I Am Very Holy On This Sunday Afternoon.
March 18th, 2007 by Kevin
I passed out and cracked my eye on the coffee table, so now I have a lovely purple-and blue goose egg on my face and look like a Lifetime movie bitch.
“He didn’t mean it! He was aiming for the children and missed! He was drinking wood grain alcohol! He just loves me so much that he gets cuh-ray-zee! I’m sure he’ll never do it again, or that he’ll at least go for the throat so that we can try that whole ‘erotic asphyxiation’ thing.”
Imagine the Google hits I’m going to get from that little nugget.
What pisses me off more than anything when I pass out is that I’m not even drunk. If I were at least good and fucked up when I fell then I wouldn’t care, because then I suppose it would be worth it.
Yesterday was St. Pat’s, and I didn’t even go out and get my green beer on with the rest of the twits in their their thirties that were far too old to party with the early-twenties youngsters and wound up reeking of blatant desperation as they sat sloshed beyond all reason, perched precariously on corner barstools and accessorized with stupid Guinness mustaches, green plastic Mardi Gras beads, and frozen, over-eager grins.
I mean, what the shit? I wanted to exercise my God-given right to act like an ass.
That would have precipitated a worthy face-plant, but instead I sat home and watched some miserable-ass depressing Kyra Sedgwick movie that was enough to make you stick a fucking salad fork into your occipital lobe (my mom picked it out, I claim no responsibility, just trust me - don’t ever rent Loverboy), drank non-green three Miller Lites, and went to bed early.
Now I have a raging face-ache, I look like I’ve been the victim of domestic abuse at the hands of some pot-bellied, balding janitor named Larry; and I can’t seem to suppress the deep desire to scream “fuck you” at nearly everyone I come across, whether they deserve it or not (and sadly, most of them do).
To top it all off, everyone is being super-fucking-annoying this weekend, and I just don’t have the patience for any sort of whining, bitching, or irritation that is not my own.
I know it’s old, but I’ve been sick all week, and fuck this. I could not be less thrilled with life right now if I were covered in marshmallow Fluff and perched nude on a bed of fire ants.
I recognize the fact that I am being completely unfair and unreasonable, which is why I have decided not to talk to anyone until I have become a rational, sane, and moderately nice human being again.
Until then, everyone can fuck right off, taking their mamas with them.
Oh, and your Sunday can go blow itself, too.
I used to be really nice.
Seriously.
Ask anyone.
Laura (the Live) wrote on 03/18/07 at 6:37 pm :
Will it help if I echo your cries? Because I have been and will continue to do so!
Sometimes I think that March also just plainly fucks with everyone’s “good” nature (please note quotation marks–very important).
And green beer is overrated…
I will send positive healing vibes your way. And calm, soothing thoughts.
Don’t worry, I’ve already told myself to “fuck off” on your behalf!
Good night, my dear.
-Laura (the Live)
sooboo wrote on 03/18/07 at 9:56 pm :
“I were covered in marshmallow Fluff and perched nude on a bed of fire ants.”
Imagine the Google hits that will get you.
Julie wrote on 03/19/07 at 1:26 am :
Wow, what a great day I chose to visit your blog for the first time!! But I trust Golf Widow and I’m trying to figure out why you passed out without being drunk?? What am I missing??
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