I Might Just Burst Someday.
August 23rd, 2007 by trancejen
My mother, as it turns out, has a fractured rib and a fractured sternum. From nothing. Just from getting into the pool in our hotel during our vacation. After a couple of weeks of pain she finally went to her regular doctor and had an x-ray taken, and the popped joint wasn’t a popped joint at all.
Now she has to have a bunch of tests done like a bone density scan to determine why her bones are that brittle, a CAT scan of her chest, and a mammogram to ensure that her breast cancer hasn’t returned, because sometimes these things are related.
Obviously we are walking on eggshells on this neck of the woods. Or at least I am. My mother doesn’t appear to be very worried. She’s sucking down Darvocet and Vicodin (this is now House of Drugs like it’s never been before), but externally, she does not appear to be worried. My stepdad and I are the ones freaking out.
I am tired. Generally my mother takes up my slack and now I am running around trying to take up her slack. It’s extremely exhausting, given the fact that I am still passing out pretty frequently and feeling like dog shit.
Once again I find myself wondering why I am on all this fucking medication while I am still depressed, having seizures, and passing out. Is it worth it? Would I be worse off? The tremor, brain fog, mind-numbing fatigue, and memory loss I have as a result of these fucking pills so often seem to be far worse than the symptoms they’re trying to cure.
Every time I try to go off the pills, though, I wind up fucked. Plus now is certainly not the time to go fucking around with my meds. Not when my mother needs me.
I just feel so despondent.
Today my son was so cheery as he got dressed in his smart new school clothes, and he looked so handsome. He told me to have a good day and that he loved me as he left with my mom and as they pulled out of the driveway, I started to cry.
I have no idea why.
We’ve been collecting shows, the J-Man and I. Dark Angel. Doctor Who. Medium. We collect a few on the DVR and then we watch them all in a row. We talk as we watch them, trying to guess the plot, who killed who, how it was done. The J-Man is a budding sci-fi nut. It’s the lone fun part of my day.
I got on the computer this morning and started downloading music from blogs that offer free downloads, songs after song - stuff I haven’t even listened to - stuff I don’t even know if I like. This is my new version of shopping. Since I can’t overspend and buy clothes and shoes or whatnot, I overdownload free music.
(***I did splurge and buy the new Rilo Kiley, by the way, and it is… weird. I am not going to be a bigfuckingindiesnob and say “oh God they suck, commercialism, too polished, actual background singers and synths, inevitable FallOut Boy comparisons, blah blippity bloo,” because I like Rilo Kiley and hey, good for them for trying something different; but I am going to say that it will take old fans some getting used to. I sort of like it so far, I sort of don’t. I’ve only listened to it a couple of times, though.***)
I over-downloaded and then listened to some of my booty, and then I thought about it. It’s my newest drug. My newest food. My newest item to stuff in my gaping maw. I need. I need something, always. Something to fill the hole.
And because I am always constipated, because I never lose weight lately, because I never talk about the things that bother me, because I never sell anything or give much away, someday I am going to fucking explode, and it is going to be the mess of the century.
Happy Wednesday.
Is it Wednesday? No, it’s Thursday.
I hardly know. The days go by and they all look the same. Medical maladies and brainfuckery and my wish to go to sleep with my iPod jammed in my ears.
golfwidow wrote on 08/23/07 at 10:48 am :
This morning, That Man of Mine was driving me to work, half asleep, which renders him taciturn.
He had only two things to say during the entire drive: “Where the hell am I going?” (when reaching an intersection) and “What the fuck is wrong with people?” (upon our being cut off on the highway).
I think “Where the hell am I going, and what the fuck is wrong with people?” is going to be my theme song today.
dom wrote on 08/23/07 at 10:56 am :
“Under the Blacklight” ~is~ over-produced and pop-centric and dumbed-down, but I don’t even care. I love Jenny Lewis and anything she touches is golden to me. Can’t wait to see RK on Sept 15th at the Riviera in Chicago!
Miche wrote on 08/23/07 at 12:21 pm :
Peace and Love to the Mom.
Trance wrote on 08/23/07 at 1:07 pm :
Dom, I’m going to that show, too, we should hook up!
Trish wrote on 08/24/07 at 3:12 am :
Prayers and best wishes for you mom. Re the J Man and tears: I know right where you are coming from. It’s difficult to put into words, other then to say, I think it is just because we love them so G damn much.
Kathie wrote on 08/24/07 at 8:34 am :
Get well soon TranceMom, and all the best for the tests!
kevin wrote on 08/24/07 at 8:44 am :
I don’t know if I like the new RK cd, I am wrestling with it.
trancejen wrote on 08/24/07 at 10:06 am :
I know what you mean. And I am a RK FREAK.
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