“I’m Not A Witch…”
March 19th, 2007 by Kevin
Brownie points to you if you know what movie the title quote is from.
Golfwidow mentioned me in a podcast, so people coming here for the first time got to read the charming little diatribe below.
Nice, huh? If you’re just tuning in, I’m bitter. I’m so bitter that I make those bitches in The First Wives club look like happy little drooling preschoolers.
I kid. I’m actually sweeter than that creepy Dakota Fanning kid covered in hot fudge and skewered with maraschino cherries.
Yeeeeeeah.
Today I’m going to see an endocrinologist in order to make sure that there is nothing wrong with my hormones. This is because people that pass out due to crappy low blood pressure often have hormonal problems.
I don’t think the cardiologist appreciated it when I started panting and said, “There’s nothing wrong with my hormones! Fuck me!! I hate myself!! I’M SO FAT I WANT TO DIE!!! KISS ME, YOU FOOL!! GIVE ME SOME GHIRARDELLI SQUARES BEFORE I EAT YOUR FACE!! I AM AWESOME WOMAN, RULER OF THE NEFRORG GALAXY, AND YOU WILL BOW BEFORE ME!! YAAAAAARGH!!!”
No one likes my little jokes.
Actually I could see myself having some sort of hormonal problem, given the fact that lately I seem to break out in boils during my period, which has become so heavy that I could qualify as a natural disaster(TMI, sorry). So either I am being visited by plagues and can expect a rainfall of toads to arrive very soon, or perhaps all isn’t quite jiggy in the hormone department.
It would be pretty fucking great if all I needed was a shot of hormones to fix my shit up. However, I remain thoroughly pessimistic.
Upon relaying all this information to Bullshit (my boyfriend, for you new folks), I was told this joke:
How do you make a hormone?
Don’t pay her.
That Bullshit, he be one funny guy.
I am moderately less crabby today, but my face still looks like a Canadian sunset and I am still desirous of a biological weapon that could wipe out my entire neighborhood.
The neighbor kid’s older sister has been visiting on the weekends, and has taken to popping into my house. Often. For long periods of time. Inexplicably.
The child is sixteen and comes in to use the phone and the internet. The other day she asked me to do her hair. She also wanted to “do my makeup”, which I respectfully declined.
Next I think we’re going to paint our toenails and talk about boys.
So I am now feeding two kids from next door. I don’t put the teenager out because she’s actually a very nice kid and seems relatively harmless, plus I think she’s just bored to tears over at her mom’s house; but I honestly don’t know what the hell to do with a visiting sixteen-year-old. Especially one who seems to be into that weird R. Kelly-type booty music.
I have a very special sort of hatred for booty music. You know the type.
“Girl, let me lay you down,
lay you down on the ground,
let me rub that booty down,
give you herpes, infect the town
Sex you in my Escalade
Make you clean my platinum chains
we can drink some Kool-Aid
later after I get paid
(work that ass)
(do that thing)
(work that ass)
(do that thing)
Bet you didn’t know I was a producer in my spare, non-blogging, free time.
My son would listen to the booty music all day if I’d let him. Anything by a whiny rapper or a fourteen-year-old Mexican girl is alll riiiight with the J-Man. Unfortunately I do not believe that an eight-year-old (or anyone) needs to listen to that shit, so I am a Radio Nazi.
I mean, if he wants to listen to the Misfits, fine.
I have no problem with old-school rap. Good rap. Fuck this Rap Lite and these fucktarded, corn-rowed rappers with their stupid be-dazzled grills. Whose idea was it to wear these grill things anyway? They look about as ridiculous as someone wearing fake gold eyeballs. Give me a break.
Oh baby, oh baby, kiss me with your cubic zirconia-studded mouth.
Righty-O.
Happy Monday.
Kevin wrote on 03/19/07 at 12:00 pm :
“Give You Herpes, Infect the Town” will be the name of my first album. I have decreed it.
LA wrote on 03/19/07 at 2:07 pm :
The quote is from ‘The Princess Bride’. If it were ‘I’m not a witch at all’ it would be ‘Wizard of Oz’. This chick knows her witches, bay-bee.
And hormones? Just wait until you’re an old bat like me! Whoo! That rant you posted goes on in my head 24-7. Except it’s Lindt truffles for me. A personal choice every woman has to make on her own. ~LA
trancejen wrote on 03/19/07 at 3:50 pm :
Ah-ah-ah, the quote is from Monty Python’s In Search Of The Holy Grail.
jeremy wrote on 03/19/07 at 4:02 pm :
Unfair! I read it and wondered whether “I’m your wife” or “but you are dressed as one!” followed it, because that would have made it a little more clear.
Meg wrote on 03/19/07 at 5:32 pm :
I knew it was Monty Python, but then I wasn’t sure because maybe it was too easy….damn those tricky hormones!
Julie wrote on 03/19/07 at 5:48 pm :
Yeah, what’s up with The Grill’s? Who told people THAT looked cool?? Gold or Silver plated teeth? Teeth should NOT “bling.” I mean, is that what you do when you can’t get them white??
trancejen wrote on 03/19/07 at 8:17 pm :
oh yeah, I guess Princess Bride counts, too!! It could go either way. I’d forgotten about that scene!
carl wrote on 03/19/07 at 10:27 pm :
Jeezus woman! you are grossing me out and making me laugh too much at the same time! Don’t know why, but you touch on a lot of inner angst that many feel, but don’t express!
A face like a canadian sunset? Being from Canada that is just too vivid! LOL I feel for ya!
Allyson wrote on 03/20/07 at 6:08 am :
Damn. I just watched The Craft so I was gonna guess that one. My favorite Holy Grail quote is “King of the who?” I love that whole scene, really. Well, OK, the whole movie.
fredlet wrote on 03/20/07 at 7:12 pm :
yeah, my first reaction was the Princess Bride at first as well… you didn’t mention ANYTHING about a carrot.
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What’s the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can’t hear an enzyme!
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