The Patrons of Chez Crazy, Part II.
June 11th, 2007 by trancejen
If you missed it, the previous entry fills you in on The Not Just Your Garden Variety Smartass Sto’. Go spend some dough at The Sto’. New merchandise to be added soon.
I told the story of my nut house roommate to my girl Luvabeans yesterday; and it was only then that I realized how truly fucking scary it was, having previously just accepted it as par for the course. I meet weird people.
My roommate was middle-aged, blonde, and an ex-con. I found this out while she was in the lunch room, bawdily swapping jail stories with another former inmate.
I’m sure I probably don’t need to tell you that this filled me with no small amount of fear.
I’m not sure what the etiquette standard is when it comes to asking about jail. Is it considered gauche to ask what somebody was in for? I don’t know!
I didn’t want to step on any toes, obviously, so I kept my mouth shut for the first few days, but eventually my curiosity got the best of me and I sidled up to her and said, “So…um… what did you, um, go to jail for?”
*horrible pregnant pause in which I imagined my death at the hands of a shiv whittled from a mental institution-issued plastic spoon*
“I hit my husband in the head with a claw hammer.”
Oh. My. Shit.
Here is a shining testament to exactly how stupid I am - the only thing I could think of to say at the precise moment was this:
“Did you hit him with the hammer end or the claw end?”
Yeah.
And of course:
“The claw end.”
Dear Father in Heaven preserve me.
It wasn’t actually that bad. He was beating the hell out of her; and apparently she finally decided she’d had Enough like Jennifer Lopez, snatched his toolbox, and *crack*.
Ew.
She’d have gotten off, too, due to a stack of 911 records; if not for this: When called before the judge, she was given the opportunity to repent.
“Yeah. He asked me if I meant to. He said, ‘I know you didn’t really mean to’. I said, ‘Hell yeah, I meant it!!’”
Therefore she got 180 days. Easy time for sinking a claw hammer into someone’s head. Not easy time for a lifetime of getting the shit beat out of you.
She was an unapologetic racist. I have never in my life heard someone use the word jigaboo. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? This isn’t rural Alabama. Porch monkey? My God. J. Love, the Olympic eater I spoke about a couple of entries back, was a frequent recipient of her venom.
“I’m gonna smack that porch monkey.”
Unreal. Absolutely unreal.
These are the people in your neighborhood, folks.
Be very afraid.
Happy Monday. My son is at vacation Bible school learning all about Jeeeeeeesus.
Lola wrote on 06/11/07 at 11:05 am :
Ooh, am I first to comment?
Anyway, the roommate does sound kind of scary. The racist stuff I’m actually not all that surprised by, I have a social friend who appears to be a very modern, open-minded person until once in a while when a horribly racist zinger comes flying out of her mouth. I feel like I have to duck every time, it’s so horrible and disturbing. At least she is self aware enough to not do it in front of the kids (hers or mine.
I’m curious to know what the J-Man thinks about VBS. Is it all Jesus, all the time?
Hope you are well.
Lola wrote on 06/11/07 at 11:09 am :
Another thing. Lest anyone think I choose to hang out with the racist social friend mentioned above, I would like the record to reflect that the only reason I ever see her is because her husband is my husband’s best friend since sandbox days.
That is all.
trancejen wrote on 06/11/07 at 12:31 pm :
AT vbs they basically do crafts and shit and sing songs and just screw around, it’s not like School, per se. It’s fun, he enjoys it.
Bozoette Mary wrote on 06/11/07 at 3:00 pm :
Your question seems perfectly reasonable to me - I mean, I’d wanna know which end to look out for!
Lola wrote on 06/11/07 at 6:21 pm :
Good to hear about the VBS thing. I’m glad that J’s having fun with it.
My parents actually sent us to all the local VBS when we were kids (I think because they didn’t want us around all summer whining about how we had nothing to do.) We even went to the non-Catholic VBS programs, and they my very dim recollection is that the Protestant ones were way more laid back. At the Catholic one we actually put on plays inspired by biblical stories, which now kind of creeps me out to remember it.
Later!
jae wrote on 06/12/07 at 2:48 am :
Heh, I’m married to a black man who has family in Alabama. During Christmas time last year I kept calling our son ‘Little Monkey’ as in ‘Curious George’ who he just loves and he is just as curious as. But E finally asked me if I was calling him a ‘Porch Monkey’. He got kind of obnoxous about it. Hu? He had to explain it to me which indicated I would not be so cruel to my child OR TO BE RUDE TO MY HUSBAND! Duh, dummy. I am one of those neive who thinks harmony is our world, then someone wakes me up. ~j
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