Open Letter To The Elderly.
March 9th, 2007 by Kevin
Dear Old-Ass Damned Old People,
I know you’re old, and I do respect that. I know I’m going to be old as fuck one day too (with any luck), and that young punk-ass people with tattoos and nose rings (or eyeball rings, or whatever they’re into at that time) are probably going to roll their eyes at my lame and exasperating antics, but for the love of sweet bikini-waxing Jesus could you learn to shut the hell up while in the doctor’s office and give the rest of the chance to see the doctor in a timely manner?
The cardiologist’s office has paper-thin walls. I can hear everything you say. When you talk about your problems with your bowel movements (this has nothing, I believe, to do with YOUR HEART), I hear about it. When you complain in gross detail about this medication and that medication and your niece Mary and that shameful boy she’s been dating and your cat’s hairballs and your hemorrhoids and your sciatica and your ingrown ass hair (notice that again, NOT ABOUT THE HEART), I hear about it.
Never mind the doctor, who I’m sure would love nothing more than to quietly strangle you with his stethoscope. I’ve been waiting for forty-five minutes for my fucking appointment and now I have to wait another hour while you bitch on one side of me and then another hour while Edna on the other side of me cries that her daughter is making her take too many pills and I just want to scream SHUT IT, EDNA, I TAKE MORE PILLS THAN YOU DO AND I’M A THIRD OF YOUR AGE.
The cardiologist is not your personal therapist. He is also not your son, your dad, or your best friend. I realize that some of you are as lonely as hell, but save it for the waiting room, where people are more than willing to chat you up all day if given half the chance.
I just want to get in and get out. If I have to listen to very many more diatribes, I’m going to have to start stealing some walkers, and things are going to get very ugly. One more monthly bowel movement report, and I’m going to have absolutely no problem smacking up some little old ladies with their own giant pleather handbags.
I’ve had all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more.
Sincerely,
Jen Trance
michael wrote on 03/9/07 at 1:45 pm :
I used to ask for thte first appointment of the day. Sucked to get there early, but no one in front of me holding up the line. And it meant I had the rest of the day free.
Jen the ex Radiator Lady wrote on 03/9/07 at 8:54 pm :
No other doctor in history can beat the wait at my pain doctor’s office. Even if you get the first appointment of the morning, or the first one after lunch, your wait time is a minimum hour. I’ve waited for 2 1/2 hours there before. AND, of COURSE, this waiting room has NO magazines. Just insane people in pain, blabbing their life stories to others in the waiting room. I am totally not into this, AT ALL, so I bring my own magazine, get a lot of reading done, and go about my business. Enjoy.
Anonymous wrote on 03/10/07 at 11:00 am :
Uhh, they really need to get a white-noise machine in the waiting room if you can hear everything they’re saying.
trancejen wrote on 03/11/07 at 2:32 pm :
No shit!!
Halo wrote on 03/18/07 at 9:59 pm :
I bet my Dad goes to your cardiologist. Considering his litany of complaints about his bowels right before we sit down to dinner, I don’t wanna know what the fuck he’s saying to his doctors.
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