Mom Shoots Up.
October 18th, 2007 by trancejen
Last night my mom did her first shot of Forteo, the drug that is supposed to help rebuild her bone density.
Why she enlisted me to help with this process is anyone’s guess.
We sat on the couch with the voluminous instructions, alcohol wipes, needles, and the pen. I imagined that the pen, which carries a month’s worth of doses, would look like some sort of medieval torture instrument, but it actually looked like an innocuous, simple, large pen. It was pink, to boot.
My mom was something of a nervous wreck. The point of the injection is to miss muscle and veins and such and actually inject into body fat, and if you’ve ever seen my mother you know that she has absolutely no body fat what-so-fucking-ever, God bless her pretzel-subsisting little soul.
I kept reminding her that she had to do this to avoid snapping like a twig while walking down the stairs. I think it was very motivational. The truth is that if I could hold my mother down and force-feed her Gouda in order to ram calcium into her frail little bones, I would. I joke about this all the time because we in the Trance House thrive on gallows humor, but God I am scared for my mother’s bones.
We loaded the needle onto the pen and read the long pamphlet, which consisted of a complicated brain-teaser-game-like sequence of directions. Turn the pen counterclockwise until an arrow appears. Turn the pen counterclockwise until you see a diamond shape. Two clicks right. One click left. Solve Rubik’s Pen.
After about ten minutes it was finally time to inject. My mother grabbed a minute little fold of waist-skin and peeped at me nervously. We read the directions. “Insert the needle and count to five s-l-o-w-l-y while depressing the button.”
My mother inserted the needle, counted to five like an auctioneer, and ripped that sucker out.
Thankfully there is a device on the pen that lets one know whether the dose has been delivered, and it had. Damned fast counting.
Thankfully the needles are small and she claimed that it really didn’t hurt, so that was that. We plan to use the used needles in our voodoo practice so that The Shit will finally start paying child support again. Ha.
Wait, maybe I’m not really kidding. Does anyone know how to make a voodoo doll?
Happy Thursday.
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I kid. Maybe. Maybe I’m contructing one for my own personal shit that has the same monetary issues.
Becareful with the whole needle thing. I can just see your mom getting addicted to it and going for a tattoo next. You never know.
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