All the News That’s Fit To Spit.
February 2nd, 2007 by Kevin
I have been in the throes of some heinous sort of snot-inducing, SARS-type virus. I blame the boyfriend entirely, protest though he may, because he has been hacking and snorting and making all sorts of charming noises for the past couple of weeks, and of course I need a patsy to pin this on.
Damn you, Bullshit, Bearer of Phlegm! A pox upon your sexually transmitted snot-disease!
I did call the doctor in order to obtain some sort of antibiotic, but they kindly informed me that they could not see me until after the vile condition had already cleared up or until I was already dead, having choked on a big glob of my own mucous in my sleep. Which is, of course, how I always planned to go. So, fine.
Fuck the ghetto clinic. I think the only way one can get a prompt appointment at the ghetto clinic is to have a infectious child with a hundred-and-nine-degree fever, a raging STD, or a severe baby-daddy-induced injury.
Next time I’m just going to lie and claim that my eight-year-old has the chicken pox and that I am suffering from syphilis and a bad skull fracture received at the hands of my drug-dealing boyfriend.
That sounds like either a Movie of the Week or forty percent of the people I went to high school with.
Last night I drifted off to sleep with no problem whatsoever before one AM, which is rare. I awoke at one-thirty to paws leaping into the crack of my ass accompanied by a loud yowling.
Elmo the cat has become horribly insecure. If she’s not with me at all times, she will begin to cry at the top of her lungs, race to wherever I am, and then proceed to reassure herself that I am there and have not left by rubbing vigorously against my legs, or, if I am sleeping, kneading her paws into my butt.
This happens ten or twelve times a night.
She also brings me offerings of love, which range from balls of aluminum foil (the Ghetto Cat Toy - ye who pay 4.99 for fluffy things with eyeballs are dense) to hair rubberbands to a Ziploc bag containing a brownie which previously sat upstairs on the kitchen counter.
While I completely condone the bringing of brownies at any time, day or night, I do not wish them to have been chewed on by the cat.
I have not been able to dissuade her from these midnight attacks. If I shut her out of the room, as I sometimes do when the highly allergic Bullshit comes over, she howls so loudly and pathetically that I could not possibly sleep through it. If I encourage her to sleep on the bed, she attacks my feet as if they were squirrels. There is no escape.
I am contemplating crushing up a sleeping pill and dosing the little beast, but I would feel pretty awful if I killed the cat during the course of trying to slip her a Mickey.
Until I figure something out, I guess it’s like having a really annoying toddler. I got off easy with the J-Man, so maybe this is what I get for having been so smug.
In other news, I have been writing a lot of poetry, most of which is utter crap, and I have grown to have the utmost respect for anyone who can write the stuff without sounding like an overly-emotional, navel-gazing, annoying, ridiculously-flighty-to-the-point-of-sheer-agony jackass.
I tend to be too expansive and overly hyperbolic as it is due to all the Great Big Ideas constantly swirling around in my Big Fat Head, and that particular form of writing tends to be difficult for me as far as not knowing when to shut up, leaving me with Epic Pieces of Shit.
Think Walt Whitman, but really sucky.
It keeps me busy, at any rate. I feel like if I’m not writing something my head gets too full and is apt to explode.
It’s been an odd couple of weeks. Stressful. There has been so much arguing at home between my mother and I that I don’t think I’ve unclenched my fists or jaw in a week. I wish I could just get her to let up. It never seems to stop. I’ve been so tense and jacked up while at home that I’ve been throwing up (not purposely). Something definitely needs to give.
I’ve sort of been in that headspace in which I haven’t wanted to do anything or talk about anything or make any decisions - I’ve simply preferred to stick my head in the sand and let things pass me by. I have largely tuned out. No phone calls, no e-mail, nothing. Bullshit is really the only person I’ve been talking to, and half the time I’ve been half-assed while talking to him.
I’ve been functioning on auto-pilot and am just now starting to snap out of it and get my shit together.
I suppose it’s normal to get into these funks once in a while. I just wish I could sack up and admit it when I am instead of just retreating into myself and turning into a sleeping hermit.
I get so, so pissed off about everything that’s going on sometimes that it boils over to the point where I just can’t deal with it, I can’t talk about it, and I just shut down.
What I have to remember is that life goes on, with this or without it, lately I’m hanging in there fairly well, my son is healthy and happy, and I won’t be living here forever.
At least now I’m not flipping out about money, my family is provided for, I have good insurance, my kid’s in a good school, I haven’t broken my head yet (ha), I’m in a good relationship with a man I love - a man who is actually a grownup and not a jackass, and I have good friends who put up with my terrible, terrible lack of communication when I’m being a big tittybaby.
So really, things could be a hell of a lot worse.
Sometimes I just need to pull my head out of my butt and remember that the fact that I’m on disability does not mean that I have to sit in the basement and rot.
Happy Friday.
Kathy wrote on 02/2/07 at 1:14 pm :
As funny as it is to read, I know it sucks when it’s your cat screaming in the middle of the night. My mom gives her dog melatonin at night so he will sleep. Maybe kitty prozac?
Amanda wrote on 02/2/07 at 1:20 pm :
Benadryl. The antihistamine will knock the cat out. 1 mg/lb of the cat’s weight should do it safely.
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dom wrote on 02/2/07 at 3:57 pm :
So you know you’re going to have to post some of this brilliant poetry.
John in Phoenix wrote on 02/2/07 at 4:00 pm :
Hello Gorgeous lady !
I’m sorry to hear about the arguing between you and your Mother. Damn. This probably sounds stupid, but maybe she is taking all of her frustrations about your physical condition which is terrifying her as your Mother out on you and just doesn’t realize it… maybe…ummm…or maybe she’s just being a bitch and just needs to get a grip ? Yikes. Too bad I live down here in Phoenix or I’d be dragging you down to the nearest Gay bar to watch a really bad drag show just to get you out of the house for a spell. Of course drinks would be a major part of the plan as well. Ya know?
Having my own spell o’shit myself this week. Just lost my wonderful new job yesterday and the Hubby is LIVID. Holy shit storm batman…I’ll be meeting him for drinkies in a few hours at our local gay bar myself. Hope they have a crappy drag show going on but if nothing else the cocktails are going to flat out ROCK !
Hang in there secret lover, this too shall pass or we’ll start shooting Republican’s to feel better. Hmmmm….
- John in Phoenix
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Hey John, I’m totally with you both on the crappy drag show *and* the Republican-shooting. In fact I think both should be combined for an all-out drag queen Republican assault.
Ari wrote on 02/3/07 at 1:28 am :
I want a cat that brings me food at night. I’m sure that sounds nicer than it actually is.
Dido wrote on 02/3/07 at 2:05 am :
For your cat problems, you might try the Eater Of Kitties training method. Throw the cat out the bedroom when you go to sleep, stick your vacuum cleaner right next to your closed bedroom door on the inside, and set up the cord, possibly with an extension cord if you need to, so that when the cat gets annoying outside your door, you can reach lazily out of your bed without getting up and plug in the vacuum (button set to on, so you don’t have to get out of bed, right.) Cat runs away in terror. Do this five or six times and the kitty quickly learns that a closed door means the Eater of Kitties is in there, and kitty suddenly no longer finds closed doors interesting. =)
trancejen wrote on 02/3/07 at 8:40 am :
Dido, that’s a FANTASTIC fucking idea, because she’s TERRIFIED of the vaccuum cleaner. So much so that I almost feel horrible doing it.
Dido wrote on 02/4/07 at 2:27 pm :
Hahaha! Our cat was terrified by it, too. It was that or throttle her though. And it *was* effective for training her. She never bothers us when the door is shut. =)
Elle wrote on 03/18/07 at 4:57 am :
We dog our terrier with one of the herbal calm remedies, when neccessary. Of course, it is hard to know the difference between when cat is just sleeping and when it is drugged out its gourd, but at least you get rest.
You know, I used to get on myself for sleeping as an escape from my life, but both my therapist and doctor have said that out of all the coping mechanisms, such as drugs, drinking, gambling, etc., sleeping is the safest. So, at least if you are able to get up, shower and eat, you are doing okay by sleeping,
As for your mom, that is the age old questions, isn’t it? YOu know you would be a bigger person to let you just say what she has to say and then just do what you want to do, anyway. But parents know how to push our buttons SO well. Is it possible to develop a standard response, such as “I know you are only saying these things because you want what’s best for me, but I really don’t think I can deal with the extra stress now. And then walk away. If you don’t argue back, she might feel she “won” the battle and leave you alone.
I’m the scrapy person who needs to feel right. My sister is the pragmatist who listens to what my mom says and even agrees, but then just goes off and does her own thing.
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