I Am A Slacker, But I’m Warm.
December 13th, 2006 by Kevin
I can’t bring myself to get motivated for Christmas preparations until I’m down to the wire and have to start going absolutely flutter-fuck crazy. I have not baked a single cookie. I have not finished shopping. I have not produced jack shit. I am tired, and I feel like baking about as much as I feel like running down the street naked singing “Fuck The Police” at the top of my lungs.
Although now that I give it some thought, that would be pretty fun. I’ll have to file that away under “Things To Do While Drunk In Green Bay”.
(Green Bay is the town in which I cut loose. Something about that Wisconsin air does bad things to me.)
My family, being insane, is having their Christmas party on Saturday, and I have nothing done.
I will give you a dollar if you come over to my house and kick me in the ass so that I get moving.
I will give you two dollars if you steal my modem. I might also give you a hand job. The computer box is the source of a good deal of my slackage.
I’m sure you none of you reading know anything about that particular phenomenon.
Last night I passed out on the couch at seven o’clock. My mom blessedly, thankfully allowed me to sleep and put the J-Man to bed, and I woke up to this note:
Dear Mom:
Please give me when I get home from school tomorrow the other Calvin and Hobbes book.
Love:
The Calvin and Hobbes fan, your son J.
Stuff like that just tickles me to no end, bad phrasing notwithstanding.
I looked online for a stuffed Hobbes because I thought it would make a great Christmas gift, only to find out that Bill Watterson, his creator, was against any form of merchandising other than the books. He put the kibosh on any clothing, dolls, or toys (also those stupid fucking little Calvin-peeing stickers, I’d imagine).
On one hand I respect his principles immensely, but on the other hand it would have been nice, and the capitalist pig in me thinks he’s insane because he would have made a shit-ton of money.
Thankfully not everyone is me.
It’s pretty fucking cold out. Chicago doesn’t mess around with the cold and the wind and the mercilessness.
I have written before about the insane-ass children that populate the bus stop on the corner and their propensity toward coatlessness, but I’d always written this off as just another stupid adolescent trend, or some ignorant fit of hormonal vanity.
Now I’m not so sure.
A little boy down the street comes over about three days a week - let’s call him Jorge. Jorge is seven and weighs roughly twelve pounds.
He can do The Worm astonishingly well because he is so skinny and flexible, and he often entertains us with his mad skillz. He could probably fit in between my couch cushions. I never mind feeding the kid because he eats less than one of my cats. He has a teeny little voice that is cute and sort of funny.
He absolutely never, ever wears a fucking coat. Never. Not even when it’s raining.
I don’t know what his mother’s deal is, this woman who lets this tiny little wraith out of the house without decent clothes on, but if spoke any English whatsoever I’d probably ask her. As it stands, we just smile and nod feverishly at each other like assholes when she comes to collect Jorge, and sometimes I act out being a Very Cold Person.
“Brrr! Cold! Chilly outside! Ooh! Colllld! Wow. You really have no fucking idea what I’m saying! I’m an ass! But it sure is freezing! Yeah. Bye, Jorge.”
She probably goes home and says, “Mijo, what the hell was that silly-ass gringa blabbering about? Dios mio.”
They’re certainly not poor. The kid is far more well-dressed than I am. It isn’t just Jorge that’s going without, though - it’s half the damned neighborhood.
I don’t know whether people are simply not able to afford winter coats (and somehow I highly doubt it, given the proliferation of expensive sneakers that abounds) or whether the folks of the ‘hood are just developing thicker skins, but heavy coats seem to have become passe.
I’d walk outside in my bare feet before I’d go coatless in this weather. I would possibly even give up mascara.
At the therapist’s office yesterday, a guy walked in rubbing his hands together and shaking his head.
“Cold as a motherfucker!” he said, blatantly ignoring the No Profanity In The Waiting Room sign posted for any patient who might be feeling the urge to Act Out.
“I know that’s right,” I agreed. “Where’s your coat?” He had on a flimsy-looking hoodie.
“I never wear no damned coat,” he replied. “Probably going to get my ass sick.”
“Fuck that,” I said. “Too cold for me.”
“You smart.”
“I’m warm.”
My seventy-odd-year-old neighbor came to pick me up wearing a spring jacket.
“What are you wearing?!”
“A jacket.”
“You’re going to get pneumonia!”
“Ah, I’m never cold. You want the heat on?”
“No, but aren’t you freezing?”
“Nah.”
“You’re as bad as these kids at the bus stop.”
“Oh God, those kids never have coats on.”
My room is in a basement. By January, if you don’t have a space heater cranking, you can see your breath down there. Maybe I just appreciate warmth more than the average person as a result of my frigid living space.
I’m ready to start walking the streets and preaching at these people like some kind of buttinski Street Mom.
“Coats!! Where the hell are your coats?! What would your mama say?! Go back inside right now and put on a damn coat!! I’ll wait.
Ridiculous is what that is.
Happy Wednesday.
mish wrote on 12/13/06 at 12:52 pm :
so its that cold…snow on the ground also? winter clothes are very bulky and always overpack or underpack….scared of jumping from miami to chicago - winter is always better when you get to cool up along with it. just being dropped off in it sucks ass.
Amy wrote on 12/13/06 at 2:13 pm :
I live in Minneapolis and work with dozens of dumb ass adults that never wear coats either. When leaving work and standing at the elevator, I will ask them where their coat is and they usually shrug and say, “I go from my garage at work to my garage at home and don’t really need one.” Really? And what if your car broke down on I94 on the way home you stupid idiot! No wonder the kids aren’t wearing coats, the adults are teaching them not to.
Rabbitwister wrote on 12/13/06 at 2:21 pm :
So, what room is your modem in?
Katie wrote on 12/13/06 at 3:22 pm :
I’m a girl and from Memphis. It’ll take me 8 hours to get there…cool?
Bozoette Mary wrote on 12/13/06 at 3:31 pm :
Okay, so! We must introduce Bullshit and Joe to each other in Green Bay AND THEN we can escape and cut loose. Deal?
Jen the ex Radiator Lady wrote on 12/13/06 at 3:56 pm :
I’m the sort of person who is rarely comfortable in temperature. My husband (one year anniversary was 2 days ago! If I could find your email, I’d write you all about the amazing fucking meal we had at Mastro’s in Beverly Hills that we couldn’t afford, but enjoyed the shit out of nonetheless) gets very aggrivated with this fact. I’m either hot, or I’m cold. And in either case, I’m not happy. When I’m hot, I can’t wait to remember what it feels like to be cold. When I’m cold, I wonder what the fuck was wrong with me when I could see the sun. I try to regulate my temperature to a degree I’m comfortable with by… well, by doing a weird thing with my feet. My weird foot thing, everyone calls it. I lick them. Technically, I usually lick my hand and then apply it to one foot. Then I rub my feet together in the hopes of finding the perfect degree of moistness. If I rub too hard or too long and my feet get sweaty, that’s no good. It must be a moistness level I contol. If I hit it, I’m the PERFECT temperature, for however long it lasts. Socks also help a great deal in my quest for temperature regulation. If I’m too cold, I put the socks on to get the feet to a warm enough temp that the licking might actually produce moistness. If I’m too sweaty, the socks help dry the feet out. All of this works pretty okay in most scenarios. There are two scenarios that I can do nothing about, however, and that’s when I’m truly miserable. Summer here in L.A. - doesn’t matter what I do, I’m a sweaty mess, and I hate it. And winter-time up in the bay area where my in-laws live. We’ll be going up there soon for Christmas, and I’m bringing my goddamn space heater, though it won’t be nearly good enough. I have made my feet red and raw up there, trying to rub them together enough to create ANY degree of moistness, but it’s just too cold. And I can’t get UN-COLD without the foot moistness. Sigh. Was this too much information for a comment? I fear it was too much for anywhere. Merry Christmas to all.
Loob wrote on 12/13/06 at 5:52 pm :
I really really miss the cold American Christmases.
Especially the snowy ones.
Weetabix wrote on 12/13/06 at 8:39 pm :
Green Bay loves that about you.
trancejen wrote on 12/13/06 at 8:54 pm :
And *I* love that about Green Bay.
Vida wrote on 12/14/06 at 12:59 am :
I was scolded by an elderly woman at the grocery store the other day for not having a coat on. (I’d like to note that it was unseasonably warm that day for December’s otherwise frigid ass) It kind of tickled me, though. I’d never seen this woman before, and she said to me, “Honey, where is your coat?! You’ll catch your death out there, sweetie. Put a coat on!”.
See? Another woman is doing her part to keep the coats on the children.
clahnamom wrote on 12/14/06 at 6:21 am :
I feel ya Jen. I’ve been having a hard time getting motivated for Christmas for the past several years. I used to love it…now I’m just tired thinking about it. We should form some kind of a motivational club…we could call it GYAMIC…Get Your Ass Moving It’s Christmas.
dom wrote on 12/14/06 at 11:19 am :
I’m no expert, but tell Jorge’s mom: “Hace frio. Jorge va a estar infermo. Necesita una chaqueta mejor.” Which means: “It’s cold. Jorge is going to get sick. He needs a better jacket.” Or convince the kid to want a jacket by threats of illness and amputation of frostbitten limbs.
Elle wrote on 03/18/07 at 1:47 am :
Yeah, I’m a few months behind and have finally gotten a chance to read back and see how you have been doing. Since it’s been so long since you posted this, I wasn’t going to comment, but I HAD to take the opportunity to THANK you and all your fellow crazy-assed Illinoisans for saving your crazy shit for Green Bay.
I live 30 miles south of there and I swear anyone with IL plates on 43 or 41 must have the same problem you do with the WI air. Door County? Fuggedaboutit! Too nutso for me. But, we do thank you for the tourist dollars.
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