Spring Fashion and The Sound Of Screeching Children.
March 13th, 2007 by Kevin
It is sixty-five motherfucking degrees.
Never mind the fact that it is actually going to swoop back down to a miserable twenty-nine degrees by the week’s end - right now it is a veritably balmy sixty-five, and I love it. Bring it on. My mom-ass capri pants and I are ready.
Yeah, I like capri pants. I admit it. I hate shorts because my legs are frighteningly white and my skin is quite translucent and these facts lead to the visibility of every single vein under my skin. I don’t give a fluttering fuck how soccer-mommed out they’re supposed to be, I will never stop wearing capri pants and I will never, ever be caught dead in short shorts.
By the way, this spring mini-skirt trend can go and suck it. I am five eleven and I am not about to fit my ass into some twelve-inch little scrap of fabric without the lower half of my butt hanging out for the world to see unless I starve myself into children’s clothing sizes.
Every designer who dreams up the season’s clothing trends by stitching his or her fashions onto emaciated little coked-up models should be beaten soundly about the face and neck with wedge heels and force-fed those sixty-pound issues of Vogue that feature a hundred and ninety pages of jewelry ads.
I mean, get serious.
Fuck miniskirts. I’m a size twelve, perfectly reasonable for my height, and they still make me look like a massive cow.
Another thing I have noticed is that all heels are at least three inches tall. I firmly support the notion of frivolous and pretty shoes, and I am a strong advocate of a woman’s right to own a different pair of shoes for each article of clothing she possesses, but goddamn, some of these shoes could kill a bitch.
I tried on shoes this Sunday for shits and grins and found myself towering above the shoe department in so frighteningly a manner that I felt like GOZIRRA, SHE-BEAST OF PLATFORMS. *stomp stomp stomp* *screaming villagers*
This is not to say that I do not enjoy feeling larger than life and somewhat threatening, because God knows it can come in handy. This is just to say that sometimes when one is six-three in big shoes and fond of black eyeliner one might be mistaken for a drag queen. That, my friends, is not cool.
…although the propositions I get at such times are really, really interesting, no doubt.
Anyway, ladies, if you’re buying shoes, be prepared to walk tall. Men, if you’re buying shoes, be prepared to wear the same shit you wear every year, because who the hell really cares what you wear?
I kid. I care. Shoes are, in fact, the first thing I look at on a man, because I’m shallow like that.
Yep.
Moving on.
Since we’ve had a couple of warm days, the kids have been out in my yard in full force. I have come to the realization that there is some sort of invisible satellite dish on my roof that calls children with a signal that is inaudible to grownups or that is perhaps transmitted during episodes of Spongebob Squarepants, because even kids brand-new to the ‘hood that don’t even know my son are arriving by the pack.
When I look out the window, I notice that only my yard is full of grass-attackers. Why do they congregate here? Granted, I have a swing set, but I can’t be the only one. I check up on them every five minutes and scream at them for attempting to touch the garden hose/getting too near the car/getting too near the street/fucking up my bushes/fighting/calling names/looking funny. I know all of their names and have no problem reporting them to their respective mamas when they are evil. Surely there are less strongly policed places to play.
We do have lots of toys and a big backyard and I do occasionally let some of them in the house and feed them, so perhaps that’s the draw. I think I have fed all of them at some point or another. I can think of at least four that I have had as dinner guests for weeks on end. There are a couple whose parents owe me child support payments.
What these kids all have in common is that they’re loud. Children cannot speak in a normal voice outside. Once outside the door, their voices automatically rise about fifty decibels.
The same is true for me. Once the temperature rises to sixty, my voice rises about fifty decibels, too, for I must become accustomed to screaming out of the window every thirty seconds.
“J!! GET IN THE HOUSE, NOW!!”
“GET AWAY FROM MY CAR ANTENNA, NOW!!”
“DON’T PULL ON THE BUSHES!!”
“NO HITTING, OR YOU’RE GOING HOME!!”
“YOU HAVE TO SHARE!!”
“NO CALLING NAMES!! APOLOGIZE!!”
“I AM DER FUHRER!! BOW TO ME!!”
It gets so bad that I find myself still yelling at the end of the day long after the kids have gone home, when the J-Man is in the house and my mother has arrived home from work.
“HEY MOM, DO YOU WANT CHICKEN OR HAMBURGERS FOR DINNER??”
“J., GO GET IN THE SHOWER, NOW!!”
I can’t help it. My voice has to carry.
I like to think that it helps to make me a good karaoke singer, but I’m sure that the J-Man and my mom would like to duct tape my mouth shut.
Another good thing about this warm weather? The re-appearance of cheap grapes at the grocery store. I could eat grapes for every meal, every day, all week.
Happy Tuesday.
Go ye forth and find grapes.
LA wrote on 03/13/07 at 1:15 pm :
Excuse me, Gojira, but this size 12 ass totally rocked a 10 inch miniskirt last weekend. And I enjoy being 9 feet tall in my heels, but yes, I was accused of being a drag queen at the Italian restaurant. Happens so often I don’t even mind anymore. Wish you’d been out with us instead of horking in your room, it would have been the Attack of the Pseudo-Drag Queens! God, I can’t wait until Weet-4. Much love, ~LA
Steph wrote on 03/13/07 at 2:24 pm :
I think the policing might be why kids like playing in your yard - it’s somewhere that someone actually gives a shit what they’re doing.
Trish wrote on 03/14/07 at 2:07 am :
Don’t pull on the bushes. LOL.
Emma wrote on 03/14/07 at 4:59 am :
The drag queen risk factor is EXACTLY why I avoid heels at all cost… even in flats I am 6 feet. I always thought of it as genetics saving the weak-willed, because if I was six inches shorter I would absolutely be living on the streets in a cardboard box with my hundred pairs of beautiful girly shoes.
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