OMG CEILING CAT IS WATCHING ME MASTURBATE
February 27th, 2007 by Kevin
Thanks for your comments regarding the move. So far I’m sort of leaning toward Blogger (Nick, you have an e-mail coming), but I have not decided yet.
OK. So I live in a basement cave, right? We have established that. I live in a basement cave that used to be an unfinished basement but now is this red funky sort of place with a red velvet couch and walls and a door and this weird cloth ceiling that my father and I fabricated.
It was all very Trading Spaces. I had to figure something out that would hide various pipes and flaws in the ceiling but that would not wind up being as low (or pricey) as a drop ceiling. We bought some dollar-a-yard jacket liner fabric and went to town with a staple gun. It sounds cheesy, but the effect is actually sort of cool and drapey, like some kind of trippy opium den, or at least I like to think so.
Elmo the cat, who is often bored and thoroughly evil, somehow machinated a way to get up into the ceiling using an elaborate system of scaffolding, pulleys, and ropes.
I was lying on my bed a couple of weeks ago when I heard muffled mewing. I looked up, and there I saw tiny feet protruding from the ceiling.
Since I don’t drop acid, I figured that this was not good.
“ELMO!”
“Rowr?”
“ELMO!”
“ROWWWWWWWWWWWWR?”
“Fuck.”
My mother and I wound up having to rip half the fabric down in order to extricate the cat from the ceiling, and even then it was no easy feat to get her out. She was terrified and shell-shocked after being trapped in the dark abyss of vents and pipes, and when I brought her down she was covered in dust, poofed out to twice her size, and thoroughly freaked out.
Later that night as she waltzed into the room prepared to jump on my ass and knead it into a stretch-marked pulp, I noticed that she looked odd.
“Com’ere.”
I brushed off her neck, which looked grey. Nothing came off.
I took out the little wiry cat brush and brushed her, much to her chagrin. Nothing.
It wasn’t coming off.
I walked upstairs holding her.
“Mom.”
“What.”
“The cat changed color.”
“What?!”
“Swear to God. The cat changed color after she came out of the ceiling. Look.”
“Oh my God.”
My cat, which previously was a solid black longhair, now had a two-inch-wide strip of silvery grey around her neck. The rest of her long hair was glossy and still black, but now she had a ruff that looked like a silver lion’s mane.
“She was traumatized and her hair changed to grey!!”
“Cats don’t get freaking traumatized! You’re nuts.”
“When my dad had cancer, his hair turned grey.”
“But not right away and for no good reason.”
“She was traumatized.”
“This is fucking weird. She’s not even old. She’s three years old.”
I’d love to show you a picture, but the cord-eating poltergeist that lives in my TV has eaten the cord to my camera battery charger. As soon as I find it, I will post photos.
Weird shit, no?
My curiosity has finally gotten the best of me and I am calling the vet today to get his take on it.
If it was indeed trauma it can’t have been that bad, because now the cat is up in the cailing every other goddamn day, giving me absolutely no peace.
And of course allowing me no freedom to masturbate.
Heh.
In other news, I am back on the crack pills that I was taking for my heart back in September, which seem to work better than the beta blockers and other medications I’ve been trying because although I still get dizzy and have major head rushes, I have not passed out in three days.
I also have not slept more than three hours, I itch all over, and I am breaking out in huge pimples; and hey, would you like me to re-shingle your roof BECAUSE I TOTALLY WILL, and maybe then I can burn you about 500 CDS or so, and then maybe I can make you a car from scratch and rebuild your hard drive and run around the block a few thousand times and do some triple backflips off the roof for your entertainment, and I AM SO PSYCHED.
Where are you? I’m waiting.
Seriously, come on over. I’ve been up since one-thirty and I am SO FUCKING BORED.
Happy Tuesday.
Bozoette Mary wrote on 02/27/07 at 7:58 am :
HEY! See you soon!
trancejen wrote on 02/27/07 at 8:15 am :
Yay!!!!!
Mare wrote on 02/27/07 at 8:32 am :
Hey! Me too, me too! Yay! See you soon!
Anne wrote on 02/27/07 at 8:59 am :
Dude, if I didn’t live in New England I’d be there. Trust me, I’d love an excuse not to hang out alone. Or, you could come over…I have walls that need to be painted a color I detest, and they need to be primed and all sorts of stuff. heh
Oh, and you can chat with me while I organize the attic?
Yeah, I need a life.
Julie wrote on 02/27/07 at 7:47 pm :
I have not seen a “poofed out cat” in way too long.
Cosmic wrote on 02/27/07 at 10:16 pm :
Come to RI and I’ll let you repave our driveway. Then you can push Terry to the store and clean my house. I might even feed you munchies and alcoholic beverages.
carl wrote on 02/27/07 at 10:40 pm :
Too friggin funny! I envision a comic strip with that last post~ or even crazier, a reality TV show??!! Now that would make ya rich!
Kungfukitten wrote on 02/28/07 at 3:27 am :
I wonder if she stuck her head in something to look around and when she pulled it out got crap on her. Have you tried attacking her with a soapy washcloth yet? Cats are goofy that way.
ERIKA wrote on 02/28/07 at 6:36 pm :
poor elmo:(
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