Spring Cometh Not and Hatred of the Body.
April 11th, 2007 by Kevin
It snowed last night.
I would officially like to register a complaint with the universe regarding the lunacy of Chicago weather.
In other news, I have been again hitting the floor with frightening regularity but have not bothered to go and see the cardiologist due to both my fear of a pacemaker and my acceptance of the shit, which borders on apathy.
Passed out again? Well hell, it must be a day ending in Y! La-dee-freakin’-da.
This is mulish and probably quite stupid, but what can I say - I’m there. I’m sick of doctors. I am so thoroughly sick of doctors that I would rather attempt to deal with this on my own. I stopped taking seizure medication due to the fact that my seizures are supposedly Heartfuck-related spasms and whatnot (I still don’t understand this worth a shit), so I’m off most medication at this point. If I go back in to the doctor, I will just get loaded up on drugs again.
I’m finally starting to feel a little mentally clearer from being off of the Topamax, which always made me a little foggy. I don’t want to get thrown back on something else that will cloud up my head. Plus being on a scant eight or nine pills per day instead of the assload I was taking before is really refreshing.
I’ll probably pay for this at some point, but my feeling is that most of the medication I’ve been on hasn’t resolved any of these problems, so why should I take it? I am not feeling any worse without it and am enjoying the lack of side effects.
I’m also waiting for the blood test results that I will receive next week from the endocrinologist. I still feel that the man is largely full of crap thanks to this bullshit, but I am interested to see whether all my little hormones are moaning like the proper whores they are and whether my blood is giving any clues about my current state.
I’m unreasonably hot. This was once explained to me by the cardiologist, and apparently it has something to do with my nerves and their inability to allow my body to regulate its temperature. I am freakishly cold to the touch - so much so that I once had to lie under warming lamps for a half an hour in order to have an EMG; yet I feel like I am boiling alive.
Whatever the reason, my mom and I are fighting over the thermostat like rabid wolverines attacking the same scrap of meat.
I don’t want the thermostat set over 67, because I am ready to spontaneously combust. My mother, who has no blood and weighs approximately forty-five pounds, is always freezing and cranks that bitch up the second she arrives home. We often reach the point in which harsh words are exchanged over what the proper temperature in the house should be.
I may or may not have fantasized about locking her skinny, bloodless ass in the bathroom while duct-taping the thermostat buttons in place and yelling, “SO THERE! HAHAHAHAHA!!”.
Instead, I am using a small tabletop fan in order to prevent overheating. I tend to pass out more when I am feeling hot, so I think it’s warranted. I’m sure the neighborhood kids who visit wonder why the hell J.’s mom is wearing shorts and a tank top and lying on the couch with a fan aimed at her head when it’s thirty degrees outside, but let them wonder.
I’m sure it’s not the strangest thing they’ve witnessed in this house.
It’s really hard for me not to develop a “fuck-it-all” attitude lately. I’m angry about my health. I’m bored. I’m sick of sitting in the house, but I’ve been unable to do much else. As much as I want to get moving, my body is not cooperating.
I also feel lately like I am a big fat loser who is contributing nothing to society. I am accomplishing nothing. I have no career, and it is eating away at me. Every bone in my body wants to work. I miss working so much lately that it aches. Putzing around on this blog seems completely ridiculous to me and I long for something constructive to do.
I can’t swing it, though. I can hardly get off of the couch, and it’s maddening. I have no answer for “What did you do today?” I have nothing to write. I am tired of dealing with my shitty health.
It’s hard not to feel like a useless bag of crap when you’re completely unproductive. It’s also hard not to feel as if I’m a poor influence on my son, who sees me being completely inactive, out of shape, and stagnant.
When it comes to parenting, I always envisioned myself as Busy Working Parent. For the first couple years of my son’s life I juggled working fifty-plus hours with taking care of him, and it worked well for us. I had a happy, healthy kid and a decent job. I was in perpetual motion and I loved it. I felt that I was a good influence on my son because I was motivated and driven.
To feel so useless and purposeless is painful. I never get used to it, no matter how long I’ve been off of work, which has been a long fucking time at this point.
Please note that I’m not looking for advice or having a pity party. I am just venting, releasing a little steam before it blows up in my head.
I hate saying “I can’t, I’m sick,” more than I ever thought possible. It makes me feel deeply ashamed and horribly angry. However, I find myself saying just that an awful lot. I am unable to push through this. If I try to, I wind up feeling worse, physically. I wind up on the floor, even more exhausted that I was to begin with.
I can’t get over the shame of being here, doing nothing. I can’t get over the feeling that I should be able to fight my body off and Just Get Over It.
This gets me nowhere. It gets me impossibly frustrated, and that’s about all.
When my eating disorder bullshit was at its worst, I used to envision unzipping my body as if it were a fat suit and stepping out of it perfectly thin and lovely, the way I wanted myself to look. I feel that now - the heavy longing to kick this crappy, poorly-functioning body off to the side and allow my real body (which of course would be perfectly healthy as well as in perfect shape) to come out.
I think I would give absolutely anything for that to happen. I spent a long, long time cultivating disgust for my body due to its outward appearance and superficial physical imperfections. Now I have started to loathe my body due to what it is doing to fuck up my life, or more accurately, what it is not doing. Add both together and you have an extremely deep-seated hatred.
I want out.
Sometimes it’s hard not to beat myself with my fists and scream. Today is one of those days.
Julie wrote on 04/11/07 at 9:36 am :
No advice here. Hope tomorrow is a better day!!
Kevin wrote on 04/11/07 at 10:21 am :
Here’s a solution to one of your problems: simply re-install the thermostat so that it’s six feet off the floor. She’s tiny; she’d never be able to reach it.
fredlet wrote on 04/11/07 at 11:26 am :
love you! write a book for me!
michael wrote on 04/11/07 at 12:03 pm :
Install one of those plexiglass sheilds over the thermostat that has a lock & needs a key to open it to adjust temperature. keep the only copy. Or walk around nekkid. You can only take off so much; she can put on layers.
also: hugs.
Emma wrote on 04/11/07 at 2:12 pm :
Heh. I foresee some serious comedy coming from the naked suggestion. If she ain’t gonna put more clothes on, you have no choice but to take ‘em all off, right? As a six foot freak with limbs so long I have popsicles for fingers, I side with you.
Also, being fabulous (in a non gay fashion) as you are may not be the most productive thing ever, but seriously, I love you.
Nightowl wrote on 04/11/07 at 4:44 pm :
Is it me or does topamax look like a strange spelling of tampax?
Just random crap coming out of my head.
By the way, if you cant beat the misery, you could always enjoy it. Like House. You need to start being cranky towards everyone and deduct insightful yet mean observations.
Again, just random crap coming out of my head.
Rumblelizard wrote on 04/12/07 at 9:05 am :
Babe, this isn’t advice, but…okay, fuckit, it’s kind of advice. Please try Second Life. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but please, just try it. You can build things and sell them, or speculate in real estate, or do anything, anything you want. You can look like a supermodel or a little green elf or an octopus or anything, anything you want. I’m building and selling mid-century modern furniture and DJing at nightclubs. Email me if you’d like to try it. It’s not a cure, but at least it’ll give you something interesting and creative and constructive to do while you’re stuck in the house. I bet, given a little time and practice, you could kick some ass at building and designing stuff. It’s not easy, but boy howdy, it’s fun. But it would be up to you….you could just hang out and be fabulous or go shopping (you can shop like an heiress on SL for literally pennies) or just explore…it’s huge…it’s crazy…it’s fun as hell. Just email me, OK?
Rumblelizard wrote on 04/12/07 at 9:06 am :
http://www.secondlife.com
Sheryl wrote on 04/12/07 at 12:03 pm :
OK, no pity party or advice. But I understand where you are, and I know it sucks.
And BTW trying to get Secondlife to run on my relatively new and powerful laptop turned out to be a multi-day, multi-tech-support disaster and I finally gave up. Very disappointing!
Kimberly wrote on 04/13/07 at 8:26 am :
Huge metaphysical hug. You answered my “problem” in the previous comment. I think you should have your own internet advice column and charge people per question.
Rumblelizard wrote on 04/13/07 at 11:34 am :
Damn, sorry Sheryl…I didn’t have any problems. Is it a Mac laptop? I don’t know, they might have changed things since I signed up in October of last year…
dom wrote on 04/13/07 at 12:36 pm :
I don’t understand the irrational fear of a pace-maker. What’s that about?
Kungfukitten wrote on 04/15/07 at 4:33 am :
To answer Dom’s question for you, three words : Open Heart Surgery. I would be scared too, but if it keeps you from falling down it might be worth it. However, I think you’re being smart about putting it off until you know and understand 100% what’s wrong with you. If they’re just guessing at a diagnosis and treatment that’s a whole other thing. You know?
You didn’t want advice, so consider this a form of flattery. I think you are very creative and have excellent writing skills. I would pay to read a novel you wrote. Consider writing a page a day and by the end of the year you’d have a huge awesome manuscript. It really makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something.
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