My Future Wife.

January 27th, 2007 by Kevin

Dear Internet,

Lately I have been receiving a rash of spam advertising Russian mail-order brides.

This in itself is probably not very noteworthy.  I’m sure that many of my blogging peers receive the same offers.

Apparently these women are hard to get rid of.  Given the mentality of most of the men I’ve met during the last ten years, this surprises me.  Still, maybe a mail-order bride doesn’t come cheaply, or perhaps there is a lot of red tape involved in bringing a lady into the States.  I also understand that African babies are much more in vogue than Eurasian grownups.  Next year it will probably be Icelandic teenagers.  Who can tell what queer twists fashion will take?

I would like to make it clear, however, that I am absolutely interested in obtaining a mail-order bride.

Would I like a woman to trip across the pond to help me raise my child, do my laundry, wash my dishes, sing cute little folk songs, keep me company during the day, be my workout partner, and maybe even cook vareniki for me?  Sign me up.

I might even want two.

I’d like one with a strong back, since mine is for shit.  Someone who isn’t opposed to giving a good massage would be nice.  I’m very interested in crafts, so someone similarly inclined would be perfect for me.  We have a lot of pets, so I couldn’t board anyone opposed to cleaning up cat hair.

Certainly she must like children, and of course I’d love it if she made great vareniki.  I do love vareniki.

In return, she will receive half of the TranceCave, all of her expenses will be met and her basic needs will be taken care of.  I won’t pimp her out or smack her around, and while it’s cold in the TranceCave, she’ll be used to frigid weather; and she will get three hots and a cot as well as a daily dose of good ol’ American sarcasm from all three of us.

I anxiously await having a little Olga or Evgenia to love.

Sincerely,

Jen Trance

129 Responses to “My Future Wife.”

  1. Anne wrote on 01/27/07 at 10:31 am :

    Ya know, when you put it that way, I think I’d like one, too! hmmmmmm Nah, the hubby would get jealous. But a girl can dream!

  2. Loob wrote on 01/27/07 at 5:22 pm :

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  3. Sumnerd wrote on 01/27/07 at 11:24 pm :

    Mail-order brides are intriguing. I myself was intruiged enough to start a lit journal called Unloved Mail-Order Bride. Which has nothing to do with mail-order brides, you should know. www.unlovedreview.org if you care. If you don’t want this comment (it does seem spammy), I’ll understand.

    On the subject of Icelandic teenagers, or really Icelanders in general: I had an Icelandic teacher who complained after moving here (to Canada) that everyone was ugly. Because, you see, everyone in Iceland is so beautiful. I was fascinated, because usually it’s just my mom telling me I’m ugly and I should really wear make-up and lose weight. Heh. I on a roll of sounding so emo.

  4. Jen wrote on 01/28/07 at 12:16 am :

    You wouldn’t believe the red tape to get a woman over here… my dad brought a woman over from China. He swears she wasn’t mail-order but internet schmeternet - if it walks like a duck - you know the spiel. Her government handed her right over. Ours made her wait almost 3 years and she’s been here 3 years already and they just gave here a temporary visa to be able to visit another country and she STILL got detained. I personally find it hilarious but that’s how it goes…

  5. mary ann wrote on 01/28/07 at 11:50 am :

    We used to get Russian mail order camp counselors at the summer camp where I worked. I think they’re easier to come by than wives, and they sign up for crafts and taking care of kids and sleeping on a cot. I think you might prefer a Russian mail order camp counselor… and that way when you got tired of her, you just send her back and get a new one.

  6. Kristina wrote on 01/28/07 at 10:52 pm :

    Nah, you don’t even have to waste the stamp. Find a nice little Russian part of town, and you might find a Russian bride is only a cab-ride away.

    Have you tried pirozhki with cherries? As good as vareniki, I swear.

  7. Rumblelizard wrote on 01/29/07 at 9:34 am :

    As a home-owning single woman, I’ve often said that what I need is not a husband (who would prolly be even more work, which I need like a hole in the head) but a HOUSEWIFE, who will have dinner on the table for me when I get home, and do my laundry and the dishes, and clean the house, and all that good stuff. Any volunteers?

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