Fighting For My Right to Be Bitchy.
February 18th, 2007 by Kevin
I don’t feel that I’m a bitch, or surly, or overly possessive of a Shitty Sick Person attitude.
I try to keep it together most of the time, because isn’t that what we sick folk are expected to do?
If you’re chronically ill, you’re supposed to be graceful about it. You’re supposed to accept it with a certain self-mocking sort of half-smile and go on about your business. You’re supposed to handle it with class. You’re supposed to look on the bright side of life, stay hopeful, and see that glass as half full. You’re supposed to just keep swimming, keep on dancin’, and keep on smiling.
This way people can say things like, “I don’t know how she/he handles it so well,” or, “What a strong person,” or, “There’s someone who is really brave.”
You’re not supposed to get mad, throw the phone, yell at people who don’t deserve it, kick the wall, go off on your doctor’s receptionist, throw bottles of pills when they won’t open, scream, stop eating because you’re sick of puking, stop talking because you’re sick of faking, stop getting out of bed because you’re sick of falling, or stop waking up because you’re sick of dealing with your shitty life.
You’re not supposed to call your life shitty, either. You’re supposed to look at all the good things and appreciate them and stop being a whiny, ungrateful, little bitch. You’re not supposed to complain about your lack of Prada shoes when some unlucky motherfuckers don’t have any goddamned feet.
Lest you forget any of this, there are always people around who are more than willing to remind you. People don’t like angry sick people. This makes them feel uncomfortable, unsure of what to say, and often full of undeserved guilt and anxiety.
I had a wonderful Valentine’s Day evening out at a fancy hotel and restaurant because I employed the practice I often fall back on to ensure that I will be well for a short amount of time - I jacked myself up on diet pills.
This is stupid, dangerous, and wrong. If my doctor knew that I did it, he would no doubt lose his fucking mind. However, the pills raise my blood pressure enough to enable me to not pass out for a day or two. I never take them longer than a day or two because I don’t want to have a heart attack, but sometimes I just need to function for parent-teacher meetings or school things or holidays or hell, even dates. I’m only human. I occasionally would like to have some semblance of normalcy.
After my two days downtown, I snapped right back to reality by passing out twice upon getting home as well as barfing my guts out. For the rest of the day I was pretty much out of commission.
This has been happening pretty much every single day, and I am just sick of it.
Sick of it.
I’m sick of falling down, throwing up, having seizures, not being able to fucking see well enough to do anything useful, being tired twenty-four motherfucking hours per day, and dealing with asshole doctors who feel that none of this is anything that needs to be treated with any sense of urgency.
I am also sick of feeling as if I have no right to be upset about this. Goddamnit, I have every fucking right to be upset about this. This has sucked up seven years of my life and shows no sign of slowing down. I have every right to be angry and pissed off and fucking bitter about it. I don’t walk around shredding people, but damn it, once in a while I am not fucking happy about it. Is that so fucking wrong?
I made a comment last night - some shitty comment I can’t even remember, something to the effect of “I’m sick of this shit, this fucking sucks,” and my mother got all bent out of shape and fired back with, “Well don’t get all PISSED OFF at me, get pissed off at your doctor.”
I’m NOT pissed off at YOU, I’m NOT pissed off at ANYONE in particular, unless perhaps you count the medical profession as a person, or maybe God, whoever I consider that to be.
Can’t a person express some kind of anger without other people feeling threatened?
Am I just supposed to suck it all up and sit in a fucking rocking chair with a Prozac-induced smile on my face for the rest of my life, never bothering to get even the slightest bit irked that my life is being stolen from me? Is that supposed to be normal?
I find that extremely hard to believe.
I don’t expect anyone to listen to me rant and rave for days, but Jesus, am I tired of hearing that it’s OK and that I’ll be fine, because it has not been OK and I am not fine. Just once it would be nice if some could acknowledge the fact that this does indeed fucking suck.
This is beyond my control, and it fucking sucks, and it’s not OK. Maybe it’ll never be OK. I can deal with that most of the time, but when I do get tired of it all and when I do get fed up, I don’t need everyone backing away from me as if I am unreasonable for daring to act like a person with feelings.
Dave wrote on 02/18/07 at 5:02 pm :
Now THIS is the Trancejen that I know and love!
I thought you were gone forever with that lovey-dovey crap you wrote on the 15th!
Continue to rail against The Gods!
trancejen wrote on 02/18/07 at 5:07 pm :
I can be in love and still be pissed off at the universe, goddamnit.
razor-vixen wrote on 02/18/07 at 5:16 pm :
You have every right to feel the way you do. I don’t know how you remain so positive most of the time. I guess it’s that, or run away screaming. You’re a very strong person, and one to be admired. Don’t forget that.
Kristina wrote on 02/18/07 at 5:51 pm :
It fucking sucks, it’s not OK, and you are not unreasonable for being angry.
Nightowl wrote on 02/18/07 at 5:55 pm :
Let it out, and be angry. Hell, you could probably act like House with your cane and get away with it. You don’t have to be nice. Who said you have to be nice about it? Where did you hear that? Someone has been feeding you some bull. Holding all you emotions in leads to other problems and you don’t need them.
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michael wrote on 02/18/07 at 6:40 pm :
My favorite is when you feel like ass, are in a pissy mood, are trying to be polite and not rip anyone’s head off and just really want to be left alone and all anyone wants to do is talk about it. “Are you feeling okay?” “Is there anything I can do?” “Do you want to talk about it?” No. No, I do not want to fucking talk about it. Just leave me alone and get.the.fuck.away.
Mish wrote on 02/18/07 at 8:19 pm :
i had a numb leg and doctor told me it was either s pinched nerve or MS. The syptoms came and went and i would just cry when i couldnt walk w/o really trying especially since i live by myself in a condo w/ 2 dogs that i have to walk whether i can walk or not. Turns out I forgot to refill my paxil. W/in 3 hours after finding one, and realizing that I had not had that color and shape pill for about a month I took it and felt FINE 3 hrs later. Too bad I decided to divorce my husband when I was on my period and severe paxil withdrawl; but it was for the best. I wish you could get a happy ending too. But you have a great one w/ love for now.
carl wrote on 02/18/07 at 10:49 pm :
I got every word; you been dealt a defective hand! Bitch, moan, complain, whine, cry, hurt; it’s your life, own it and share it. Buy your self a punching bag and some boxing gloves, or have a pillow fight or do what you do best,…rant like hell on this blog!
John in Phoenix wrote on 02/18/07 at 11:41 pm :
Well Fuck it all. Being sick (or not having a body that functions like it should) just plain sucks. Bottom Goddamn line. Bitch, scream, yell, boil kittens alive *kidding* or cut down the rest of the rain forest….whatever it takes to ease the mental and emotional toll that comes with being out of commission for years on end. Let ‘er rip kiddo and let the poison out in any way that works for you hon. You certainly won’t get any flak from me or those that think you are the best of the best. Here is a trite suggestion for you… hang in there sweetie.
- John in Phoenix
steve wrote on 02/19/07 at 6:50 am :
hows the cats jen
Sheryl wrote on 02/19/07 at 3:37 pm :
I am so glad you wrote this. You really epxressed the whole frustration and anger and unfairness of it. I suddenly became chronically ill about a year ago and I am still trying to cope with not only the actual medical shit but the whole change in my life and what I can do and how people treat me, and how I see myself.
It totally sucks and it’s not fair and it’s incredibly hard to just act like everything is fine when it is nowhere near fine.
So thanks for saying so well what many of us are struggling to even get our brains around.
Julie wrote on 02/19/07 at 5:07 pm :
Tell me about it!!!! I am FIGHTING that G.D. Social Security Admin tooth and nail for almost 2 damn years now. I have ever-increasing Fibromyalgia and now have had to take a job due to NO money coming in that is definitely making me SICKER becuz the fucking government cannot get off their lazy asses and pay me the money I GAVE them all these years! I have hired an attorney and hoping for the best. Please, everyone, pray for lil ol Julie in FLorida that her S.S. claim is approved before I go postal. Thanks……………
trancejen wrote on 02/19/07 at 7:10 pm :
Good luck Julie, I know it’s a real bitch.
Ari wrote on 02/19/07 at 9:36 pm :
Fuck, I just want to yell “AMEN!” from the rooftops after reading this one. You rock.
dichroic wrote on 02/20/07 at 2:35 am :
I think Dylan Thomas applies here, with some small changes - better to rage against the dimming of your light than to accept it with hands folded and a sweet smile. It does suck not to be able to do what you want, when what you want includes such modest requests as remaining conscious, keeping your food down, and being able to work and raise your kid and have a little fun now and then.
golfwidow wrote on 02/20/07 at 5:05 am :
With everyone and their brothers telling people to “write what you know,” it’d be pretty unfair for them to add, “unless what you know is something we don’t want to know.”
Bozoette Mary wrote on 02/20/07 at 2:35 pm :
You have a total right to be pissed.
Casandra wrote on 02/21/07 at 7:17 am :
“You’re supposed to be graceful about it.” God isn’t that the truth. I remember spending a week in the hospital when I was a teen, and a month on bedrest, and a whole ton of time in a wheelchair, and after all this my mom drags me into a pain clinic and counselor’s office because I wasn’t bouncing right back to my cheery old self.
The world wants to look at you and clap there hands at the bravery and the courage, hell if they want to hold it while you cry.
Kyla wrote on 02/24/07 at 12:14 am :
Here here! I understand completely. I know saying “hang in there” is kind of trite since besides dieing you kind of HAVE to hang in there. I guess all I can say is that I wish you better health, happiness and less and less days of frustration.
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ulrik reimann wrote on 07/4/07 at 1:40 pm :
There are too many polite and boring muthafuckers in the world. I quite like it when someone gets mad and has the guts to show it.
(I’m a bit like that myself…)
If You’re angry, just scream and kick! Be a bitch when the world and Your surroundings deserve it, man.
Regards
UR
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