My Outer Adult Wants My Inner Child To Fucking Grow Up.
January 22nd, 2007 by Kevin
I just got back from the therapist (which is always such a promising start to a journal entry, no?), who maintains that the reason I have food problems is that I eat to piss off my parents, who don’t like it when I eat, because they didn’t show me enough love.
I also don’t eat to piss off my parents, because they also don’t like it when I don’t eat.
Therefore whether I am too thin or too fat, it is the fault of my sniveling little underappreciated inner child, who never felt nurtured enough and consequently has me by the short hairs.
I find all this over-analytical emo horseshit to be thoroughly disgusting and completely self-indulgent.
I’m sure it’s not without some basis and I’m sure that I have deep-seated issues that stem from the fact that nobody ever told me I was pretty, my dad didn’t properly ooh and aah over my science fair projects, and nobody kissed my wee little ass every night before I went to sleep; but I’m thirty-three years old and have a child of my own, and if I haven’t gotten over my childhood bullshit now, then I probably need a good hard bitchslap.
I think it’s fucking weak when people whine endlessly about the perceived cruelty of their parents and how this has made them fucked-up, problematic people. Everyone’s parents made mistakes. When you’re a parent, emo kid, you too are going to make mistakes. Hopefully you will learn from these mistakes and become a better parent. If not, pray that your kids will sack up, grow a spine, and learn to deal, and not become jellied whiny bitches that drone endlessly about their inner children.
God, I hate therapy.
I know that my parents do play a part in my eating issues, but I’m not about to have a temper tantrum and blame them entirely. According to the therapist, I was dealing with my unsupported emotions in a normal, childish way as a child by not eating/overeating, and I simply continued the pattern.
That’s all fine and great, but no one held a gun to my head to do any of the stupid shit I have managed to do during the past thirty-three years, lack of emotional support notwithstanding.
It’s a cop-out, blaming everything on a rough childhood, and I really had it better than most.
It was recommended that I go home and hit the heavy bag, pretending that it was my mother.
What exactly is that supposed to prove? That I can blast out a bunch of childish anger toward an inanimate object and relive a bunch of old crap, making myself pissed off all over again? That I should get irritated with someone who is by all rights saving my ass right now by helping to take care of me and my son when I’m sick and in the hospital, or even just on vacation? That I should blame all of my shortcomings and character flaws on my parents because nothing is my fault?
It’s such shit. Everyone’s a fucking victim. No one takes responsibility for their own crap.
My outer child wants to smack the therapist, but her inner lawyer would probably come out and sue my ass.
Happy Monday.
Kis/Christine wrote on 01/22/07 at 2:17 pm :
Amen.
Denise wrote on 01/22/07 at 2:21 pm :
I totally had to fire a therapist who couldn’t seem to outgrow my childhood. There’s only so much insight therapy/navel gazing/paying the therapist to hear stories about your life that you’re tired of telling anyway that you need before you’ve chewed all the Chiclet off that gum and you have to find a cognitive-behavioral therapist who can help you figure out what to DO about it.
Heather G wrote on 01/22/07 at 4:37 pm :
Sounds like your therapist is too freudian
Crystal wrote on 01/22/07 at 5:41 pm :
Right on, sista!
Kungfukitten wrote on 01/22/07 at 9:28 pm :
I like how your therapist basically told you that you’re damned if you eat and damned if you don’t eat. Can you drink? How would your mother feel about a feeding tube? I don’t know any women who don’t have fucked up issues with food and parents. I applaud you for seeing through all the victim crap, I think you have more of this figured out than your therapist does!
Steph wrote on 01/22/07 at 10:09 pm :
I spent three years with a therapist that tried to nurture my poor, wounded inner child. The last thing I needed was someone indulging my inner whiny brat. I made absolutely no progress whatsoever. I switched therapists, to one who looked at me and said “Yes, your parents pulled some crap. You can’t do anything about that. You can do something about how you choose to respond. And you’re not a child anymore, so you have to start taking responsibility for your actions. No one’s making you pull this crap.” I’m paraphrasing a bit, but you get the picture. It’s not like I quit binging and purging and starving overnight (hah!) but it sure made it harder to get into that victim mentality, even subconsiously, with her words running through my head.
dichroic wrote on 01/23/07 at 6:19 am :
Perhaps you could hit the heavy bag and pretend it’s your therapist?
Bozoette Mary wrote on 01/23/07 at 8:50 am :
I like dichroic’s idea!
Bethsheba wrote on 01/23/07 at 11:11 am :
“my parents, who don’t like it when I eat”
it does my heart good to know i am not alone.
BTW beating up the bag won’t prove a thing but it will help with old anger issues…
plus its good excersise
Kevin wrote on 01/23/07 at 2:12 pm :
FYI: “Beating up the bag” does *not* refer to smacking your mother around.
warcrygirl wrote on 01/25/07 at 4:09 pm :
You should tell you mother what the therapist said about beating the bag; then sit back and feel your inner child melt away as your mother beats the crap out of the therapist.
Dave wrote on 01/28/07 at 8:56 am :
What Steph said plus: What the rest of our virtual friends here are missing is that, while the rest of us (I assume) moved away from our hellish childhood, YOUR STILL IN HELL, living with your mother and the same humiliations you felt twenty years ago. Jesus! You can’t even blow your fucking nose without criticism! And I think that you don’t confront your mother because you fell guilty because she is “supporting” you and your son.
Freud, Schmoid! Your mother is the problem. No, you can’t leave, but you DON’T HAVE TO REVERT TO YOUR OLD, CHILDISH COPING MECHANISMS!
(Sorry for yelling, but I’ve gone through similar crap.)
Remember that you are not 33 going on 13. You are a woman who is coping with physical issues that the rest of us (secretly) thank God everyday we don’t have. But these issues do not mean that you give up your self-respect and dignity, which seems to be the price that your mom wants you to pay. No you are not getting free care here; you are paying for it EVERY SINGLE DAY psychologically.
Easier said than done: You have to start believing the truth. You are a 33 year old mother with a health issue, coping with that issue the best way that you can; you are not a rebellious teenager pissing off mommy by staying out late. When you start to believe that, your behavior will change, your mother will have more respect for you, any HER behavior will change.
I have to go now. Nobody likes to see a 47 year old virtual friend cry…
Peggy wrote on 11/24/07 at 4:44 am :
therapist,,just want to control your ACTING without ABILITY,enough to earn a living,if you get the confident to act with ability they have NO income,So lets think with our mind,and see the ability of acting with responsibility,that what happen yesterday is REALLY gone,,tomorrow is promised to any of us,and TODAY my dear is a Gift,open it up each day,with a sense of gratefulness,and appreciation for what you can really do the matters in your heat and soul,peace and love,your self TODAY,for that’s all you really have,,let go let go of the anger,cause it’s STEALING your Present,(today)Check out Wayne Dyer “No limit Person,,PLEASE *~*
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