for it time and time again until you come up with something better.
I am always working toward piecing together a better security blanket. Some nights what I have built is enough. Some nights I fall short and find myself floundering a little.
I know that these are things I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life. I know I’m getting better. I’m a fuck of a lot better with this stuff than I was five years ago, or even two.
My brain has cabin fever, though. I am so, so restless.
Here’s to a happy Turkey Day. Enjoy. With cranberries.
And not that nasty shit that comes out of the can all in one jellied chunk, either.
Cruel Irony wrote on 11/22/06 at 3:56 pm :
I hope you have a great Turkey Day! Ironically, a day which celebrates eating more than any other holiday. Still, I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.
mo from ne wrote on 11/22/06 at 4:35 pm :
I have this struggled with the same problem of not being able to be calm my whole life. I am lucky I have a job that requires high energy so that helps. My inablity to soothe myself has managed to manifested itself in some of the same ways…drinking to excess, using food as a drug, getting involved with people who have an insane amount of drama in their lives.
I was teary eyed at your description of the security blanket. You are a wonderful writer.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. Be patient and kind to yourself because you deserve it.
lisa-marie wrote on 11/22/06 at 6:22 pm :
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, Jen! I’ll try to send sleepy thoughts your way, as I’ve been damned exhausted lately!
Steven Novak wrote on 11/22/06 at 7:30 pm :
“I find it unspeakably hard to chill.”
You know Jen…I hear they make a pill for people with this problem.
Steve~
Kungfukitten wrote on 11/22/06 at 8:21 pm :
Re: Yoga, try doing just the standing poses. (Personally, I don’t like the standing poses as much) But they are easy on the back and build the muscles around your middle quickly. Also the inverted poses are pretty easy on the back if you don’t have neck problems (handstands, headstands, shoulderstand and do scorpion but keep your back fairly straight - think of it more as a pose to strengthen your rotator cuffs rather than to touch your toes to the back of your head). Like I’ll ever do that either, but you know what I mean.
J wrote on 11/23/06 at 8:07 am :
Happy Thanksgiving Jen!
Uh… yeah thats all I have right now. I’d try suggesting that you try to relax, but I get the feeling that would be like telling a guy on fire to just sit down and have a nice cold Zima.
So… Happy Thanksgiving Jen!
(and thats that)
J
J wrote on 11/23/06 at 10:15 am :
…and as a Thanksgiving treat I just nominated you for Best Individual Blog in the 2006 Weblog Awards.
http://2006.weblogawards.org/
I’m not leaving that url there so that everyone can go over and participate… I just thought it looked pretty.
MAC wrote on 11/24/06 at 10:54 am :
OMG, you’re in my head….. I am so very much alike in how I deal (or rather, choose not to deal), that it scares me. I cling to that nasty type of security blanket you describe. The whole thing in general sucks, but thank you for reminding me that I am not alone.
Happy belated Turkey Day!
carl wrote on 11/24/06 at 11:34 pm :
Heh, I love that chunky cranberry shit that comes out of the can! LOL was practically raised on that shit! well for Thanks giving and Xmas anyways…
Also the meditative thing is hard! I have a hard time just sitting still for 5 minutes…and would be a hipocrite if I were to say to keep trying when I don’t do it consistently enough either…but from what I understand …the idea of clearing ones mind for meditation is not correct…the idea is to practice letting go of all the shit that passes through your brain…while meditating you just notice it as it comes up…and then let it go…and get back to just breathing in and out…it supose to help you not get so hooked on your thoughts and to actually believe everything that passes through the brain…as 99% of it is just nonsense anyways seems so simple! but it is fucking hard!
But I keep trying and they say even 5 minutes a day can do wonders…so they say…
carry on! Good luck with your 8 year old…I think it is natural for an 8 year old to test the boundaries and experiment with scarasm etc…he will know from your reactions and others what is acceptable…hopefully heheheh
Jen wrote on 11/25/06 at 12:43 am :
Hey Jen - I too have been on Topomax for 3 years now. You’ve got my mind spinning now about some things and I’ve got many questions for you if you wouldn’t mind engaging in an email conversation with me. Hit me up when you have some time. Hope you’re feeling better. Lord knows I’m not but you always ALWAYS put me in check. Have a good weekend.
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