A Sparkle Queen I Am Not.
December 18th, 2006 by Kevin
The album of the week is Jenny Lewis’s Rabbit Fur Coat. I find myself having a hard time coming up with any words to describe this other than “indie rock/country/folk-type harmonies that will stick in your head in the good way”.
But then I’m no music critic.
It’s highly worth checking out. Just take my word for it.
This weekend was the family’s Christmas party at my aunt and uncle’s abode. They live out in the wilds of Illinois, out where God lost his shoes and where the driveway is a mile long, where deer are a serious safety hazard and where there are absolutely no fucking street lights, making driving a dark and foreboding adventure.
My aunt and uncle have an entire room paneled in wood that is emblazoned with huge dead animals, because my uncle’s hobby is taxidermy. I call it the Wall of Death. There are huge, glassy-eyed deer, an entire cougar/mountain lion/something cattish, giant fish, and a hat made out of a raccoon that once caused my uncle to fall from a tree stand and break both of his legs.
I’ll bet that raccoon laughed his little striped ass off before he got shot.
I find it hard to sit in the room with all the sad, staring eyes of the sawdust-stuffed little corpses watching me. One can almost hear the shotgun blasts and the screams of the frightened deer:
“Run, Bambi, run!!”
Actually, I never cared for that movie. Go ahead and shoot that clueless little fucker. The rabbit was really annoying, too.
Anyway, Christmas parties on my mom’s side of the families are always good, primarily because they involve a lot of crazy people and large amounts of liquor, which is always an excellent combination. The kids always wind up dragging out forty thousand toys in a back bedroom somewhere while most of the adults get soused.
During Christmas parties past we have:
gone Christmas caroling through a cousin’s neighborhood for beer
gone Christmas caroling through another cousin’s neighborhood at close to midnight, waking up half the neighborhood
played Christmas carols on a deer call
watched in horror as a couple jokingly simulated sex on a living room floor
given my mother purple thong panties as a grab bag gift
created an “I Survived Aneurysm 2002″ t-shirt for my mother
This year, my aunt devised an elaborate drinking game based upon horse races for us, featuring toy horses on a giant board with spaces to land upon reading “take a drink”, “sing Deck the Halls”, “hug everyone in the room”, and the like.
We’re a strange, strange bunch, I suppose. I felt bad for my cousin’s boyfriend, a somewhat meek eighteen-year-old kid who had somehow been roped into joining the clan and looked as if he had been dropped directly into the Zorglar festivities on the planet Kragnon.
I looked at him as he sat in a chair, staring at my cousin’s husband, who was shouting that NO ONE was playing by the FUCKING RULES, DAMMIT, you had to REALLY SING, and I said, “I guess they probably don’t do stuff like this in your family, huh.”
He looked at me nervously and said, “Uh, no,” and then stared at my two grown cousins, who were making their horses hump each other at the finish line. “We don’t.”
I like to think that it may have been a character-building exercise for him rather than a freakish nightmare.
I have an incredibly hard time returning gifts. Even if the gift is something I don’t really care for or will not use and even if the giver is practically shoving the gift receipt down my throat, I hate to take a thing back; because, well, it was a gift. I generally assume that a person has invested some thought and time and energy as well as cash into said gift, and as a result I feel like a guilty chump if I don’t like it.
(Unless it’s a porcelain baby angel, in which case I realize that the person obviously is re-gifting or just plain does not fucking know me at all.)
I find myself in that sad dilemma once again, as I have received (from my very awesome and well-meaning aunt) a Sweater.
Now this is not a horrible Sweater. It does not have reindeer with jingling bells on it or giant chunky orange stripes or frolicking embroidered kittens or “I M A SuPR MOM” or any other such blasphemy.
It is beige and long, with a cowl neck, and it is actually something I would really wear quite willingly, if only it did not have sparkles.
It is shot through with some sort of sparkly metallic thread, giving it that sort of disco-chick effect.
I am just not a sparkly girl. I was guilty of a little body glitter and some sparkly eye shadow back when the clubs were all jamming Paul Oakenfold and everyone was tripping on ecstacy, but I think even the most unsparkly club-goers were into sparkle experimentation at that time. Other than that brief foray, I do not sparkle.
I fucking glow.
I kid.
Anyway, it just isn’t me. I leave the sparkly-shinies to the Jessica Simpsons of this world, to the thirteen-year-old girls who still long for sparkly, shiny, My-Little-Pony-type things, and to the drag queens who will forever purchase MAC glitter, long may they rule.
“I love it!!” I gushed. “It’s so cute!”
And I do love it, because she bought it, and it is cute, but it is just not me, and there was a gift receipt attached to the box, but I feel like a heel returning the damn thing, and plus my mother has a notoriously large mouth and would doubtless inform her that I nixed the Sweater in all its sparklicious glory.
Therefore the Sweater will probably rot in the closet, or perhaps I will even wear it at a family function so as to make my aunt happy.
There are indeed times in which I wish that I only did receive fruitcake, which I do love.
The converse to this theory of mine does not apply. I do not care whether or not someone returns what I have bought for them, unless it is my mother, because she is unreasonably picky and I have most certainly sweat blood attempting to find something perfect that will appease her particular little tastes.
All of this is reminding me that I am not even close to being done shopping, so I therefore need to stop procrastinating on the damned internet and get to it.
Happy Monday. And is it just me, or is “Get Your Fash’ On” the dumbest fucking slogan ever?? Come on, Old Navy.
Jer wrote on 12/18/06 at 2:11 pm :
Get Your Fash’On? Not only is it dumb but it pains me that someone makes BIG MONEY to come up with that stupid shit.
ang wrote on 12/18/06 at 2:50 pm :
Stupid logo. My husband’s family party was Sunday. I got gloves. Black gloves. That’s all. I must be a total bitch because we’ve been married 10 years, I’m 32 years old, and those boring fuckers gave me gloves. Asshats.
trancejen wrote on 12/18/06 at 4:46 pm :
I want gloves. LOL
ChicagoJo wrote on 12/18/06 at 6:07 pm :
Hmm, maybe the store that sold her the sparkle sweater has in a de-shined version?
Cruel Irony wrote on 12/18/06 at 6:28 pm :
I don’t know why but “something cattish” makes me laugh. I find it surprisingly descriptive too.
dom wrote on 12/18/06 at 6:51 pm :
Hey, I love Rabbit Fur Coat too! People call that style a lot of things, but I don’t know which is right. Her show I would describe as indie-inspired Vegas-twang. I saw her in October and wrote a review HERE if you’re curious. She had a sparkly little dress and she’s known for her indie-trend-setting, so maybe your glittery sweater will be the new hipster-wear next year.
Becky wrote on 12/20/06 at 7:40 am :
I bet you’d look really pretty in sparkly beige!
Your cousins sound like my cousins. Too funny!
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year!
ophnt wrote on 11/19/07 at 7:32 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Wonderful and informative web site.I used information from that site its great.
Velles wrote on 11/19/07 at 9:16 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Good site! The fresh actual information.
Britney wrote on 11/19/07 at 1:29 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
This website is Great! I will recommend you to all my friends. I found so much useful things here. Thank you.
lopus wrote on 11/19/07 at 1:32 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
You guys do a wonderful job! Keep up the good work!!!
Bush wrote on 11/21/07 at 2:42 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Good site!!! I found your site in the google.
Amanda wrote on 11/21/07 at 5:16 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I have your site for its useful and funny content and simple design.
Pucker wrote on 11/21/07 at 2:13 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Greetings!..
Sveta wrote on 11/21/07 at 4:54 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
You have built a good website
Marshal wrote on 11/21/07 at 6:46 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Excellent web site I will be visiting often
trdl wrote on 11/22/07 at 4:26 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I like it and the background and colors make it easy to read
trdl wrote on 11/22/07 at 9:13 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Interesting web page is, i\’ll see you later one more time
Francuz wrote on 11/22/07 at 10:01 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Cool!.. Nice work…
Francuz wrote on 11/22/07 at 11:07 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Hi, all. Nice site…I really like your site ! Good job man.
lopus wrote on 11/23/07 at 12:39 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Hi! Definitely nice and neat site you got there.
Marshal wrote on 11/23/07 at 2:56 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Cool guestbook, interesting information… Keep it UP. excellent site i really like your stuff.
Senole wrote on 11/23/07 at 10:16 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Many interesting information on your site - keep up good work
Pucker wrote on 11/24/07 at 4:00 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I have your site for its useful and funny content and simple design.
Francuz wrote on 11/24/07 at 6:19 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Cool guestbook, interesting information… Keep it UP. excellent site i really like your stuff.
Bush wrote on 11/25/07 at 2:55 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
This is very interesting site…
lopus wrote on 11/25/07 at 12:23 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I spent last 2 hours browsing your website, it\’s breathtaking.
lopus wrote on 11/25/07 at 6:16 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I browse and saw you website and I found it very interesting.Thank you for the good work, greetings
Britney wrote on 11/26/07 at 1:01 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Wonderful and informative web site.I used information from that site its great.
ophnt wrote on 11/26/07 at 1:03 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Hi, all. Nice site…I really like your site ! Good job man.
Dorise wrote on 11/26/07 at 7:17 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Fascinating site and well worth the visit. I will be back
Bill wrote on 11/28/07 at 12:34 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Thanks so very much for taking your time to create this very useful and informative site. I have learned a lot from your site. Thanks!!
Bill wrote on 11/28/07 at 2:49 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Hello admin, nice site ! Good content, eautiful design, thank !
Bob wrote on 11/28/07 at 5:05 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Great site. I will bookmark for my sons to view as well!!!
Elizabeth wrote on 11/28/07 at 5:06 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I browse and saw you website and I found it very interesting.Thank you for the good work, greetings
Sveta wrote on 11/28/07 at 5:26 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Very good site! I like it! Thanks!
Ivan wrote on 11/29/07 at 3:29 am :
Hi, my name is disman-kl, i like your site and i ll be back
btrdl wrote on 11/29/07 at 11:56 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
A fantastic site, and brilliant effort. A great piece of work.
ophnt wrote on 11/30/07 at 12:20 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I wanted to thank you for the time you spent building this page.
btrdl wrote on 11/30/07 at 1:47 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I spent last 2 hours browsing your website, it\’s breathtaking.
Bush wrote on 11/30/07 at 2:59 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Oh o ho! very nice site!
Amanda wrote on 12/1/07 at 11:07 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I like it and the background and colors make it easy to read
Saidich wrote on 12/1/07 at 11:42 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Sentimental and nostalgic. Great.
Elizabeth wrote on 12/1/07 at 4:11 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
!!!
Hi, good morning to all of you… Nice Guestbook
Francuz wrote on 12/1/07 at 9:48 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I enjoyed your page. Keep up the good work! Feel free to visit my page. It\’s cool too.
Sveta wrote on 12/8/07 at 10:45 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Great site. I will bookmark for my sons to view as well!!!
Senole wrote on 12/8/07 at 11:05 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Nice site! Keep up the good work!
trdl wrote on 12/9/07 at 2:47 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Hi! Definitely nice and neat site you got there.
lopus wrote on 12/9/07 at 7:58 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Your site very useful! I shall visit again and I shall inform to my friends.
Bill wrote on 12/9/07 at 8:50 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Your site very useful! I shall visit again and I shall inform to my friends.
Senole wrote on 12/9/07 at 11:39 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Excelent information. Best wishes from New York.
Anna wrote on 12/10/07 at 4:17 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Excelent information. Best wishes from New York.
Velles wrote on 12/11/07 at 7:24 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Very cool design! Useful information. Go on!
lopus wrote on 12/13/07 at 11:52 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Wow!!! Good job. Could I take some of yours triks to build my own site?
ophnt wrote on 12/13/07 at 8:49 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Informative site. Best wishes from California!
Velles wrote on 12/13/07 at 8:55 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
The information is successfully classified. Reasonable structure of a site.
trdl wrote on 12/13/07 at 9:28 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Fascinating site and well worth the visit. I will be back
Bob wrote on 12/14/07 at 1:08 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Wonderful and informative web site.I used information from that site its great.
trdl wrote on 12/14/07 at 4:37 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Wonderful pages! Keep up the grat work.
Francuz wrote on 12/14/07 at 4:53 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
It\’s a great and valuable site!
Amanda wrote on 12/14/07 at 11:41 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I wanted to thank you for the time you spent building this page.
Bush wrote on 12/14/07 at 12:12 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Pleasant design, successful navigation.
Amanda wrote on 12/14/07 at 6:18 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you!
Sveta wrote on 12/14/07 at 11:15 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
This site is really superb!!! Thank you for you work! Good Luck
Bob wrote on 12/15/07 at 5:51 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Thanks so very much for taking your time to create this very useful and informative site. I have learned a lot from your site. Thanks!!
btrdl wrote on 12/15/07 at 8:12 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Excellent site, added to favorites!!
ophnt wrote on 12/15/07 at 8:43 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Lucky to find you, keep on the good workk guys! Best of luck.
Sveta wrote on 12/15/07 at 2:35 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you!
ovlm7 wrote on 12/15/07 at 3:18 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
i love this site.
Sveta wrote on 12/15/07 at 5:57 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Hi, all. Nice site…I really like your site ! Good job man.
Pucker wrote on 12/15/07 at 6:08 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Good site! The fresh actual information.
Dorise wrote on 12/16/07 at 12:32 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Oh o ho! very nice site!
Sveta wrote on 12/16/07 at 1:03 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I have your site for its useful and funny content and simple design.
Saidich wrote on 12/16/07 at 3:30 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Hello admin, nice site ! Good content, eautiful design, thank !
Zumer wrote on 12/16/07 at 9:41 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Excelent information. Best wishes from New York.
Velles wrote on 12/16/07 at 9:49 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
I found a lot useful info. Thanks.
trdl wrote on 12/16/07 at 5:35 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
You have built a good website
Anna wrote on 12/16/07 at 5:52 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Thanks so very much for taking your time to create this very useful and informative site. I have learned a lot from your site. Thanks!!
orn movie wrote on 12/16/07 at 9:27 pm :
free amateur porn byeyumii
Saidich wrote on 12/17/07 at 5:43 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Wonderful pages! Keep up the grat work.
Senole wrote on 12/17/07 at 6:31 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
The information is successfully classified. Reasonable structure of a site.
Bush wrote on 12/18/07 at 4:22 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
A fantastic site, and brilliant effort. A great piece of work.
lopus wrote on 12/18/07 at 4:46 pm :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Fascinating site and well worth the visit. I will be back
Anna wrote on 12/20/07 at 6:37 am :
9c1d13c8 4673c618 818
Found your site in google, and it has a lot of usefull information. Thanx.
Black Pussy Pimp My Black Teen Black Asses wrote on 12/24/07 at 8:06 pm :
Black Pussy Pimp My Black Teen Black Asses…
I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view…
Unique christmas gifts. wrote on 12/28/07 at 9:33 pm :
Unique christmas gifts….
Unique christmas gifts for childern. Unique christmas gifts. Christmas men gifts unique. Unique best friend christmas gifts. Unique christmas gifts for him….
free jordan capri password wrote on 01/2/08 at 9:49 pm :
Fatal plane crash stuns Wellington…
Fatal plane crash stuns Wellington Aero Club communitySun-Sentinel.com, FL -3 hours ago… to their three surviving children; a son, 13, and twin…
Pay Day Advance wrote on 01/5/08 at 6:00 am :
Pay Day Advance…
…
Buy ultram, no prescription required. wrote on 01/10/08 at 1:13 pm :
Buy ultram, no prescription required….
Buy ultram, no prescription required….
Virgin mobile ringtones. wrote on 01/11/08 at 5:55 pm :
Free ringtones….
Free ringtones. Ringtones….
Buy ultram pharmacy online. wrote on 01/12/08 at 1:50 am :
Ultram buy ultram online order cheap ultram….
Canada pharmacy buy online ultram. Ultram buy ultram online order cheap ultram….
Buy soma, brand and generic for $0.50 ea. wrote on 01/13/08 at 1:13 am :
Buy soma, brand and generic for $0.50 ea….
Buy soma, brand and generic for $0.50 ea….
Buy tramadol, 180 tabs $109. wrote on 01/13/08 at 8:56 am :
Buy tramadol, 180 tabs $109….
Buy tramadol, 180 tabs $109….
Ultram prescription. wrote on 01/14/08 at 12:26 am :
Order ultram no prescription….
Order ultram no prescription….
Tramadol - buy online now! cheap tramadol pharmacy.. wrote on 01/14/08 at 8:18 am :
Tramadol - buy online now! cheap tramadol pharmacy…..
Tramadol - buy online now! cheap tramadol pharmacy…..
Buy soma tablets. wrote on 01/14/08 at 3:59 pm :
Soma….
Prescription drug called soma. Soma side effects. Soma. Soma without prescription 180 count….
Buy viagra online - generic at $0.88 ea. wrote on 01/15/08 at 6:25 pm :
Buy viagra online - generic at $0.88 ea….
Buy viagra online - generic at $0.88 ea….
Buy tramadol / ultram - 100 for $39!. wrote on 01/16/08 at 2:16 am :
Buy tramadol / ultram - 100 for $39!….
Buy tramadol / ultram - 100 for $39!….
Buy xanax 1mg 60 pills - $149. wrote on 01/17/08 at 12:18 am :
Buy xanax 1mg 60 pills - $149….
Buy xanax 1mg 60 pills - $149….
Payday loan. wrote on 01/17/08 at 8:07 am :
No teletrack payday loan….
A loan to payoff payday advance loans.. Instant payday loan….
iphone games music wrote on 07/20/08 at 9:33 am :
Nice blog, i have added it to my favourites, greetings