Bodily Hatred, Part 2.
April 13th, 2007 by Kevin
Last night I read Kim Chernin’s The Obsession - Reflections On the Tyranny of Slenderness, which was interesting if a little painful to digest.
It’s comforting, in a way, to read about weight obsession from someone else’s point of view because it’s always nice to see that someone gets it, but at the same time it smarts to think that so many women are filled with so much shame.
It’s a deep shame, the shame brought on by harsh judgment of the body. It brings with it at times white-hot anger that flares and then simmers under one’s skin.
I sat and tried to remember a time in which I wasn’t concerned with my weight, an age in which I was just a little girl who could not have cared less what she ate or how she looked, and I sadly came up empty. I don’t remember ever not caring, not wanting to appear as if I had an appetite, not feeling that I was taking up too much space, not being terrified of fat as if it were cancer.
I do remember eating - I always remember eating, rebelliously at times, asking for a slice of birthday cake that tantalized with its sickly sweet frosting and piped yellow roses and then later feeling guilty, tasting the rice pudding my mother made, thick with raisins; hardly tasting the greasy McDonald’s hamburgers I surreptitiously obtained through the drive-thru window before throwing them up in a bag in my car.
I remember eating. I still thrill at food - the very badness of it, the guilty pleasure in eating something really bad like thick, cheesy pizza, a corn dog, or a sumptuous brownie, moist and rich. I still take pleasure in these things from time to time, but always afterward there is the shame, the loud inner critic who cannot believe I just ate that, the sense that my ass is visibly expanding due to my indulgence.
I’m so far from alone. I live in an age in which diet, low-carb, and fat-free products are a way of life for a hefty percentage of women, even though we’re told that ninety-eight percent of dieters gain back lost weight.
I have been up and down the scale, everywhere from a hundred and eight to two hundred and fifty pounds. I have tasted the bitter, dubious pleasure of being Too Thin and I have felt the gripping shame of being Too Fat.
From the way I have been treated I always guessed that the two Jens were vastly different creatures. According to what I perceived, Too Thin Jen was viewed with grudging admiration, a little jealousy, a little fear, and a lot of desire - desire to know the Secret of Thinness, desire to belong to the cult of the anorexic, desire to touch the childlike body and perhaps envelop its cold, unpadded frame due to the fact that it was and is a status symbol to have a sticklike woman on one’s arm.
As Too Fat Jen I have simultaneously felt both invisible and overwhelmed by the harsh scrutiny of others. I have felt unattractive and unwomanly, hidden from view by the alien flesh, erased from the sexual realm, mocked for my obvious weakness, and devoid of any sort of positive character traits other than being “funny”.
As both Thin and Fat Jen, I have felt enormous pressure - the pressure to maintain my thin weight and the pressure to lose my fat, the pressure induced by friends’ well-meaning but strangely hurtful comments (You’ve lost weight, you look great! Keep it up!), the pressure of having to eat like a bird when I’ve wanted to eat like a person.
At every weight, I have hated my body. I know my own body better than I could ever know any lover’s physique. I know its every curve and bulge and flat plane, the white skin marbled with blue veins, the scars, the moles, the tattoos, the texture of the hair and skin, the muscles, the fat, all of it. I know it so well because I have looked at it with such utter loathing, memorizing all of its perceived defects and constantly scrutinizing its imperfections with the eye of a damning critic.
I have looked, and found that it was not good.
This has produced a desire to eradicate my own flesh that has chased me for over two decades, a desire that has often and unbelievably surpassed my desire to live within my own flawed flesh. I have not been a body. I have possessed a body in the way that one possesses a thing, a thing that was worthy of scorn and derision, a thing that had to be modified to be of any worth, a thing that always, always came up short of the unreachable goal of perfection.
Obsessing about one’s weight is not a hobby for most people - it’s a full-time profession. I do not go anywhere without feeling my shape and attempting to minimize it, and I do not eat anything without thinking about what it could do to me. Food is an enemy, harmful and perhaps even deadly. Food is something to be eaten with extreme caution and eating it makes me subject to much guilt - after all, who feels comfortable with their own self-destruction?
I recently gained about twenty pounds, twenty pounds I had previously lost, weight that seemed to slip back upon me stealthily in the night, leaving me facing the scale every morning with horror.
I have been depressed. During depressive episodes I am prone to either fits of wild, unfettered eating or starvation. This time I have been eating. I have been eating cookies, candy, fast food, pizza. I have been eating five or six times per night, quietly sneaking into the refrigerator at midnight to scan its contents, hoping I will not be heard in all my gluttony. I have been eating without even tasting my food, simply shoving it down in an effort to fill a void and rid myself of an aching emptiness.
I am wearing my fat jeans, but the first thing I see when I open my closet are the skinny jeans, which mock me relentlessly. Fat cow. Weak pig. Lazy tub of lard.
I pepper myself with epithets that I would not say to my worst enemy. I berate myself in a way I was never berated as a child. The anger comes easily and I feel satisfied when I direct it upon myself. After all, I deserve this scorn.
I deserve this.
I don’t know why I do - that is something that I have never been able to answer to my satisfaction even after a lifetime of queries - but I do.
I don’t know why my relative happiness depends on the number that flashes on the digital scale, but it does.
All I know is that thin is good and fat is bad and that I must, I must, I must comply to the strict regulations I have set for myself; or the consequences will be dire.
It gets exhausting, thinking this way. It is extremely tiring to shake oneself by the shoulders for years on end.
I can read a piece of feminist literature and silently agree that yes, a lot of this is fueled by the media and certainly, my parents have played a big part in how I perceive myself and absolutely, I believe that the patriarchy has attempted to keep women small and hungry and without power.
Still, at the end of the day I remain a person who hates fat and fears food, and nothing I read, no matter how eloquent, changes that.
I somehow doubt that anything could change my mind, which is a one-track operation running down the wrong track.
It would be nice to make peace with food. It would be nice to look at my C-sectioned stomach with pride, knowing that I brought a baby into the world through that stomach, but I don’t. I look at it as an abomination. It would be great to look at my hips and thighs and believe that I am lush and curvy and beautiful, but instead all I see are masses of fat cells, scores of tiny failures, pounds of food I should not have eaten.
I know very well that my perceptions are skewed, but that doesn’t make them go away.
In a perfect world, we would all feel comfortable in bathing suits and grin at ourselves happily in dressing-room mirrors and roll around with lovers feeling as if we are goddesses; but the reality is that most women are never going to get there.
If you do or have, I envy you. To me it seems an impossible dream.
Perhaps one day I will eat a piece of cake and look at it as a simple piece of cake, made of sugar and flour and oil and what have you, innocuous.
Until then I fear the cake and also my desire for it.
I am five foot eleven and one hundred and eighty pounds. This is considered to be mildly overweight. Still, in my mind I am a huge mass - the obese person that attracts stares in the grocery store, the child mocked at recess, a disappointment to myself and others.
I also know that if I weighed a hundred and twenty pounds - unquestionably thin - I would feel exactly the same. It’s never enough. Losing weight and denying food become such obsessions that the thirst for thin is never quenched.
I feel like I have spent a lifetime being thirsty, a lifetime in the grip of this thing, this hateful longing.
Sometimes it makes me feel unbelievably tired.
If I could wish for all women to be satisfied, to look at their bodies as beautiful and never waste a single second freaking out about their stomachs, legs, asses, and have this wish magically granted, I would.
To imagine this is heady stuff.
If you are like me and have spent a very large chunk of your life thinking about these things, do this for me: Just imagine, for once, that it doesn’t matter. To you, to anyone.
It would be amazing, wouldn’t it?
Happy Friday.
Andria wrote on 04/13/07 at 10:08 am :
Wow, that was beautifully said. I have been fat my entire life, so “thin” has always been a dream out of my reach. I thought that if I could just be thin, my life would be perfect. But, I’ve learned that even the thin girls are spending just as much time obsessing about everything that goes in their mouths, too. Thin is not my dream anymore. My dream is to go ONE DAY and not think and worry about food.
Kis/Christine wrote on 04/13/07 at 10:59 am :
I tried to imagine…yet I couldn’t. That made me want to cry.
Rae wrote on 04/13/07 at 12:18 pm :
I’ve always had it in my had somehow that when I’m thin, my problems will magically go away. Which is just as reasonable as saying that if I get thin, physics will no longer apply to me, and I will be able to fly.
I was a chubby kid. Normal kid-chubby. If I hadn’t somehow gotten it into my head that I was fat, maybe I would have grown out of the chubby stage. But my best friend at the time was from a skinny family, and in an argument “Fat” always came up. She knew it would win her the argument. It’s such a horrible word, “Fat”. I guess one doesn’t aquire more fat cells, the cells themselves simply get larger. I think thats what happens in the mind, too. The word “Fat” keeps growing and growing until it has attached to every thought.
I admire other “voluptous” women who embrace their curves. And some days, for a moment, I can think “Wow, you look amazing in those pants” or whatever. My friends and I joke about admiring my behind. That even if I weighed 98lbs, 40 of it would be in my backside. The butt does not need a prop. I even wrote an essay about how awesome my rear is and posted it in a friend’s blog as a guest entry. Because I guess my hope is that if maybe I can convince other people that I’m not disgusting, that I am indeed loveable despite my weakness, they will be laughing with me instead of at me.
Somedays I don’t mind. But usually, I don’t recongize myself in the mirror or in pictures. “That can’t be me. I can’t be that enormous.” Because in my head, I look normal. I don’t look like me right now. I don’t feel like me. I can’t stand how my face feels when it moves when I eat, especially in public. I eat too fast, to get the process over with.
But, somedays. Somedays I’ve got the right dress, or the right friends or something, and it doesn’t matter. When I visit my friends in a different city, I tend to lose a pound or two over a weekend. Because while sometimes it’s hard to have skinny friends, I know they truely aren’t judging me on my appearance. They find me loveable. I need to keep them in my pocket, I think.
Anyway, after that horribly rambly comment, thank you for posting this. I’m glad someone else out there gets it too.
trancejen wrote on 04/13/07 at 12:48 pm :
I totally understand the photo thing - not recognizing yourself in photos.
I don’t see myself the way I look, either. I look at photos and think, who is that girl with the fat face, the double chin, the fat neck! Or I think, I can’t possibly look like that person. Obviously someone’s camera was jacked up.
It’s hard to look at myself, period. I try to avoid it these days.
suzanna danna wrote on 04/13/07 at 1:34 pm :
“I also know that if I weighed a hundred and twenty pounds - unquestionably thin - I would feel exactly the same. It’s never enough.”
Fuck. Exactly.
I can remember being in the 5th grade, what is that 10 years old? Scooting forward in my little plastic public school issued orange chair so my thighs wouldn’t spread. At. Ten.
Kat wrote on 04/13/07 at 2:18 pm :
Oh, my girl…I could have written those words myself. I don’t think a day in my life has gone by where I wasn’t obsessing, one way or another, about food, fat, weight, size, fat, fat, and more fat. All that obsession has only made me fatter. I hate myself most days for my weakness and gluttony. I hate myself for hating myself. I know I deserve more out of life. Once in a blue moon, I surprise myself that a half hour has gone by where I wasn’t thinking about my weight. It’s exhausting. I feel your pain. Thanks for sharing it so eloquently. It somehow helps to know that I’m not alone in my obsession.
LA wrote on 04/14/07 at 12:27 am :
Guess with so many other things to REALLY hate myself for and obsess about, my fat was only loathed. I stopped myself from doing fun things and I wore terible clothes when I was fat, sure, but I saved the grinding weary contempt for my lousy personality and huge failures of character. Maybe I knew deep down my fat was controllable, but my sucky inner self could never be dieted away. Now I am not fat nor sucky to myself. The peace of it is stupefying. If I could I’d give everyone this feeling. I know I can’t, but I can wish the right life path will bring you here. ~LA
sethra wrote on 04/14/07 at 1:39 am :
I hate my body and every roll of fat on it. I’ve always known I was fat and I’ve always been fat. I did the same thing as you, Suzanna Danna, scooching up to the edge of the seat so my thighs wouldn’t spread. But even hanging loose, they were bigger than the girl’s next to me. I would have WLS in a second, if there was an insurance company in Texas that covered it. ANYTHING.
ginny wrote on 04/14/07 at 7:47 am :
Thanks so much for writing this. It’s amazing how much of a weird comfort it is to read someone else expressing many of the terrible things I also feel and am and do.
Pacer wrote on 04/14/07 at 9:02 am :
“I have not been a body. I have possessed a body in the way that one possesses a thing…”
I can REALLY relate to this. Thank you for writing it.
JP wrote on 04/14/07 at 1:06 pm :
To Suzanna Danna - I did that, too, at that age! And, I still scoot forward in chairs or cross my legs so that nobody sees the “spread” of my thighs.
I have been too thin, too heavy, and in between it all. And, I do believe people respond to me differently when I am thinner. People always commented more on how lovely and pretty I was or how great I looked, people were friendlier, and men would hold doors open me out in public. I am only 15-20lbs out of my weight range since I quit smoking 2 years ago, but people act differently now. Gone are the comments on how lovely or pretty I am or how great I look, people aren’t as friendly in passing, and nobody holds the doors open for me anymore.
It makes me sad that 15-20lbs alone could make that much of a difference. I am so tired of hating myself everyday because of it. I am tired of feeling worthless because of my skin. And you said it all much better than I possibly could.
Julie wrote on 04/14/07 at 1:20 pm :
Thank you for your total honesty and I think you have touched many with it, myself included. I was once 110 pounds and at five feet tall, I still felt like a house. I hated myself then. Heavier now, (we share someting, you and I) and still five feet tall, I still hate my body but I learning to love myself regardless. I find that I can’t work on my physical self if my emotional self is out of whack, which it was for YEARS. I started getting used to being heavy, because I felt I’m attractive enough, and funny, and well, married. I make the round of “Skinny Girls are for Wimps” and such, but when I met someone who said, “I really like big women.” It about broke me in half and I cried for days. I see myself in the mirror, but do others see me that way also?
I claim to not ever want to be that 110 pound girl again, but in truth, it seems like a goal too far to reach. Of course I would, but would also be quite pleased at a curvy 140.
And yes, there are days that task seems equally overwhelming.
Thanks Jen. I’m with ya sister!!!
Kungfukitten wrote on 04/15/07 at 4:25 am :
Yes, I can relate to everything you wrote about. In fact everything written above this too. I’m still obsessed with my weight and feel that everything will be all right if I could just get into the 120s, or the 110s or how about an even 100? Also, when you’re depressed and craving those sugary and starchy foods it’s an attempt to self medicate, not just have a comforting full feeling, but starchy carbs and sugars release serotonin into your brain just like antidepressants do. I hear ya and luv ya just the way you are! Remember that.
awittykitty wrote on 04/15/07 at 5:58 pm :
I’ve always used food for companionship. What has it given back? High cholestral. Potential for heart disease. A reason for my mother’s constant stream of fat comments which made me hate myself well into adulthood. I just ignore it now. The weight that is. The self hatred? That’s why I have a diary on diaryland.
Amanda wrote on 04/16/07 at 11:37 am :
I could’ve written that entry. And I almost teared up as read the part about you not being able to remember a time when you didn’t worry about what you ate. My daughter, age 8, had a stomach virus this past weekend. I cringed last night when she said “I bet I’ve lost a couple of pounds mom”… and she ran to the scales. She has obviously learned this behavior from me, and my obsession with my weight. And I’d give anything if I could take it all back and start over again. To teach her to love herself no matter what. But I can’t. And sadly, I carry the burden for her as well. I constantly worry about her weight issues as well as my own. I thought I had hidden this from her. But obviously not.
artgnome wrote on 04/16/07 at 2:26 pm :
We have so much in common, Jen. I agree that I could’ve written this myself. I’ve been 98lbs and over 200lbs. I’ve been a beautiful 21 year old girl and slobbered over and now an ignored over 40 woman. I have made peace with my body, the one nobody wants. It’s being decorated with tattoos and no one when I die will be able to say it wasn’t well used. I focus now on having a beautiful soul. People that only judge me for my body are assholes that I don’t want to know anyway. I’m an award-winning artist, finally becoming happy with myself and those who don’t like it can kiss my size 18 ass!
You are beautiful Jen. A physical beauty, an amazing writer, and a good, good mom. Tell the fat to shut up and enjoy who you are.
I will be painting you soon and will send you pics as I get your portrait done. best to you and the J-man.
Beth wrote on 04/16/07 at 5:57 pm :
“It would be nice to make peace with food. It would be nice to look at my C-sectioned stomach with pride, knowing that I brought a baby into the world through that stomach, but I don’t. I look at it as an abomination.”
Yes, Yes mee too! Get out of my head… out of my full-length mirror, damn it! Wow. I could go for a day where it did not matter to me - Amazing it would be. I remember being 7 and a neighborhood boy told me I had sausage fingers. I still look at my hands and see pigs-in-a-blanket. I was not even partucularly pudgy at that time. I seriously do not remember a time in my life no matter what age, that I did not hate my body. I could never say to anyone else the things I say to me.
Allyson wrote on 04/17/07 at 7:40 am :
Having never been obsesses with my weight, I am outside looking in. I just wanted to share that my boyfriend and I were watching TV this weekend, and we saw a commercial (Dove soap, or something?) that had normal women posing in their underwear like Victoria Secret models. They were shapely women, with pudgy tummies, and normal breasts. I watched it proud of those women for doing the modeling, and proud of the sponsor for hiring them. I was thinking it must take a lot of guts to do that on TV. Then I looked over at my boyfriend. He was flushed with excitement, and uttered, “That was the hottest commercial I’ve ever seen.”
Like I said I’ve never had a body image issue (unless you count hating your hair and just always feeling like it never looks acceptable), but I thought that maybe if more women in your situation knew that guys thought that, that they not only like, but prefer women who have healthy looking bodies, bodies with flaws, and scars and everything else… maybe it would help. I hope it does. Because, Jen, I’ve seen pictures of you, and I’ve been reading you for a long time, and believe me, you are beautiful - outside and in!
lux wrote on 04/18/07 at 4:12 am :
You’ve been tagged.
DMorgan wrote on 04/18/07 at 2:40 pm :
All I can do is nod. Well written Jen, as always.
Katie wrote on 04/19/07 at 11:39 am :
Incredibly well put and incredibly true for some many of us. Thank you!
Yes,Exactly wrote on 04/20/07 at 2:17 pm :
Yes, yes, a thousand times YES.
I started to write something that was rapidly sounding pro-ana, and since I Never, Ever want to feed into that: I’m not sure anything feels more frustrating than the shame of people staring at you when you’re too thin, balanced against the shame of feeling bad that you’re NOT so skinny that people stare, or the fervent desire to JUST EAT like a normal person- not like a bird, not like a long-haul trucker who hasn’t seen food for two days…just, to eat because I’m hungry and stop because I’m full. An entirely foreign concept. I could just as easily sprout wings and fly like a bird.
mumbly wrote on 04/21/07 at 2:20 am :
Yes it would!
But what I found more amazing was 1714 words and the courage to express them. Mother effin beautiful. Much like you.
Take care,
Michael
caradawn wrote on 04/21/07 at 9:19 am :
your understanding - and that of others - touches me, even through its truthful sadness.
never enough is a hard battle to fight, always there in the morning, always there.
Cosmic wrote on 04/30/07 at 9:08 am :
I have never been where you are. But I went up to 168 years ago and then went on Atkins. I dropped down to 132 in 3 months. I wanted to lose another 10 pounds, but everyone was telling me to stop losing. They said I was getting too thin. I realized then how easy it would be to fall in that, “Just a few pounds more.” mode. I would be happy now just to get back down to 135. I just feel better at that weight. As far as how I look, fortunately, I am one that can honestly say it doesn’t matter to me. If my body body bothers anyone else, they can feel free to look the fuck somewhere else. I wish that for you someday. I Can’t offer advice because obviousley I would be talking out of my ass, having no clue as to why you feel this way. I wish I were more help.
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