Afraid of the Dark.
June 12th, 2007 by trancejen
Know what was in my head this morning as I woke up?
“SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE, UNCLE FUCKERRRRR!”
Apparently I require further professional help.
You know, I make plenty of jokes about the nut house and being mental, etc., etc.; but the truth is that being institutionalized was really fucking scary, the whole experience still scares me; and knowing that I really needed to be institutionalized is probably the scariest thing of all.
More than anything, I fear the dark.
Not the dark that comes at night - that dark is innocuous, a mere repositioning of the sun, science.
I fear the dark that comes when I have migraine attacks. This, too, may be science; but it isn’t the kind of science I can wrap my head around. (Ironic.)
The vision in my working eye is correctable to 20/200, and sometimes during migraine attacks that vision goes swirling directly down the shitter, leaving me unable to see my son’s face or my own hands or sometimes even the sun, leaving me gasping, breathing like I am running, running so fast, trying to run from this smothering thing that is blinding me, this horrible choking thing that might last for hours or days or weeks or forever, this thing that leaves me tremble-handed and shaky-kneed and slow.
That kind of dark I cannot deal with.
The other kind of dark is the kind that creeps slowly into my mind, the kind that makes me do irrational things like lie in my bed and listen to the Johnny Cash version of Hurt over and over and over (trite, I know) or drag a blade across my arm or eat to bursting only to watch the food rush out in an an acidic flood moments later.
This is the dark that whispers “Die,” with such regularity that I start to wonder why I am still alive. It is a dark I can smell, taste, and feel on my skin like grease that won’t be scrubbed away.
It is so very seductive, in its way.
I suppose one definition of madness could be this: being afraid of one’s own mind with good reason.
Last night I rearranged the furniture in the TranceCave three times before I realized what I was really doing - I was trying to get access to the lone window in the room, a small window that has always been obstructed by bookshelves.
This morning I woke up and the sunlight streamed through it. It was beautiful.
Happy Tuesday.
Julie wrote on 06/12/07 at 8:24 am :
I just got all caught up. What a scary experience but I am glad to hear you are feeling better, in that ‘I’ve been sick’ sort of way.
Connie wrote on 06/12/07 at 1:09 pm :
I thought I was the only one that put “Hurt” on repeat. Actually I was probably worse as I always insisted on watching the Cash video over and over on the computer.
Whoever thought of having him cover that song was a genius.
Milla wrote on 06/12/07 at 7:42 pm :
Hey
can I disagree with you in a way. I think real madness is when you are no longer afraid of your mind, whenever it’s acting weird and don’t question things anymore. trust me, that feeling of fear is the true sign of sanity. and it will help you pull through the toughest times! I’m also glad to hear the light is back for you again 
p.s. I just thought that you might be interested in this art project: www.philinthecircle.com/Studiolive.html. This young artist is creating an artwork by writing down our thoughts on what changed our lives. if you have the time, check the details on Info page. it’s fun to be a part of art
Laura (the Live) wrote on 06/12/07 at 8:57 pm :
I do the “Hurt” thing too…the worst song, though, is Gary Jules’ cover of Mad World (from Donnie Darko). Whenever I start to, uh, slip this song goes on repeat along with “Hurt” and any other ridiculously sad, morbid, melancholic song I can get my hands on.
This list will make you laugh at yourself, trust me: http://www.spinner.com/2007/05/03/the-25-most-exquisitely-sad-songs-in-the-whole-world-no-25
And you know what, I’m scared of the dark, too. But as soon as I laugh I begin to pull myself up and out of it. So I make it a habit to laugh at everything–even if it is absolutely absurd! Call me giggle mcgiggle–but it keeps me alive. And hey, we all have our “quirks”!
I’m very glad that you are feeling better. And I will fo’ sho’ buy your “stuff” when I am living off of my own income and not loans…oh god. The drawings are so fantastic! I’d love to get a bag that wasn’t bright yellow though, and maybe a bigger picture of the drawing? Because the whole world needs to see these!
Much positive vibes,
Laura
Laura (the Live) wrote on 06/12/07 at 9:00 pm :
This is the post where I say to myself–”you’re an idiot” (Heather-esque, non?).
I just noticed you have updated your store… I’m sorry I didn’t check before posting my unsolicited advice!
I’m totally going to get one of the bags…Awesome!!
christine wrote on 06/14/07 at 10:31 pm :
About that darkness…
I am currently reading this book (shrink recommended it) and it’s very insightful. Anyone interested in the subject might want to check it out.
Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison
Glad you’re hanging in there, Jen. Take it easy.
trancejen wrote on 06/15/07 at 2:05 pm :
Read it - great book.
You take it easy, too. Good to see you.
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