Aye Aye, Cap’n.
February 22nd, 2007 by Kevin
Have you ever noticed that sugared cereal mascots all appear to be smoking the crack or locked into some alternately-induced state of hyperactive psychosis?
For your perusal, I offer the Cap’n:
Looks a little unhinged, doesn’t he?
Perhaps ol’ Cappy and the Cocoa Puffs cuckoo and the Trix rabbit are meant to serve as warnings, harbingers of the sugar-laced insanity that will no doubt rear its ugly head when we feed this shit to our children.
I used to be one of those smug, self-righteous parents who said things like, “I’ll never feed my child sugary cereals.”
I’m sure you fellow parents can sing the Song of the Future Hypocrite right along with me:
I’ll never let my child watch TV,
My child will speak French before she is three!
I’ll never beat my kid with a shoe!
I’ll be a way way better parent than you!
Processed foods and sugar are all bad,
And you people that use them are small and sad.
Riiiiiight.
Some of you may agree with the above statements. Keep on truckin’, new parents. Come talk to me when your kid is four.
Anyway, I quickly gave up the idea of having a sugar-free zone because that meant I would have to give up the stuff myself, and I am absolutely addicted to Peanut Butter Captain Crunch.
I won’t say no to a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, either.
I eat a lot of cereal, so much that it probably makes up about 2/3 of my weekly food intake. I invariably have to have some of the healthy shit around because if I only ate the junk I’d have no teeth and weigh 400 pounds, but I love me some crappy cereal.
I’ve noticed lately that even Special K is getting in on the action and has added chocolate to its product. Way to dumb down the healthy stuff for us sugar addicts, Special K!
What’s your favorite?
(Incidentally, Maple Pecan Crunch = four dollars a fucking box, but PURE LOVE.)
Happy Thursday.
robin wrote on 02/22/07 at 11:18 am :
Oh how I love me some sugary cereal too! The stuff is like crack! Especially Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch and Fruity Pebbles. That shit will tear up your mouth though.
I too vowed never to let my child eat sugar, watch tv all day, or ever ya know, get on my nerves or anything like that.
But, yeah, that was 2 years ago. Shit has changed. Give me some Cinnamon Toast Crunch with a side of Elmo. Wheeee!
golfwidow wrote on 02/22/07 at 11:31 am :
I am allergic to milk, but I love Bolthouse Vanilla Soy Chai poured over a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.
trancejen wrote on 02/22/07 at 11:33 am :
Vanilla soy chai sounds fucking good. I’m partial to Silk myself.
clahnamom wrote on 02/22/07 at 12:42 pm :
Ahh…I love Captain Crunchberries. My girls think they’re candy because we never have them for meals. Only snacks…when we are very, very good.
I can rationalize my way past anything.
Veronica wrote on 02/22/07 at 12:47 pm :
Man, that damned Trix Rabbit is the ulitmate addict. It’s like, he knows that he’s gonna get bunk hits, but still… always with the trying.
Carol Elaine wrote on 02/22/07 at 1:02 pm :
I’m with you, Jen - I’m in love with Peanut Butter Captain Crunch.
I don’t think the Cap’n is unhinged, however. I think he’s over-compensating for the are things that are happening in Cerealia. He’s trying to make sure the average consumer doesn’t suspect the dark times that have cast a shadow over that once happy place.
Erika wrote on 02/23/07 at 9:17 am :
I’m eating my favorite now, although, sadly, it’s not the sugary stuff. But it tastes just as good. Kashi Go Lean Crunch with Rice milk and blueberries on top. It’s sweet AND full of fiber! ha ha
Bozoette Mary wrote on 02/23/07 at 3:13 pm :
Totally hot for the Cap’n. Any variety.
Kyla wrote on 02/23/07 at 11:17 pm :
I understand… Peanutbutter Captain Crunch and CoCo Puffs… My fav. Yuuuuummmm! And I have read ten trillion health books, used t be very athletically invoved and used to do projects and papers on proper health in school. But I have to have my sugary cereal.
Kari wrote on 02/24/07 at 8:56 am :
Yeah - I like peanut butter anything! But not Reeces Puffs for some reason. Maybe the fact that they look like rabbit turds. Smart Start Original is pretty damn good for a “healthy” cereal, but oy vey with the $4 + for a small box!
june wrote on 02/25/07 at 1:08 pm :
Organic Strawberry Fields from Kashi, and Wild Blueberry clusters. Not organic, but still good.
artgnome wrote on 02/27/07 at 10:20 am :
my god, Count Chocula soooo rocks. Along with Lucky Charms. put stiff marshmallows in it, and I will show.
KelMcKel wrote on 03/9/07 at 8:05 pm :
I think Cap’n Crunch’s real problem is that he can’t close his mouth because the roof of it is torn to fuckin’ shreads by the square pieces of cereal. He probably tried to eat french fries for lunch after a Cap’n Crunch breakfast and has some serious salt in the wound issues. That happened to me once.
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