Cookie Time.
December 21st, 2006 by Kevin
The J-Man contracted some nasty kid-borne virus during a recent field trip to the Museum of Science and Industry and is consequently lying on the couch with a fever of a hundred and two, missing his last day of school before Christmas break and therefore missing his class party.
Bummer.
I know he got the flu during the field trip because school buses are hotbeds of skanky, germ-ridden sludge. I think they are possibly sprayed down with viruses by the government and used for testing biological weapons. When I called to inform the teacher that J. would not be coming in, she said, “Yeah, join the club.” Apparently he is not the only third-grade victim of school bus disease.
I am having a hard time trying to explain to the child that Santa is not omnipotent.
I noticed a couple of items on his Christmas list that did not exist in nature. I commented casually that I didn’t think ol’ Santa would be able to pull Item So-and-So out of his sizable red ass, and the child looked at me and said, “It won’t be a problem. Santa can make anything.”
Shit.
On one hand, I hate to destroy the magic that is Santa Claus, especially given the fact that it’s actually quite astonishing that the boy still believes in Santa at the ripe old age of eight.
On the other hand, I can’t really allow him to believe that Santa makes Nintendo games for Playstation, Teen Titan Legos, and other such items. I mean, we’d all like a perfect world, but unfortunately a little reality has to be injected at some point.
“J., Santa can’t just make up new stuff.”
“Sure he can. He can do anything.”
“He already has to make all the toys in the world. He can’t be making stuff that doesn’t exist, too.”
“Why not?”
“Because then people could just imagine whatever they wanted, and they could have anything. And while it would be pretty cool, it just doesn’t work like that.”
“Why not?”
“I… I have no idea. I guess Santa just waits every year to invent a certain amount of new toys.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. So I think you pretty much need to stick to toys that you know exist.”
“OK.”
It’s too bad, really. I’d like to invent stuff too.
Like, say, an iPod-slash-computer-slash-cellphone loaded with all my movies and songs and books.
That is free.
And has a screen that magically expands to thirty-two inches.
And cures health problems.
And has a teleporter.
Yeah.
One thing I absolutely cannot resist is a giant platter of Christmas cookies. I am powerless when walking past its tractor beams. I must eat one. Or five. I can pass up cake. I can pass up candy. I can even pass up The Nog. However, the allure of the cookie is strong, and this is why I find it difficult to bake. I am my own biggest fan.
This year I did not do much baking, what with all the being sick and the unholy stress and the falling down. I baked a bit for my family Christmas party and I will probably bake a bit over the weekend. There will be no elaborate, green-plastic-wrapped plates of cookies distributed to friends and neighbors far and wide, though. I’m just not in the groove this year.
My neighbor dropped off a huge platter of at least fifteen types of cookies the other day. I started to drool as soon as I saw the glistening plastic wrap walk in the front door. There was nut roll. There were kolackys, almost identical to the ones my grandmother used to make. There were rocky road bars, butterscotch cookies, rum balls, chocolate-covered pretzels, chocolate-covered Ritz crackers with peanut butter, sugar cookies with peppermint frosting, some sort of caramel things, fudge cookies with cherries, fudge, peanut butter cookies, coconut cookies, and clumps of white chocolate covered raisins.
During the past seventy-two hours, I have eaten approximately five hundred and sixty-eight of them. My mother found me sitting on the couch last night, surrounded my several chocolate-smeared napkins and an empty Diet Coke can, distended and smiling, and she simply shook her head, said, “You have an illness,” and walked away.
The other night I went to a Christmas party with Bullshit. We brought a tin of cookies created by his sister, who crafts cookies from love, joy, and I think pure serotonin. There were toffee squares and also some sort of marshmallow-topped S’more cookie that might possibly be the reason I will go on living another year.
It is probably not polite to smack the hands of the people reaching for cookies, especially when your boyfriend brought the cookies specifically for them, but my God, I could not stop myself.
Although now that I think about it, it would probably make more sense to just abduct the sister that makes the cookies. Then I would have a never-ending supply.
As a result of all this cookie gluttony, my jeans are tight and my face is breaking out so much that I look like I am the “Before” in a Proactiv commercial. I am the disgusting picture of uncontrolled addiction. I have allowed my lust for powdered sugar and baking chocolate to go unchecked and consequently look like a pale, bloated, acne-ridden blob.
But am I happy?
You bet your sprinkle-covered ass I am.
Happy Thursday. I still long for peppermint bark.
Also: Loob - e-mail me!!! I don’t have your address.
lisa wrote on 12/21/06 at 2:41 pm :
I am totally with you. I LOVE cookies and could eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day, were it not for the fact that I’d end up weighing 400 pounds. Mmmmm- cookies!!
Amanda wrote on 12/21/06 at 3:42 pm :
I can relate to J-man…I was knocked out by the super-flu and missed my last day of school before break too…and I’m a teacher!
lisa-marie wrote on 12/21/06 at 5:21 pm :
Oh, poor J! School parties are the best! I hope he feels better soon!
Lomo wrote on 12/21/06 at 6:10 pm :
Speaking of peppermint, this month’s Dairy Queen (Ice cream place, not sure if Murricans have them) is PEPPERMINT! There’s chunks of peppermint candies inside FREEZING COLD ICE CREAM. I think my arms just fell off.
fiestada wrote on 12/21/06 at 6:40 pm :
Chocolate covered Ritz crackers with peanut butter?!? I must find some type of recipe.
trancejen wrote on 12/21/06 at 6:57 pm :
They’re basically just two Ritz crackers with peanut butter smushed between them, dipped in chocolate. Sofuckinggood.
Kungfukitten wrote on 12/22/06 at 4:46 am :
I want Santa to bring me a Holodeck like they had on Star Trek Next Generation. At least that way I could go on virtual dates and play inside my favorite books when I got bored. I could totally do the Victorian novel thing where I’m dying of consumption and get to sit on a nice couch all day in a silk gown eating chocolates and wine laced with ladanum. Yes, I’ve given this a lot of thought.
J wrote on 12/22/06 at 7:42 am :
I gotta tell ya, I’m not so much on the sweets. However, when you said chocolate covered pretzels, and then followed it with chocolate covered peanut butter ritz crackers…
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
yeah, it’s 8:30am, and now I’m Hungry.
Oh, and Merry Christmas Jen!
Jer wrote on 12/22/06 at 8:28 am :
That flu thing? Nasty. A whole county here in Georgia shut down all of their schools (fyi, we have TONS of small counties), because 1200 students were out with the flu as well as some teachers.
Hope the J-Man feels better fast.
michael wrote on 12/22/06 at 8:36 am :
While not a true peppermint bark, the peppermint/white chocolate hershey kisses out this year are a fair substitution. Also they’re so small and innocent.. “Oh, look two just isn’t enough, and they’re so tiny a few more can’t hurt.” They’re a bit evil, but in the sugary-peppermint kind of way.
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I LOVE those damned things. They’re becoming increasingly hard to find.
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“especially when your boyfriend”- ver-r-ry in-n-nteresting first appearance of this word…..(any embarassment caused is purely intentional). Nice to see.
Kourtney wrote on 12/23/06 at 10:06 pm :
I read this post last night…. Tonight, I made chocolate covered peanut butter ritz crackers. I ate one then promptly sent the rest out of the house with my fiance. Waaaaaaaay too good.
Em wrote on 12/23/06 at 10:53 pm :
When I was eight, I remember pretending to still believe in Santa because I thought it would make my parents sad if I didn’t anymore–also because I was worried that I’d be cut off if I knew the truth behind the Santa lie. Pretty F’ed up psychological situation, actually.
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My siblings told me there was no Santa during the summer before kindergarten. Kinda took the sting out of it, since by Christmas I didn’t really care anymore.
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I notice you summoned the Lovely Loob. I am thinking it’s the same one…? I was curious as to whether she has mentioned her degrees of separation from Judd? Heh heh.
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